BPDFamily.com

Our biological daughter, 16, has had a couple of rough years, including a sudden descent into major depression, suicide attempt, two psych ward hospitalizations, cutting, eating disorder, being out of school for nine months.  She has been doing much better recently except for... .  

Right before she started turning things around she met a homeless 16 year old, now 17, who had a horrendous history of physical and sexual abuse.  He was incredibly charming (and still can be if it serves his purpose) and we agreed to take custody of him, although it is an unusual situation as he is still the responsibility of ACS and we are not technically foster parents.  We intended to adopt him, after the abuse case involving his mother is resolved.

Things were ok the first few months, we got him therapy and Prozac helped some of his PTSD symptoms.  But then the stealing started.  And lying.  And splitting.  Suicide threats. And crazy stories.  When I told the kids that someone had stolen $150 from my pocket he told me, in front of his therapist, that he suspected that our daughter had stolen it to support her "drug habit," which according to him is spiraling out of control and he has detailed the same on Facebook, where all of our daughter's friends have been able to see it.  He used to adore our daughter but hasn't made any effort in the past 6 or so weeks to interact with her at all.  He constantly threatens her boyfriend. He treats me horribly now, telling me that I can't tell him basically anything, and I need to just leave him alone.  The other night he told me I was going to make him hit me one day and then punched the wall so hard that there's now a crack.

I love him dearly, and I understand that he is ill, and this is in no way his "fault," but our daughter is extremely sensitive and she doesn't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with this, and feels tremendously guilty that she brought him into the family.  I've been trying to keep things together for another six months until he turns 18 and is safe from his mother, but my dh and dd have told me that they can't live like this.  I have set up a meeting with his caseworker to discuss what placement options there are, and I'm going to ask to continue to be his advocate and mother if at all possible, but I'm almost certain he'll run away and be homeless again.  He's 17 and enrolled in 9th grade now at a small private school, after a horrible experience in a ghetto public school.  I'm just so sad that I couldn't make this work, and will probably become in his mind just one of a series of people who have failed him.

 *welcome*

nomoreoptions

This is a tough situation you are in with your daughter on one side and the custodial teen who is quite a challenge too. I can relate that you feel very sorry that you cannot continue like this.

The meeting with his caseworker sounds like a good plan.

The hard thing which is common for many members here: We cannot save mental ill people. We have empathy and compassion and we have to recognize also our powerlessness. We have to watch our boundaries.

Will this meeting be shortly?

Please keep in touch, nomoreoptions

Surnia

Thank you, surnia, for your thoughtful response.  I know I can't cure him, and his therapist doesn't see BPD, although the family therapist, my therapist and our daughter's therapist all think it's a definite. 

I am meeting with his caseworker Monday.  Everything's a bit harder because my husband is traveling for work starting tomorrow for seven days, so I won't have his support.  But as my daughter said today, we've been through hell and back this last year.  We'll make it through this too.  Just venting, our situation is a bit odd, hopefully the caseworker (who I quite like) will have some ideas.

  nomoreoptions

good to see you again.

To support you in the next days, while your husband is traveling due to work, that is what we are here for.

The best place I think for you is the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0).

Feel free to open there a new thread with specific questions about your situation. The members there will support you.

I wish you all the best for the meeting and the near future!

Hi, an update.  I met with his caseworker and case supervisor and much to my surprise they are willing to recommend a therapeutic boarding school placement to the court with the recommendation of his psych team. As a result I would lose custody, but he is almost 18 so that's not a huge issue.  If the team recommends that I am allowed contact and visitation then that should be allowed as well.  I'm still very sad, but he has willingly gone to therapy so I am hopeful that this will give him the time and resources to progress.

That is good news! WOW! I can't beleive the situation you were in... .  this is the best thing for him... .  he needs help... .  you are a kind soul... .  I don't think I have an ounce of extra energy with my dd15 ... .  I hope things go better when he is gone.

Thank you so much for your kind support!  I must confess I'm tired.  And grateful.  The "system" has been very helpful for us once I got the hang of it.  But everything takes SOO long.  I've been asking for an official birth certificate so I can get him ID since September, it is the obligation of the agency to do so, but nothing yet.  And yet when I appear with this they immediately agree to take care of the larger issue.

I've learned so much through this son.  And daughter.  And one great thing is that this has actually brought me and my husband much closer, and the dynamic with our daughter is much healthier (I was the testy enforcer, he was her pal, they often seemed to be ganging up, no more). Family therapy has done a world of good.  And I have great hope for my son as well.  He is remarkably resilient, and he will have our never-ending support, although not in the way he would like it most. I hope with the help of his/our therapists he will understand that we love him and that this is our best, though not perfect, option.

nomoreoptions,

Hopefully, after treatment, he May come to understand what a loving, kind thing that you have done for him.  You took him in and tried to help.  No, actually, you are helping him. 

I am sorry that it did not work out as you had planned.  And, you have chosen the best option!  

peaceplease