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So the only problem with letting go and moving on from a relationship with an undiagnosed pwBPD is the many unanswered questions. They seem to prohibit complete closure.

I have learned so much in the past year and feel very blessed because of it. I am on the brink of breaking patterns that have existed for many years. But the relief that this self-awareness brings also carries with it a sinking feeling that the grisly end might have had as much or more to do with me than my ex.

I had briefly plumbed the depths of obsession and rumination before - at the end of a couple of other r/ships. These were only brief episodes and nothing like this recent one, but still, this knowledge serves to bolster the case for diminished responsibility for my ex.

I learned a lot about BPD (w/NPD traits) in the early days after the break-up when I was stuck in understanding. And later on, when I began to examine myself and my own FOO I had similar light bulb moments about my own likely Codependency. So was my codependent pathology stronger than his borderline pathology? Were my efforts to control him and our r/ship as major a contributor to our break-up as his selfishness and passive aggression?

During the bulk of the r/ship, I was cool. I went with the flow. Didn't feel too invested. And healthy boundary function back then also led to me being the one to actually end it.

So why did I want him back? Why did I obsess about winning back his favour when he was rubbing my nose in the intoxicating perfection of my replacement?

Was my 'lonely child' more to blame than his 'abandoned child'?

Even as I have addressed all of my stuff and don't feel lonely at all today, despite being single all this time, I can't help but wonder whether I could have made him out to be so awful only because he couldn't be controlled and because he moved on faster... .  

bb12

BB, of course it takes two to tango, as they say, but it wouldn't matter how healthy you were, your relationship with your BPD would not have been.  So why the desire to have him back?  My guess would be that at the start of your relationship you WERE that other woman, intoxicating and perfect.  For someone with a normal ego, that can be very heady stuff, but for someone with a self-esteem issue, it is positively intoxicating.  You didn't want him back so much as you wanted to feel the way you felt then.  For me, the lingering feeling was such sorrow when I realized the relationship I kept waiting for was NEVER going to materialize.  I hated to think of all the wasted years when I felt confused, guilty and miserable.  And, for a while, his guilt trips and shame games still worked.  He had built in every button and had a shortcut to my most vulnerable emotions, and he used them shamelessly.  Well, shame on him.  I'm moving on and I wish you luck as you move on too.

Is the important question who was most responsible for the failed r/s or how do I have a meaningful benefitial long term r/s? What have you learned? What is next for bb12? What are looking for? A restart of a failure or another oppurtunity? What's next?

Great question OTH... .  and thank you too Sad But Wiser

I absolutely don't want my ex back now. And you're right, I probably never did... .  more a pining for the idealisation phase.

I would not want to restart with my ex at all... .  so my mind is definitely on the future... .  and one without him.

Having learned so much about myself and already practising new things on dates and in general, I feel happy and excited for my future. I guess my melancholy was more one of acknowledging that much of the blame rested with me... .  which is why we need to forgive ourselves as much as them as we heal.

But OTH... .  I guess my fear is that I haven't addressed my 'false beliefs' or legacy behaviours enough to ensure a meaningful longterm r/ship. Just wanting to acknowledge my part fully, to address my issues, so I can end the 'rinse repeat' cycle I may have been stuck in.

So how do you know when you've put your stuff to bed securely enough to fully explore those new opportunities?

BB12

For me, doubt has always been part of the equation. I am a curious sort and I don't think I have ever been totally sure of anything. But I can live with my best guesses which over time do improve with experience.

I put most things to bed when it is time but like a child afraid of the dark I do leave the door open a bit. And moving on has always been with what I can carry. Some things are not important enough or too heavy to carry.

She was the latter.

I think we need relationships to practice with. My thoughts in another thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196766.msg12219579#msg12219579 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196766.msg12219579#msg12219579)

The only way to improve our relationship and conflict resolution skills is practice. I'm working out some of my FOO issues and trying to improve my skills in a safer manner than a romantic r/s. Probably a good place for me at this time. I'm not involved with my BPD anymore and don't really harbor much feeling for her anymore. I do have other relationships but haven't pursued them in a romantic way. I just want to get along with people now it helps me feel confident.

Agreed. Also known as 'living it'. Each time we do something, we follow through. Even when we're holding back, we're following through with holding back. We live and change in our follow through. So it's which direction are we heading, and how best to get there? We may have stumbled/been tripped up in our past relationships (even the ones with ourselves) but that doesn't guarantee we'll do so every time. Practicing and honing focus is key.