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Been living with a uBPD mother for my lifetime (22 yo f) and developed a good sense of self due to a healthy paternal relationship. When he passed 12 years ago, my world and experience changed. I didn't know any better and developed my own coping style until recently when I finally broke my reverie and left the circumstance. I have this wonderful freedom and happiness... .  but sometimes things as they really are isn't as comfortable because it's so new. I'm growing, and I'm not tempted to go back but I sometimes feel this strange combination of grief for what the normal experience growing up is like and discomfort even in the new and healthy patterns I'm working on. I love my mom, and I will continue to move forward but I feel a little lost at times without even an awful and abusive (but familiar) frame of reference. Its almost as if that's why I struggle with trust more than anything... .  because mistrusting feels like a right (by her standard) thing to do,  even when I know logically that its not.

Hi vareeta,

I think a lot of us can relate to what you're feeling--it's hard to trust others when you've been conditioned to mistrust others. It takes some time, practice, and bravery to really open up to others and work on yourself.

Growing can be very uncomfortable, but well worth the effort. :)  What kinds of healthy patterns are you working on now? How can we help you on your journey?

-GG

vareeta, what you described is so incredibly common. Because abuse was so 'normal' to me I chose Borderline partners - I felt right at home.

Self trust is important and it can be developed. Listen to yourself when you feel self doubt - dig deep - connect to that little child in you who was abuse/mis-treated and have some compassion for her. The little you needs a big hug - as adults we cannot be abandoned or abused like we were as kids.

Its certainly a matter of healing gradually and consiously vareeta - keep posting.