BPDFamily.com

You are in No Contact, and not expecting any mail, text, call at all. Your actually for once having a OK day and what happens, you see an email popping in your inbox and in a quick notice you read the headline.

WHAT do you feel at that time?

Anxious? You close of your email account straight away? You click? You delete it straight away? I have to admit that I feel super awkward, it's like a weird sick feeling which shoots through my body when I see something popping up   It's a feeling i've never witnessed before.

I've been out of my r/s for over a year, and have a similar weird feeling when I see his name in my email inbox.  

Recently, he wanted to tag a photo of him that is lingering on my Facebook page from a long time ago.  I get email alerts when someone wants to do something, and when I saw his name, I cringed, let it sit for a bit, and then opened it.  When I saw he just wanted his name tagged on the photo, I approved it.  That doesn't bother me.  So, I moved on with my day, but I understand that feeling that you are describing.

It's weird isn't it? A really weird strange sense of a feeling where you sit back and let your brain think, ok, what happened, what do we do, do we panic? etc. I find it very interesting to see how I react when something happens. It shows that there is so much negativity and pressure and stress purely build around a name, you see it, and it triggers all sorts of alarm bells in your head.

I think that part of it is 'ok, what is this going to entail?'.  I've had him send me facebook emails recently where he was threatening to send a biker gang to recoop his camper that he left at my house over a year ago.  That was almost humorous, and not threatening because I live far away now, but if I were still living there, I think I would have just gotten angry at him for being so ridiculous with that threat.

What I always have to remind myself is I do have control over what I do and don't do. I have no desire to be with him ever again, and I don't need to be friends with him, but I also don't want any drama, so my responses or lack of are thought through and I think handled pretty well on my part.

Dealt with this just 5 minutes ago, literally!

Got an email just asking how my day was, and saying she'd been in to her new job to pick up work documents etc.

All very pleasant - total change from last week.

As soon as I saw the unread message, my heart starting racing, I felt sick and had major anxiety.

It's so horrible.

You never know what it's going to say - is it going to be more nastiness?  Or something to make you feel guilty?  Or just nothingness... .  

I'm at that stage of thinking "urgh, please just forget about me and leave me alone to pick up the pieces"

I'm still shaking.  Haven't replied though, but still shaking.

I also wake up in the morning these days shaking - so horrible.

We'll get there Harmkrakow, we will!

Yes, I can relate with the weird feeling. The adrenalin that runs through our blood just by a email... .  our system is alerted and stressed through what happend in the past.

Its okay to have this. Deep breaths could help. The good thing with emails or texts: We don't have to answer. We even have the choice to read it or not... .  

I feel sick. And I know it will not be a good thing that she has written to me. I immediately delete it.

The last text I got from her was a week ago. I told her to contact me through her lawyer if there is something she feels I need to know.

She sent another text and I didn't read it. I deleted it immediately.

I know this is the only way to break free and end this relationship.

I blocked her on everything I can think of, emal, phone, facebook.   If she wants to contact me she'll have to send a letter or come by,   and I shudder to think that she would do either of those. 

Okay, try not to laugh at this but...

At the settlement conference I could not stop having the urge to urinate.  I went to the bathroom like 8 times in 3 hours.  I never imagined I could hold that much liquid.

NC is sweet, so sweet.

I feel like my requests for my personal boundaries are being disrespected and violated because they are. 

She keeps contacting me and it feels so wrong. The feelings are so weird, so awkward. In her last mail of yesterday morning she wrote that she is undergoing quite a bit of pressure at the moment and normally I was the one understanding how much pressure she was going through...

Well, that hurt, because I still want to help her  :'(

Happened again yesterday  and I thought here we go again.

He replaced me, raged at me, hated me, nearly broke me, got engaged, now he wants to be friends again and is asking about my love life. I haven't responded.

The good news is, that I am reacting less anxiously than I used to when receiving these. I pray they stop, but he is BPD and this site has informed me of what realistically to expect.