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does anyone else have a problem with their SO raging if they go to the doc? no, i don't have insurance, and  yes, i'm short on money. but i've had an ear infection for a week now and it's getting so painful i'm at the pont of crying. can't stay home from work, need the money. just taking pain pills and sucking it up. have tried home remedies for ear infection to no avail.

just wanted to know if anyone else has issues with their BPD SO raging at them and having to fight to go see a doctor.

You should go see the doctor and get antibiotics for the infection.  Let him rage if he wants to.  That's really his problem.  Do you see how you are letting your fear of his emotional reaction control your (necessary) behaior?  You worry a lot less about this kind of thing when you work on some detachment.   

Hi

  What is the reason he is raging? What is he afraid of? Sometimes their anger masks their fear. Or is he projecting onto you, and imagining his own doctor visits and pain, and angry that he is meing reminded of it?

Shatra

thank you, briefcase. i feel like an absolute idiot. i know i should go to the doctor. my mother in law is trying to get me some med, but she knows i need to go to the doctor. i'll end up going to the ER since i don't have any insurance if my mother in law cannot get med.

what i'm dreading is the extinction burst when i set this boundary. i know i should say that i'm going and that you're welcome to come with me, and leave that to his decision.

but it isn't just this time, it's anytime i need to go to the doctor. late last year my hand got broken, and i never got to go for follow up. i went to the ER, they gave me a splint, and i wore it for 6 weeks until it healed (improperly, i might add). you might say this is a huge boundary issue i need to set.

i guess what i was looking for was some validation for myself that this is a boundary that HAS to be set. Thank you, briefcase!

shatra--

you bring up an interesting point, and i think there may be something there. he has had multiple surgeries with pins and rods in his arm, knee, and ankle. the excuse he always gives me is that we can't afford it since i don't have health insurance.

that's something i'm going to have to ask him about. thank you, shatra!

I'm glad I could help. Please don't be too hard on yourself.  We've all been there.  I remember one time I was sick with a really high fever, chills, etc.  In the midst of that, my wife woke me up and asked me to go to the grocery store to buy her ice cream.  I was miserable, but too afraid to tell her no.  I remember standing in the check out line, shivering, holding a carton of ice cream and thinking, "I must be nuts for doing this."      Good times!

Fortunately, the fear of the confrontation really is our issue and therefore is something we can control if we choose to.  Or at least, not let the fear control us.  :)

  I'm sorry you're not feeling well and yet you're not allowed to go to the doc!

crazymade, I do agree that you have to see the doctor.  Even though he may be triggered, you can't give up your health just so he will be calm!  It's no way to live!

I wonder if it would help, asking if he's afraid of the doctor and reassuring him that you will be ok if you go?  Or even telling him that you are scared too, you don't like going too, but you have to go for your ear infection?

Some Walgreens and CVS pharmacies have drop in clinics staffed by nurse practicioners. They charge low fees, are open later than doctors offices, have open walk in appointments, and offer great ideas on how to treat most illness's and injuries.

Another option is to call your local help line to locate free clinics in your area. Most cities have some.

And yes, you do need to take care of yourself.

But "YOU" need to believe that... .  not us.

This is indeed a great place to start for your own long term health.

But first, get well!  (I have chronic ear problems so know they are uncomfortable.). 

I'm not sure where you live, but there are many drop in acute care clinics that can handle ear infections as well.  Emergency room visits are way too expensive, but many private practice Doc's will charge on a sliding scale.  I'm so sorry you're feeling badly and having to deal with his raging in addition.  Please take care of yourself and see a doctor.

Yes, you know when you are worth taking care of, and it sounds like you are heading the right direction.


Remember--you can't stop him from raging, but you do not have to let him do it AT you. You have the option of leaving when he starts to rage. (And I've always felt much better when I exercised that option :) )