BPDFamily.com

Hello

We had an argument Monday morning about dogs and behaviour when we are out with the children - husband wishes children to be told dogs are dangerous and to avoid them at all costs, I don't want them to be afraid so try to simply walk past the dogs quickly.  This resulted in my husband slowing down and me continuing to walk on when we were both holding my son's hand - hence the argument which resulted in husband telling me I am not fit to look after our children and I cannot be trusted with them unsupervised.  There is some background to why he over-reacted on this particular day: we were hoping my step-son, his son from previous marriage would be visting us for a week, arriving on Monday.  Step-son lives in Canada.  The last 3 visits have not taken place due to step-son being mentally unwell enough to come.  Husband is very upset about visit not happening.

I did apologise via text when I got to work because I do know his feelings about dogs and should not have tried to impose my opinion when we were walking together with our son.  Text back, and a second one later (this was last contact I had with him) contain: 

"It seems I can not trust you even in basic things like putting the children's safety first.  Disappointing and upsetting. 

It still feels very nasty of you to say and do what you did.  I am not sure I trust you with the children.  It was not nice of you at all, cruel and awful."

Since then he has been completely silent.  This has now been for 3 days.  He refuses to speak to me or eat with me or even to look at me or acknowledge my existance.  I have tried to act normally and be friendly towards him, mainly for the sake of the children but I am feeling really concerned about going how and very anxious about how long this is going to continue for.

It is particularly hurtful today because it is my son's 4th birthday.  This morning when we went to open presents my husband asked the children to go downstairs with him and completely left me out. 

I don't know what, if anything to do.

Hearing this kind of stuff stings, and a silent treatment afterwards is just salting the wound.  He probably felt this way, and maybe still does.  It's important for you to remember that these are just his feelings and not some "objective truth" that you need to own. 

The starting point is that you are both entitled to your own opinions about dogs.  There is no right or wrong on this subject matter - and your opinions weren't even all that different. Children should probably not pet strange dogs, but that isn't what you were advocating.  Nor should he impose his phobias onto the children - that's not fair to them (or the dogs).

As I see it, he is trying to impose his opinions on you and the children, which is pretty common for pwBPD.  They are uncomfortable with diverging opinions and thoughts. 

I hope you participated in your son't birthday present opening - he has no right to exclude you from this, and you need to enforce these boundaries.  The children are not pawns in your relationship, but he seems comfortable using them that way.  That is probably another area you will need to raise with at some point.

Don't chase him during the silent tratement.  No more apologizing.  Go about your business in a normal way, and let him come to you.  He will.