BPDFamily.com

Hi people,

I wish everyone the strength to deal with all their challenges in the most positive and healthy ways possible.

My situation is that on January 12 my uBPD wife had me arrested and after that the court imposes an automatic 90 day order of protection and I have been out of my house every since.

We have six kids and until then, for about two years, my wife had been very absentee and I was almost like a single parent.

Then, suddenly, poof... .  

It is really painful. Sometimes I miss my kids so much that i feels like physical pain. Or I feel like crying. Especially when I think about the way she is dealing with them.

She had her mother come to help. She bought a TV, which we never had before. Now she puts on the TV and leaves them in front of it.

She leaves them with the cleaning lady more often.

The situation is that now I only see them Sunday afternoon for about 2-3 hours.

My questions are, what comes next? First of all it is so difficult when I see them. From full time to no time. I feel like i don't even know them. When they come to me they are talking about TV shows they watched. Or something else. I don't feel involved in their life at all.

I almost wish I could avoid seeing them altogether it is so difficult.

Next question is what to do when this orde of protection is over. I don't want to go to back to the house. I can't. Can't go through more with her.

What do you think are the effects on the kids that one day they woke up and their father wasn't there?

And, how should I explain to them why I am not coming back into the house. Even though she is in the house talking bad about me, i don't want to do that. WHat should I say to them without putting their mother down?

And, finally, if anyone has any advice regarding custody, I would love to hear about it.

Thanks again for listening.

First thing first. Why the protection order? What is her claim? Do you have an attorney? You need one.NOW! You'll have to go to court over the protection order.There will be a hearing. This is a time you want to be nice.Nice to stbx,nice to judge,nice to her atty. IF the court grants a protection order,you've been eliminated from your kids for up to 5 years basically.And,you'll no longer be able to own a firearm or have one in your possession.THIS is how serious a PO is.

That said,this is her gameplan.To eliminate you from the kids and her.After a protection order is granted,she will defacto have full custody of the kids and you'll be stuck with scraps like you have now.

You need a gameplan yourself.You need a great atty. and you need to be honest.Is there a reason for the PO?

Are there criminal charges?

Have you talked to a criminal defense attorney?

A family law attorney?

Marble is right - you need a plan.  If you handle this right, it might work out OK.  But if you're passive, it probably won't.

Oh and how old are the kids?

(For what it's worth, I was physically attacked by my wife, and then accused of assault.  Long story short, all the charges were dropped and I got 50/50 custody, and now the kids are with me most of the time and they're doing great.)

Document, document, document.

It's hard to undo the things we do in anger or fear, that's why you need to take a step back if it gets too hot.

None of this is easy - not for you, the kids, or your ex partner. Keep your focus on loving your kids and wanting the best for them. Speak to an attorney and get some solid legal advice.

When the BPD rages, they throw as much mud as possible in the hope that any of it sticks. Stay strong.

Talk to a criminal lawyer and a family lawyer to cover all bases. I would have a recording device with me whenever I think uBPDw will be near you after the 90 days and make sure you follow the 90 day order.

What is the claim ?

Does the order block you from just your wife or the children too?  If the allegation was about adult behavior, then often the children are not included since your contact with them is generally seen as parenting behavior.

How do you see the children, supervised or unsupervised?  Who determines the amount of contact - her, the court order, a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) assigned for the children or someone acting as a parenting coordinator?

Have you decided whether to file for divorce in order to seek a return to the prior level of parenting (majority) you had been doing prior to her actions?

I suspect she may try to file for divorce before the 90 days is up in order to keep the upper hand in the high conflict separation.  Why?  She has kept you at a distance for 2 months already and possibly has only one month left.  She may seek other ways to keep you away.  Filing for divorce and stating the old allegations or making new ones may be her next choice.

