BPDFamily.com

So, I read that if we bring up BPD with our SO it will send them over the top and I can see that.  My question is then, how do we get them to realize what they are doing enough so that they would be at least aware enough to possibly get some serious therapy. I read that everyone says that a relationship will work only if the pwBPD acknowledges a problem and is willing to work on it.  Right now, my UBPDw doesn't think that her behavior is out of line.  It just seems that one can't correct something if we can't even talk about it. 

Joint therapy, perhaps?  I can't tell my ex, because it would just be projected back at me;  he is that insecure.

I get it.  My wife has already said she thinks I am the one with emotional issues.  Also, we went to joint counseling, but it seemed to just upset her and then she'd wind up taking it out on me.

onward,

You cannot make her do anything.  Really, one of the most difficult, painful, sick, and twisted facts about this disorder that you MUST face and accept is that you can't win - ever.

You will constantly be placed in a lose-lose/catch-22/double-bind situation.  If you endlessly validate, she might feel better but you feel worse - and she gets to freely walk all over you to boot, which I assure you she will.  On the other hand, if you assert and maintain boundaries, she will rebel against them, project upon you, rage at you, blame, guilt, give you silent treatments, or otherwise act out - perhaps even cheat or abandon you at the extreme end of things.

If therapy happens, it will happen only when she decides it's time, and not one millisecond sooner.  And there typically has to be some sort of wake-up call, rock-bottom type of situation before she'll even consider it.  But you pushing it on her will do nothing but *reduce* the likelihood of her doing it and committing to it.  There's probably no quicker or easier thing for her to latch onto as a way to label you as controlling, manipulative, and a person with his own "issues" and the root source of all your marital woes.

Other than that, I don't know what to tell you, man.  You really just have to ask yourself what your own limits are and be serious about walking once they're crossed.  Otherwise the stress could eventually literally kill you.

Hi  *Hi.*((onward)); This is really common behavior for a person with BPD. My uBPDso "knows" that there is "something wrong" with him because others -his parents-tried to get him diagnosed... .  My BPD has said "YOU are the crazy one" while he says "YOU are saying that I am BAD"... .  or "CRAZY":... .  I say nothing and let him talk now. I don't start conversations as HE KNOWS THAT I WILL LEAVE, maybe he is LESS likely to "pick a fight" with me. But overall, I think that they "cannot help themselves" because of their mental and emotional anguish. They are in psychic pain and cannot even tolerate when we "don't feel well" or "need them"... .  I have stopped expecting anything from him and my life is MUCH easier and better now.

Have you read anything on RADICAL ACCEPTANCE? What they "do to themselves" is so hard to watch especially once we have compassion for them and ourselves.

Wishing you the best... .  

Onward,

Though not recommended, after I began working on my communications skills - using SET and DEARMAN, I gave my uBPDh a BPD questionnaire with all references to BPD removed from it. He read it and told me he identified strongly with it and answered yes to most of the questions. A month or so later, when our r/s was stronger I told him what the questionnaire was for and that I suspected he has BPD traits and why.  It was very low key. He took it well, has not projected it back on me.  Now we are in a holding pattern and waiting to see what happens.

I think it is very painful for them to accept that they have a mental disorder. They do seem to know deeper down that something is wrong. When I first hinted it to her when in good stable period, she said "I know I have this bad personality... but what can you do.it cant be fixed.you have to live with it"  At other time, when she was mildly dysregulated and went silent for 2 days, she came back and explained to me " I didnot talk to you as I wanted to protect you from my craziness"

Now, she is in huge dysregulation,(biggest ever) for last 3 weeks, she texted me " you think I am bad and crazy... I think it is you who is crazy... I dont like crazy people... sometimes they get out of hand."  So,it seems common for them to call you crazy ,its a defence mechanism called projection)

and its purpose id to control anxiety.