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Well my daughter moved out last week we have our gd thank god We talked her into us keeping our gd for now.  My dauhgter is dancing at night and has a good day job we just dont understand how and why she is doing this we told her we r keeping her d our gd until she stops dancing because she is making poor decisions not only dancing but her anger and moods are effecting our gd .  Found out her exbf and parents knew she was dancing but told them only one time she told us the same but found out lying .  She cannot tell the truth to save her life.  i had talk with her today and said If you love your d like you say you do then please stop dancing eventually our gd will find out you know how cruel kids can be all they have to do is  google her and then  "oh your mommy is a dancer" .  She told me to f off and left after half our visiting with her d .  i told her i could not have a relationship with her anymore until she stopped dancing and went back to therapy not sure if that was the right thing to say but I feel these are my boundaries my husbands feelings also.  She moved half hour away and is in a bad area before she left we begged her to find somewhere else in a better area but again told to f    off.  Along with all the lies dancing yelling at us cant take the emotional abuse anymore .  Although i feel so quilty but i am ready for a breakdown.  The negativity is so thick in our home when she is here i just cant take it.  any advice is always welcome.  Thank you

Hi mggt,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting over your d's decisions and lifestyle choices.  I would be hurt too. :'(

Your values are not her values and that is painful.

I guess it comes down to what is more important to you, what your boundaries are.  If it is your boundary that she adhere to the family values to be part of your life and you are willing to accept the consequences of enforcing that boundary then acceptance is all that is left... .  ?

If it is more important to have your d in your life then perhaps letting go of some judgement might get you back into a relationship with her.  These are hard and painful choices for everyone involved. Will cutting her out to protect gd make her stop dancing? Will it make the bullying of gd for her mom's choices go away?

What is most important to you regarding your r/s with your d? 

I'm sorry you are in this situation  

Dear mggt,

I feel your pain, your disappointment in your daughter's choices. It is so very hard when they are in direct conflict of your values.

lbj gives some very good things to think about. It is very hard to be in this place. I wished there was a clear answer, but there is not. The only thing that I could add to her advice is to try to make your decision not from a place of the far side of anger and disappointment, the embarrassment, the hurt of abuse. Then, try also to factor in your gd. Can you better support her if you can maintain your relationship with your d.

Being Mindful

Thank you both for your response.  Not sure what I am going to do it is all still to new to me .  I figured if I mentioned to my d that she would be hurting her d my gd then she would stop dancing.  But as far as i know she is still dancing.  She claims to love her d more than anything but we all know how that works.  Not sure if she truly ever felt love for another human being.  Not sure is she is capable of those natural feelings that you should have for your own children.  That is the part that scares me because usually everything is about her not anyone else .  She came this morning and visited with her d before work stayed 1 hour and left.  So sad it is like watching a 12 year old care for her daughter.  Acting goofy not paying attention to d .  We dont speak much unless it has to do with her d my gd.  I guess I have to let go of the hope and dreams I had for her.  I feel like I am mourning her although I have been doing that for years.   I just dont know how to shut off my feelings.  When she visits I just want to shake some sense into her and have her see herself through my eyes once beautiful talented compitent young lady.  With so much to offer the world and herself and d.  God I hate this disease  :'(

I

 

It is painful to give up on our dreams of who we want our children to be.  We do need to let go of our dreams and support them in their dreams, otherwise we set ourselves up for suffering. :'(

We can choose to accept the reality of the here and now while not losing hope for a better tomorrow for them.

 

Acceptance... the final stage of grieving (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0)

I hope you can find something useful in this workshop to help you move from suffering to acceptance.

 

lbj

Dear mggt

I think lbj has some good advise ... .  we do need to accept that they have different values and it is their life not ours... .  she needs to make some mistakes and hopefully learn some lessons... .  let her fall down... .  you can't fix everything... .  that is her job.

I think it is good she is moving out and your home can become less stressful and that should give everyone some relief ... .  take some time to rest and get strong... .  your next battle is always looming... .  

now I am going to say something and I hope I don't offend you... .  but she is dancing and making money and trying to support herself... .  I know this is not a good job but it is her job for now and I do think we can all look at some of the positives here... .  I have heard of college students dancing to put themselves through school... .  she is making a great sacrifice here and it must be hard for her... .  I don't know what I would say to one of my daughters if they were dancing but it is her life... .  it is not mine... .  I can't hole on to the dream life I have for her... .  let it go... .  step back... .  

you are a good mama... .  you have not failed your daughter because she dances... .  try to remember that... .  

dear ms neslon, thank you for your words of advice.  I am still trying to wrap my head around her dancing she has a good day job so why would she want all types of men looking at her in that way.  she has always had low self esteem and she thinks because she had a baby a year ago she looks hot.  To me she looks like a fool always chasing looking for love in all the wrong places someday it will catch us with her someone following her home .  We have her d for now thank god and she barely visits.  With bps our experience has been its always about her what  she wants when she wants it and to hell with everyone else including her d.  The people she hangs around with are bad news and the new area she moved to is a very bad area .  So we are left to hope and pray that she is safe.  Have to be honest here im sick of validating wisemind radical acceptance all of it .  So sick of all of this  having bad day

 

I hear you girlie... .  it is a hard road for us all... .  I hate even giving advise because I feel just like you at times especially when I think my dd is being selfish... .  that seems to be  a common thread... .  my dd15 acts like a little girl that thinks the world revolts around her... .  I keep waiting for her to mature... .  think of others sometime... .  it must be hard on your gd... .  that is what makes me sad... .  you are doing the right things but try to let go... .  I hear the worry in your words... .  it is the constant worry that nags us all but the older they get the more they have to take that burden... .  

I am thinking of you and hope things turn around... .  I am sure things will be better with her out of the house... .  regroup... .  relax and take care of yourself... .  

Thank you I will take a break from my brain and all the thinking take care