In my case, I had a temporary protection order in municipal court that kept my then-spouse away from me and our home.  However, since my order only involved protecting me from her, she want to family court and got a temporary order there setting her as custodial parent with majority time.  So I was protected but not my child.  When her trial was looming I had to decide what to do if my temp protection ended afterward.  I already knew she was blocking me as much as she could, so I decided to file for divorce before her trial date.  It gave me as much control as possible over the unknowns looming ahead.  So I wonder if your wife will file for divorce before your pending case is (hopefully) dismissed.

By the way, do you have Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0) handbook?  It describes many typical behaviors, allegations, reactions and overreactions your wife is likely to pursue, strategies to counteract them and effective advice to protect yourself.  It does not replace your lawyers or their advice, but it was written by experts who are familiar with the typical patterns, common allegations and effective tools to minimize the damage to you and your parenting.

The situation is that, yes, I do have a court appointed lawyer.

And yes, I do already have an order of protection placed on me. It was originally a 90 day order, but that changed after the first court date to a court date to court date order of protection until the matter is resolved.

If convicted of anything, it could result in anything from a two-year to five-year order of protection. If there is no conviction I suppose it is dropped.

At this point I cannot see anyway to go back into the house. She has callled the police before, and I have no reason to suspect that she would not call again in the a moment.

The original RO was becuase she called the police and said that I punched her in the head numerous times.

What happened was that after a day of verbal abuse and harassment she threw my $200 shirt on the floor and started jumping on it and I pushed her off of it.

She came back that night at around midnight with four cops and had me arrested. That results in an automatic order of protection.

Now we are in IDV which is integrated domestic violence court going through the processes. My court appointed lawyer is for both matters, family and criminal.

Now my plan is to file for custody for the kids. We have six kids and I don't even have an apt. yet, but the advice is that I should file so at least the court knows that I, the father, am an interested party.

BTW, there is no problem with me seeing the kids. Except for the fact that I don't really have a place for them to stay. But legally there is no problem

These IDV situations can be bad, because they blur the line between criminal and civil matters.

As someone who has been accused of a crime, you have rights, and unfortunately the system - including your own attorney - may put a lot of pressure on you to give up those rights, maybe without fully realizing that you are giving them up.

Once that happens - for example, if you take a plea agreement, because you are told it will mean no jail and no fine - "You'll just have to take some classes" - you will be agreeing that you broke the law, and that may put you in a very weak position for custody.

Be very, very careful what you say to anyone about what happened.  Make sure that you know what your lawyer can disclose to someone else if you talk to her about it.  We assume that anything we tell an attorney can't be used against you, but I have found that is not always the case.  Make absolutely sure you know what the rules are before you tell your lawyer anything or sign anything.

If you accept any agreement which acknowledges guilt, even for a small matter, it will be used against you in the custody case.

I think it's good that you are obeying the RO completely.

As a strategy, I think it is important to move from defense to offense.  I don't mean that you should make any accusations - "fight fire with fire".  I think you should continue to tell the truth.

What I mean by "move from defense to offense" is that, if the other party has said anything that is false or an exaggeration, it's important to re-frame the discussion accordingly.  It is wrong, and probably illegal, to make a false accusation, and to repeat it in the divorce/custody case.

Staying on the defensive, you would say, "I didn't do what she says."

Going on the offensive, you would first address the accusation, and then "pivot" to a focus on the other party's behavior:  "Ms. Rewards said I did X.  That is not true - I have never done X - and she has not provided evidence to support her accusation.  Making a false accusation in a court case is a crime, so I am asking that she be cited for contempt, and for full temporary custody to be given to me, until she has shown that she can refrain from making more false accusations."

Maybe that's not the best way to say it - depends on the details of what happened, and what she accused you of, and the law where you live.

My strategic point is that if you stay on the defensive, you're playing for a tie.  To win, you need to shift the focus from "Rewards2 did X" to "Ms. Rewards has made unsupported accusations."

Also, notice how your lawyer deals with these issues.  Is she a strong and consistent advocate for you, or does she treat you like someone who is guilty and it's her job to minimize the damage?

I've seen lawyers so weak you're better off without one.  In a DV situation, you may be considered guilty til proved innocent.  So make sure your lawyer is carrying the message you need her to.

