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I am in an off and on relationship and confused about which way to go. We get very close, then she runs away, blaming me for the communication breaking down. I offer to talk about anything at any time but she refuses, choosing distance over closeness. It's a form of control she has which doesn't help us. My problem is when she withdraws, I reach out more to her, trying to keep us together. Thinking we can best fix things together, not apart. She withdraws more, I reach out again, and we keep that pattern going until we both just withdraw completely. Eventually, we do talk again, but the patterns remain and lead to further breakups, resentments, sadness, etc.

I know it's been discussed here a million times, but how can I best weather these ups and downs and silent treatments? How can I  get where I'm not 'chasing her' even though my intentions are basically good? What has proven useful to others out there? It's not something I enjoy, setting my emotions and instincts aside. If I'm going to work on this relationship (before finally just giving up, which could also happen), I'd like to do my best. Including looking after my own feelings as well as hers. Not hurting myself, or allowing myself to be more hurt, while doing so. Thanks for any responses.

Hi Myself- I'm guessing you are posting here because you're undecided overall but I wonder if you might get the tips you need from the staying board? It doesn't mean you are committing to stay to stay to use the tools. I'm sure I've seen similar posts about leaving people be when they withdraw like that and how to look after yourself through such times.

I never could make it on the staying board, even when I had my ex in my life. It felt like too much of a commitment for me, even though I wasn't really 'staying' in the relationship. Wishing you all the very best with it 

hey friend had to do some searching but finally found you.

you know how me and you are ,and you can reach out to me in your "on the fence stage".

when we get in this stage its difficult be cause we want them to just see HEY IM THE ONE THAT LOVES WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING... fact is they know but it really doesnt register until that need is there for them hence the run away pull us there.

fact is we do this dance just wishing they will give us the attention we give them.it wont happen even when we are back together yes we get that 30 percent feel of she loves me but in the drop of a hat you know she could run again.one of the worse feelings in the world is to know she loves you BUT.she will never fufill that  love to you.the most heart wrenching feeling in the world.,,fact is you cant work on anything until you are together.i feel the same chase and show... but at the first argument or disagrement... its you want me back or trying to force me into being with you... .  and the train countunies in the circle... i feel for you big dog... get at me in our spot you know i have that ear you can bend... .  ive bent yours a whole lot... bp39

An old chinese proverb goes something like this:

If you choose to chase the butterfly it will forever elude you.

But if sit quietly, and be still, it will land softly upon your shoulder.



Never chase, do express your interst and concern but to chase generally makes us run.

Yes, it is Through the Looking Glass world.  If you want to go forward, walk backwards.  You are going to bump into one of the two triggers no matter what, I believe. Fear of being abandoned and the fear of intimacy.  The road in between is very narrow, and if you express YOUR feelings, it will set off a trigger.  Very, very neutral talk generally works, and letting the other person lead.  This will never develop into a healthy relationship, though it can be a better relationship.