BPDFamily.com

So my ucfBPD and I went to a concert this past Saturday, went grocery shopping on Sunday. Pretty much everything normal.

Yesterday we talked and texted a lot. All pleasant. She came to my class and we went out to grab a bite with another friend.  On the surface everything seemed normal. I called her last night to say goodnight. Didn't get a text saying she's on the phone or whatnot. Before I went to sleep I sent her a text.  No response. This morning I sent her my morning email. Haven't heard back. I am left to wonder what I did or said. It is not like her to not respond... .  unless she is bothered about something. I don't know what it is and that is what's killing me. As much as i know about BPD, I still wonder how things can change so quickly. She will come around eventually and bite my head off if her silence has anything to do with me. 99% positive. Isn't it awful to think this way? And it doesn't matter what she thought I did or didn't do, it will be blamed on me anyway.

I am not contacting her again today. I think if left alone, with a some time for her to soothe herself or at least make the blow to me less. The friend from last night told me that everything thing seemed okay. But that's just it. On the surface and from what others can tell, she was okay.  It's what happens in her head that's got me concerned.

Does this happen to anyone else on this board? The feeling that something is up and you can't pinpoint what it could be. Or am I just over thinking and over analyzing her behavior?

It's funny - the day my wife met her new knight in shinning armor at a wedding (she bridesmaid - him groomsman) - I just had this feeling within me something wasn't right - I even asked the father of the bride if my wife was "good" - something inside me knew she wasn't

Yes, I can. It's subtle at first.  I try not to over-analyze and go on about my business.  Sometimes it blows over, sometimes it progresses. By the time it progresses, I can sense that something is wrong and that it will end with him in a major distancing attempt.  I have developed a sixth sense about it.  I even know when he is lying about something during the distancing attempt.  I know when he won't keep his word, etc. I guess it is because he have been conditioned and know what to expect because it's happened so many times before.

My question would be, how do you stop the inevitable train wreck that you sense coming?  That's the part I can't figure out. 

Did you just ask her in a text if anything is wrong?  Maybe that would be a start.  Then you have the info to base your thoughts on.  If she's upset, you know why. If she's not and just needs space, then you know.  If she doesn't respond, well that's just rude and you have done your part by showing your concern. 

You don't have to accept responsibility for anything except your own behavior.  And you don't have to be anybody's punching bag. 

Yes, we become very enmesghed in their emotions, and tend to "feel it" when they are off for some reason.  Read up on detachment with love.   

Yes, I can also tell when he's lieing, or when something is wrong. I usually just ask and give his distance to come back around on his own, but to sit in limbo is to difficult for me. I will ask him if something is bothering him, or if I said something wrong. Whether or not you will get an honest answer is hard to tell, but at least its something to go on.

When I ask I usually get a question as an answer or a "you tell me." I didn't ask today. She responded to my email and everything seemed normal. I gave her a call to see how she's doing. I got a text back saying she was having lunch with her husband and was waiting for the papal announcement. Then she called me back. Gauging from it, everything seems normal. So maybe it was all in my mind. Sometimes one can get paranoid because of past behavior so that even when things are normal it seems it we are just waiting for the next shoe to drop... .  

Yes.  I'm not a sensitive person but I suppose being with a uBPD does "train you up".  I can usually sense if something's not right now, and it is always good when I don't ignore it because it can somehow help to dissolve some potentially-crisis situations.

It's usually a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation.  If I ask what's wrong, he will either explode or put the blame on me.  If I don't ask then I'm accused of being insensitive.  Now what I do is to ask like a caring person, but not to immediately feel it has anything to do with me.  Asking, "Are you stressed or unhappy?  You seem stressed." is probably a good start.  Then only validate (say lots of "hmmmm", "I see" and don't offer solutions.  Then detach (not try to "make things better" for them.  Be there for them if needed, but not to fix things).  It's up to them to decide how to feel after you've done your part, right?

Not only can I tell, but now he's beginning to tell me!  I feel encouraged by this, mostly so I can give him the space he needs to figure his stuff out and regulate.  I do give generous hugs and validate when I can identify something to validate.  Most often he just needs to have me hold him closely and that's enough.