I am sorry things are so unfair to you and your kids. I would strongly suggest you find a guardian ad litem the day you file or before if your attorney thinks. I volunteer as a CASA for juvenile  court and I investigate anything and everything as the judge signs an order. It will be difficult for you not to come across as a POSSIBLE ( BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN AND SHE  IS CONVINCING) abuser. That said, you need to find "high profile" friends or peers to speak on your behalf. If you give a list of names and numbers and say please call any

of these and ask them anything you want about me, my wife and my kids. Remember to not only find those that will say  how great you are, and others that have witnessed her behavior, so they can explain about her and you wont be involved in the conversation.

Next you need to  find a place to house you and your kids, get them basics, like a bed. If you can find a place in your current school district that would also help.

Then get your kids as much as you can and keep detailed records of how much you have them. Go to a park or restaurant, etc till you get into a house.You want to show how much of the time... say 50% and if disputed provide them  with the notebook.

Feel free to message me if I was not clear or you have questions. my cases involve children in foster care but the courts look for the same things for all children.

We had another father (E.S.T.Dad) who was here a couple years ago and faced a similar situation as you in an IDV court, it was difficult but he was able to get a psychological evaluation ordered for both parents, not just himself.

Have you been ordered to take any tests or evaluations?  If possible, try to get any such things made applicable to you both.  Two possibles are a psychological evaluation or a custody evaluation.  Just try your best to have your wife included.  Your wife is projecting her behaviors onto you and projection is a known behavior indicating issues.  However, you don't have credibility with the court, you're not an 'expert', but if a social worker, psychologist or someone else does an evaluation and gets to see the children too, the expert's observations may help reverse the tables just a little.

Really good idea!  (Could be alcohol/drug screening too, if appropriate.)

My wife accused me of assault, but the evidence proved she was not telling the truth.  Then I filed a motion for a Custody Evaluation - a Ph.D. psychologist who did objective psych evals - "MMPI-2" (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Index) - which showed that she also took the test falsely, and enabled the psychologist to diagnose her with "multiple psychological disorders", while my results were (mostly) clean.

Long story short, as the objective evidence piled up - the police report, the psychologist's report, and the MMPI-2 results, among other things - it became very clear who was telling the truth and who was psychologically healthy.

Getting objective information about both parents out in the light of day is a good strategy!

Matt, i love those words, they sound good to me. Should I email them to my lawyer as something that I would like to say?

People have called for me and I need to get a list together of strong advocates. I have been pushing for the mental health evaluation and i am  confident that it will be coming.

  just my two cents, I would start counseling and parenting classes before being told to.

When you go into court and they see you did this on your own it will go along way in the eyes of the Judge.

I am not saying you need either classes, just saying showing that effort and concern could be beneficial.

I have been through the domestic violence thing myself and its hard for everyone involved. Many emotions take over, its all a shock/jolt to you, try to find a apartment with 3(plus) bedrooms, I know its hard, but that to will go along way in court.

best luck to you and your children.

Matt, your situation has similarities to mine. I am now at the point where I want to go N/C with her. What do you think about N/C?

Krista,

I am in counseling and I am taking an online parenting course. I was planning on taking the course anyway but I was just too busy before. I don't know how I could prove that in court but that is not why I am taking it. I decided to take it because I know the kids need extra great parenting now and I am trying to be at my best during this very trying ordeal

I don't know when would be the right place and time.  The key is to agree with your lawyer as to your strategy, and then make sure everything you both do reinforces that strategy.

Is it a crime where you live to make false statements to the police or in court papers?

When you have kids together, you have to find the right way to communicate about the kids.  For me, that's almost always e-mail, and only specific things about the kids.

Time is short, so I rephrased some of your words and sent it to my lawyer. This way she knows that I am thinking about it, researching it and on top of it.

I think the main point is to have a stance. To be of the personal feeling that I do have a point, that what is going on is not a one way road of  "bad man" and "victim women"

Things happen fast in court and we lay people are not familiar with how things work.

It is very helpful to have thought about the issues and probably the best is write things down.

