BPDFamily.com

ok, I have been thinking again. I have heard nothing from my dd, so I am just waiting. I noticed a course on meditation available that looked as if it was based on 'mindfulness' so I thought to see if dd would accept that as a gift... .  we'll see... .  

So in the absence of contact, my own search for answers continues. I was away, without dh for a wonderful weekend of folk music at a festival. A perfect place for some reflection. I thought about how I started to use validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) on strangers to get the gist of it. I thought how hard it was to concentrate on what the emotion was in what someone was saying.

Here on the boards, when I posted a response, I would write what I wanted to say, then go back to the start and write in validating stuff. At least when I remembered to do it. My aim has been to make validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) a default response in conversation. I thought of those people in life I had encountered and what it was I really liked about them. Those wondeful wise people who could make me feel so good, I understood that these were people who knew how to validate and who spoke to my heart. I wanted to emulate them.

I have improved I am pleased to report. I am able to just be validating with my dd - when I can speak with her. Then, I realised that once I would have to go back to the beginning of my reply to someone and put in a validating comment, now I can do it at the start! I feel that I am on the way to using validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) as a default response. But I also met up with a long time friend at this festival. All the buttons that she used to push were working again. I was well able to recognise those little triggers and avoid them, but I could have been more validating I know. So, I still have a way to go eh?

Unlike many of you I don't have a young family to care for, crises to confront or grandchildren breaking my heart. In spite of all your own emotional crises, the tiredness and financial strain you have to manage, I hope you too can find some peace of mind to address the changes that you need to make to improve your relationship with your loved one with BPD. There is a place which is easier, I hope you can walk that way too.

Vivek    

Dear Vive,

You are a wonderful validator and your posts have helped me through many difficult times.  Take good care of yourself.   

Thanks for the post, it has given me something to reflect on.

Vivek ,

You are great at validation.   You always have some great replies.

Sounds like you had a great weekend! :)  It is inspiring to see how you go in with life, taking care of self.  And, then you give so much to others here. |iiii

In time your dd will contact you.  Meanwhile, just keep being you!  

 

peaceplease

I really liked your post.  I keep working on validating when talking to others as well.  I don't think of myself as a person that doesn't listen always wants to please others but I sure have found that I guess I like to speak my mind and express what I think.   You are so right as well as I think of those I like talking to are the ones that do a good job of validating.  Such interesting things to know. 

I have a long ways to go but much better thanks to this site I am getting better, I hope. 

Hope things are better for you soon.

Yes Vivek ... .  I hope we are all trying our best... .  i know I am new to this skill but I also try to do this with others without BPD... .  it is good practice and you can see how it make them feel better... .  I will say a little prayer for your dd and hope she contacts you soon... .  you will always be her mama and I know you are in her thoughts... .    

Vivek  - you daily give me hope. This post offers me some needed direction to cope with the stuck place with family right now. Like I have loset my skills, or at least locked them in a closet somehow. Need to take the time to be deliberate about looking for the emotions. My own as well as others.

You also speak often of meeting your own needs. Find myself asking others to take care of me - searching for outside care for my needs. Not clear with myself what I need. Well, more sleep to start. Making a garden - I have thoughts of it for the first time in several years as we rebuild our yard now fenced off from big dogs.

Any advice about figuring out what you need, and how to fill them for yourself? Maybe a seperate topic, huh?

qcr  

thx to all for your feedback 

hey cqr, I've been thinking a lot lately - about mindfulness as I understand it. And how it interlinks with the tools we use, ie validation. boundaries... .  and how hard it all is.

Yes maybe another thread... .  I was thinking about focussing on detachment... .  letting go of ego. It'll take me a day or two to put my thoughts together... .  I have so much swirling about my head. 

It's easy for me to indulge in thinking, I don't have anyone at home to take my mind off it all 

lots of love to you all,

Vivek