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My ex was the one to initiate NC, after a ridiculous and abusive rollercoaster ride over the last number of months. We're at about three weeks out now, but once at the end of the first week, and then again a few nights ago, he broke that arrangement. Both times, I wasn't able to hold my ground or stick to my guns, and the conversation would dive immediately into him devaluing/abusing me for hours, while I apologized for all my apparent wrongs (none of which I agree with), and eventually would end with him lapsing into silence.

Why does he do this? I hate it, I can't stand it--happiness in my life is only beginning to seem remotely possible, and that's without him in it. In his most recent conversation he made it a point to talk about how he was going on a date with someone new, turning down casual sex offers right and left (all things he'd constantly lament NOT happening to him in the entire time I'd known him--so how is it happening now, all of the sudden?), and so on. It was gross. He further asked "how he could hurt me," and when I told him he'd already broken my heart, he said, "not yet," and launched into a diatribe about how I never felt anything, and he couldn't believe I was actually hurt. He then asked if sending me a sex tape (of him with someone new), or tying me to a chair and forcing me to watch him kill himself would hurt more. Everything about it makes me angry, and ridiculously sad.

Oh, right, all of this was also coupled with him demanding I send him love letters and essays, and essentially work as hard as I could to get him back. He referred to himself as my "dream job", and any time we were apart was time to work on the portfolio that was me, in order to convince him I was a worthy applicant. If I don't do that, it will be further validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) to him that I never loved him. His warped views regarding the expression of love will always be foreign and angering to me. I wish he'd let me love him, but he'll never be able to accept or understand it. And, obviously, our interactions are toxic for the both of us, and soul-crushing to me. That's an unacceptable way to carry on in this life.

I just don't understand. We'd been silent for ten days. I did not contact him at all. I just want this person to leave me alone; getting on with the tatters of my life is all I have, and he's out there actively hating, attacking, and painting me black to those around him. It makes me feel physically ill to think about. I'm sorry this post is so disjointed, I've just been dwelling on the issue for the last few days, and this is one of the only outlets where people are veterans of this disorder. It's so hard. I'm getting to a point where I don't even particularly nurse those wild, secret hopes of him reforming, or of wanting him back. But I still feel so ill, knowing what he's feeling and doing and saying about all this, out there in the world. It's a little scary.

There's hope though, right? There's happiness and peace to be found, eventually, some amount of time down the road? There are healthy and fantastic partners out there somewhere?

I'd recommend disengaging from all of that -- blocking phone and other communications.   Is there are reason why you are not doing that?  I know I didn't for a while because I still wanted to know if she wanted me. 

My ex texts me about once a month.  I had her blocked most of the time so I would not even see her msgs until a few days/weeks later after I would unblock her out of curiosity.

I am also at 3 weeks out and trying to maintain NC while my ex continues to communicate.  I try not to respond.  I did once and I will never go there again... .  I want off this roller coaster ride.  It is too painful to be in limbo like I am right now and I want to move forward without him.  He keeps trying to convince me to take him back but he doesn't seem to get it through his head that he is not welcome here.

I know my ex is out there too distorting and twisting the truth to make me look like a witch.  It is hurtful but sadly there is no way around it for it is part of the disease process to paint us black.  At first I put so much energy into worrying about but I'm trying to let go since it totally is out of my control.  

I see others on this board who are doing much better at 4, 5, and 6 months out so I have to believe that time does heal.  It's hard to be patient when we are hurting so.  

Hey Sandworm,

Really really sorry your feeling the way you are currently.

I know its hard and feels like the weight of the world on your shoulders.


It seems that contact with him hurts you immensely at the moment. That hurt will only subside when you put your ex aside and concentrate wholy on yourself and your healing.

Like any injury, you need time to adjust, heal, accept so you can begin to repair YOU.

Easier said than done i know but it possible. For now yo have recognised that contact hurts you, you may well have more contact with your ex as sometimes it takes a while for the numbers to add up for us to eventually make NC a permanent fixture for our/your healing.

NC doesnt have to be permanent but i would strongly advise it short term.

Part of conversation reads to me that he feels confident you will chase him down. That reads to me that his ego is at work and seems like he has little if any compassion towards the hurt your feeling.

Do you really want this person to be kicking you whilst your down?

I personally think if you decide to truly heal and walk away from this situation and cut all ties your ex will be very suprised, shocked and hurt himself.

That said, NC is chosen for personal health not personal gain. Should it be the latter then i believe its just another abusive act to get the ex to miss you, how any r/s would survive in a healthy manner like that i dont know.



I think for the most part, partners who act in the way your ex has seems to have hidden agenda's. They are also unable to communicate on a healthy adult level which is why these relationships also end the way they do, little closure, little communication, projection of their wrongs to us etc etc

They cannot communicate on an adult level under pressure and seemingly have very little knowledge about how bad their actions are, hence the lack of remorse. These actions are nothing more than selfish and immature. The thoughts, feelings and action that you would expect from a 5 year old child.



Only advice i can give is cut all ties if you dont want to fedel this pain. It will not go away over night but with time and effort you will be the person you was before all of this plus a whole lot more  |iiii

Should you continue to stay in contact then i feel you are in for an emotional kicking.

Today could be the day you choose your future happiness over a past pain.

There are plenty of lessons and tools throughout the board to help you stay strong and to help you through each day as it passes. Over time you will be aqble to reflect upon the journey you are choosing to make.

Regain your power.