I will never forget one time when i to fight a ticket for going through red light. I got vaporized. I went in with a few ideas in my head and told them to the judge. The officer showed up, pulled out her notebook and read "the facts" right out of the book. I didn't stand a chance.

Now I that i said that I have to do it. Writing things down is a great method to clarify thoughts.

yes, that is what I have been doing, by text. Even that is too much with her. 

My story is too long for here but there is something I have learned in the last 5 years. I only communicate through email. I actually got rid of texting and do not answer my cell phone. That boundary has protected me very well. My ex would try to attack from multiple angles and email stopped that. It also is great for documentation. I carry a video camera and an audio recorder. I have found that once someone files false charges against you they will not hesitate the next time no matter what it is. I have been accused of bruising our youngest, accused of having no heat in my house, accused of not feeding our boys, accused of calling her up late at night and ranting and threatening, the list goes on. I've had three protection orders filed against me. The law is biased against men when it comes to DV.

The email communication rule protects me and I am able to make her follow the court order. I also have learned to read her emails and get a sense that something is about to happen. I stay focused on our kids and never get into arguments with her. I try to stay with the three sentence rule in my emails. For the most part I am successful.

These IDV situations can be bad, because they blur the line between criminal and civil matters.

As someone who has been accused of a crime, you have rights, and unfortunately the system - including your own attorney - may put a lot of pressure on you to give up those rights, maybe without fully realizing that you are giving them up.

Once that happens - for example, if you take a plea agreement, because you are told it will mean no jail and no fine - "You'll just have to take some classes" - you will be agreeing that you broke the law, and that may put you in a very weak position for custody.

Be very, very careful what you say to anyone about what happened.  Make sure that you know what your lawyer can disclose to someone else if you talk to her about it.  We assume that anything we tell an attorney can't be used against you, but I have found that is not always the case.  Make absolutely sure you know what the rules are before you tell your lawyer anything or sign anything.

If you accept any agreement which acknowledges guilt, even for a small matter, it will be used against you in the custody case.
Hello Rewards, I just read your post. It's been a while since I've been on here, but I thought I'd share some of what's happened to me. I too was in IDV on Long Island ( not sure where you are). Anyway, my ex took our son, had me arrested, made a TON of allegations and had an OP against me. I had a pretty incompetent lawyer. ( she went through FIVE). She's lied, lied, lied and manipulated everyone from me, to our child to the system itself. "They" ( BPD'S) are VERY. Good at that and you have to be EXTREMELY careful. Unfortunately, I took a plea to " make the charge go away." Trust me, I learned the hard way that it DOES NOT. However, I did have a very fair judge. So, even with the OP ( which is now expired) I have 45% custody PLUS SHARED RESIDENTIAL custody of our son. I also have him a majority of his "waking hours" and she has him mostly while he sleeps.

My best advice is to fight the OP. DON'T plead guilty to ANYTHING no matter how "minor" they tell you it is. The burden of proof is on her. Remember that. You can be just as fearful of her as she says she is of you. And it sounds that way to me. Another thing, file a petition for custody. Men tend NOT to do that which is why women USUALLY ( not always) are awarded custody. It's what is in the "best interest of the child." It'a your job to prove that in this case it's you.

I'm not 100% satisfied with my arrangement. It's taking it's toll on my son to "bounce" back and forth so much from house to house, but until there's a "significant change in circumstance" ( when he starts school) I now know better. I'm hoping the court will see that he's better off here based on each of our ( parents) circumstances and what we can each provide for our son. My story is LONG. Like most on here, it this is a good place to get advice and help.

Let me know if I can assist in any way. You can inbox me with questions and I'll do my best to answer or offer any guidance. You DON'T. Have to settle for what SHE says you do. Fight for your kids. She doesn't "own" them. If you're a good dad, they deserve to be with you too. Good luck!

I am planning to file for custody, from what I have heard here on this website and from advisors that is definitely something important to do. Thanks for the support.

Even though I know that I leaving the kids with her is not great for them, being forced out of my house and have no place for my kids to stay with me has put me on the defensive so even though I knew it was the correct move to file for custody, I have not done it yet.

Yesterday I spoke to my court appointed lawyer and I am planning on filing for custody this week.

We have our next court date on Wednesday.

It is amazing. I spoke to a social worker last night that has been working with our family for about a year. She told me that there are many people that even after an arrest go back into the situation.

At this point I cannot imagine going back. As David said, once someone files a false accusation they usually will not hesitate to do so again. Being arrested and in jail for 24 hrs, I tell my friends, was an interesting, but ONCE in a lifetime experience that I never want to experience again.

And i think I will switch to email too.

Think outside the box.  For example, you're going to file for custody.  Where to live?  If you're seeking custody, why can't you seek residence in the home?  Of course, she will object, yet (1) no one cared about blocking you from the family home and (2) she could live with her parents if necessary since they seem to be nearby.  However, if you do that, you'll have to do more than state your history of substantial parenting, you'll also have to state her past poor behaviors and behavior patterns.  And although the court was quick to take action a couple months ago which disadvantaged you, it will likely be abysmally slow to correct things.  (In my case, I had my court's social worker and the custody evaluator both recommend I get much more time and responsibility with the children but the court ignored them and just went on to the next steps, It was nearly a year later before something reasonable was put in place and that was only in the settlement's final decree.)  Realize that and strategize accordingly.

Have the children been in counseling or in contact with the social worker(s)?  Have they told what really happens in ths home?  (They've probably been trained to keep quiet about problems, and now being pressured to become alienated from you.)

While I've noticed that many of those professionals associated with my case didn't want to step forward and identify the extent and source of the misbehaviors, they at least stated they had no issues with me and had to admit my then-spouse needed parenting instruction, etc.  Yes, they danced around the issues, trying to keep her misbehaviors off the record, it really was more about wanting to protect the children's contact with mother rather than encourage the children's contact with the more stable and capable parent.  They won't admit it, they won't state it outright, but that's the overall inclination and supposedly subtle leaning.  (Some mothers here will say they have difficulty too so it may also be a case where the system bends over backward to make sure the squeaky wheel is greased.)

I am going to throw an idea out there. Please let me know what you think.

The way things are going this is only getting nastier and nastier.

From my side, if my wife starts to feel desperate she could easily resort to making up stories about my behavior that are completely untrue, such as sexual abuse or other such behaviors. Things could then get even more serious and with the way things are in the world today, jail time could even be a possibility. Who knows. I don't even want to go in this direction, but i am thinking out loud.

And how are the kids going to feel if their father is in jail? Is that going to be good for their development or not good? Think about how that will effect their relationship with me, with their friends, with their mother. There would be no good to come out of that.

Not only that, but those types of things cost money. Lawyers. Lost time at work. Criminal record. Who knows what else.

Now take it from her perspective. As it is now the ACS is investigating. What will be with that? Will there be quick end to that? Or will they continue to investigate, perhaps coming a couple days a week to see what is going on.

In addition, the ACS may start looking into school records, Dr. records, etc. That is also not going in a positive way for anybody. Is that what is really is best for the kids?

How about this alternative? Let a 3rd party present these ideas to my wife. We are, after all, still husband and wife, legally and morally bound to each other.

Let the 3rd party present these ideas and see if she willing to drop the issues here and move on to perhaps a clergy member as a mediator and we could try to work out these issues in a more peaceful and beneficial manner to all.

It could save us a lot of grief, money, headaches and more.

First priority is to protect yourself. Doing that allows you to help the kids.

My ex said I bruised our youngest. She took him to the pediatrician. I recieved an email from ex about what she had done. At the time, I was livid and then became scrared I would never see the kids again. I called my atty and was told to sit tight because these things happen in divorce. That was not good enough so I called a friend that was a doc. He said if a parent comes in with such claims, 1) there are telltale signs of actual abuse and just plain old kid bruises  2) if he suspected abuse he would contact dhs on both parents since he wouldn't be sure who was telling the truth

Ex contacted dhs herself and they called me. I explained what was going on and I read several emails that ex had sent me along with my replies. I offered that they come and visit my house whenever they want. They told me that was not necessary and never called me again.

Months later at a custody eval she brought it up again. I was much calmer and pointed out that she was not telling the truth. The evaluator said she would be calling the pediatrician. I pulled out my cell phone and gave her the number and the doctor's name that ex took child to. Weeks later ex brought it up again and the evaluator told ex that she had called the doc and the doc said she had put in her notes the accusation but saw no signs of abuse. Ex claimed that the doc told her that she called me and gave me a warning to never do it again. Ex was grasping and it showed. Evaluator said that didn't happen and she turned around and said the doc lied to her.

Ex was using serious alienation tactics back then. I found a therapist for me and found ways to talk to our boys. At the time both boys wanted nothing to do with me. However, over time, ex showed her true colors and they figured out she lies a lot. I now have a better relationship with both boys then I ever did and she has alineated both of them from her.

When you learn to detach from ex and her nonsense you will find you can help the kids much better.

Make sure to protect yourself and be prepared for anything.

Ex actually had me arrested under false allegations and I went to jail for two weeks. The kids were present at the alleged incident. They were 12 and 7 at the time. That really wound up hurting ex's credibilty with them. She recently was talking to them about how abusive I am and they both turned around and told her she was lying. They are now 14 and 9 and are no longer afraid of her like they were before. This is not going well for her but that is her issue to deal with.

People told me that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I've been dealing with this for 5 plus years and it is getting better. She still sends emails telling me what is wrong with me but I do not react. I just save the emails for later when I may need them.

"Let a 3rd party present these ideas to my wife" - Present what ideas?

The strategy that seems to work best is to get information out in the light of day.

Everything that is relevant - look for ways to document it and consider the best way and time to get it to the court.

If you think there is someone she might listen to, great.  I tried that - didn't work - but if you think someone might be able to influence her, it might be worth a try.

If she's like my wife, she won't do what's right until it is clear to her that she is out of options.  That means you have to have a solid plan to go to court and win, and carry it through.  At the last minute - for my wife, it was 24 hours before court - that's when a good settlement is likely.

As far as the criminal issues go, one thing to understand is that it's no longer up to your wife.  Even if she tells the truth now, the charges won't be dropped.  On TV, they say, "The victim decided not to press charges.", but in real life, that's not how it works.  Once charges have been filed, only the prosecutor or the judge can drop them, and the prosecutor won't do that, because she (the prosecutor) doesn't get paid to drop charges, especially in DV cases.  She gets paid to get convictions or plea agreements.

The judge can order the charges dropped, but that won't happen til you prove you are innocent.  In DV cases, you are (contrary to the Constitution) considered guilty til proven innocent.  The prosecutor's position will be - regardless of what your wife says - that if needed, she will put you on trial, and your wife will get on the stand, and say whatever the prosecutor tells her to say, and she will cry, and the jury will feel sorry for her, and convict.

That's what your criminal defense attorney will tell you - that no matter what the evidence says, you are at risk of conviction because your wife will cry.  You need to find a criminal defense attorney who knows how to deal with that, by picking jurors who can add 2 plus 2, and by showing that there is no evidence against you, and that your wife is not credible.  Your criminal defense attorney has to be prepared to put your wife on the stand and prove that she is not credible.  If your criminal defense attorney is prepared to do that, you probably won't have to go to trial, because the prosecutor and the judge will see what is going to happen - your criminal defense attorney is going to prove that your wife made false accusations, which means she committed a crime - and that's when the charges will be dropped.

If you talk with the best criminal defense attorney you can find, and you decide that it's too risky, that's your call.  You can find out what the sentence might be, and decide what to do.  But don't give up before you have tried to fight it - the cost of giving up is very serious.

Generally, mediation doesn't work with people who have BPD, but it could be worth a try, to show you are doing your best.  Just make sure that at every point you are consistently telling the truth and demanding your rights to be considered innocent til proven guilty.

Do you have a criminal defense attorney?  What is her advice?

A jury trial is much better than a judge being the only one to make the decision. If you get a judge on a bad day or very bised you are done. You need a criminal atty that knows how to pick a jury.

I tried mediation once and it was a waste of time. All ex wanted to do was fight. She was triggered most of the time since I was there. The mediator did get it but there isn't much they can do because they are neutral. I finally stood up and left. The mediator worked with ex after that. We went to court the next day and what I had proposed became ex's idea and we were done in about 20 minutes. It's all about winning to my ex and her definition of a win is that she must find a way to hurt me. When I don't react she gets more upset and more outrageous.

Trying to reason with an unreasonable person doesn't work.

I will respond according to how my personal circumstances developed and also similar to many others.  Some cases are more extreme, others are less so.  While it's possible your spouse will respond and react better than I expect and not continue to overreact and retaliate - those with BPD or other PDs do not all have identical behaviors or to the same extent - there is no way to be sure in advance.  Every case is unique in some ways, though there often are typical patterns to discern and handle.  You're the one there and not us in remote peer support, so you'll have to be the one to decide.  Here's some of my concerns, flavored by my experiences and those of some others in years past.


You may not have a choice if you want to be a father and not be an appeaser, doormat or Whipping Boy.

Parents in the more extreme cases report endless false allegations (the agencies generally refuse to term anything as "false" so instead they use passive terms such as "unsubstantiated" and sometimes "unfounded" made to as many agencies as possible.  In my case, my child's other parent made allegations or "suspected" me of every sort of child abuse, perversion, rage beating, child drugging possible.  She even sought to have my county declare an Amber Alert on me while on vacation with my child.  And the agencies all let her keep making allegations.  Over time she lost more and more credibility, though the only "not credible" statement (courtspeak for 'liar' put in writing was when she reached too far and tried to claim Kwanzaa as her holiday even though she wasn't of Jewish descent.



By the time my marriage was imploding, where my spouse had run out of friends, co-workers and family to blacklist, I was just about the last one left to blame.  She saw all who tried to reason with her as taking sides with me and not as neutral friends or counselors.  The "black OR white" - friend or foe - perceptions didn't allow for her to acknowledge the gray areas in between or those who were looking in from the outside and just trying to be objective.


In most areas family courts do have mediation as one of the first steps in a divorce.  So it is good to attempt mediation and not just half-heartedly go through the motions. However, you must be realistic, mediation generally doesn't work because the other spouse won't negotiate reasonably.  Mediation does not mean appeasement or capitulation.  You need boundaries, generally you'll only get enforceable boundaries from court, reluctantly and minimally, and in most cases the court's decisions are better, far better than what crumbs our spouses are willing to give us.

So how is it that most divorces do end in settlements?  Because eventually it does end up in court for a judge to decide and it's not uncommon - when there are no more delays and obstructions allowed - for the other spouse to finally accept that a settlement would be better than what the judge is about to decide.  In my case, I was greeted with the news that my spouse wanted to settle "on the court house steps" (disclaimer: my court house didn't have steps) as I entered on Trial Day.  This was over 21 months into my divorce case.  Until then no one could reason with her, not the mediator, not the evaluators, not the lawyers.  Eventually though she literally could not delay serious negotiations any more.

Start documenting (as much as you can) what made you the primary caregiver for 2 years. Who took your kids to afterschool activities, dentist and doctor appointments, school, who made lunches, tucked them in at night, entertained them, did homework with them. My L told me to put together a list of people who could vouch for my involvement (I never needed the list because N/BPDxh became unglued and sabotaged himself), but it's a good idea for you.

It's easy in these kinds of high-stress situations to feel like the guilty party. You aren't. If she accused you of punching her in the head and you did not, then that is the truth. Did you punch her in the head? No. Then you are not guilty of that. Period. Don't explain what happened. Stick to what she said you did. That will help you when you start talking to court professionals, or if you have to do a deposition.

Nons tend to feel guilty about things. You need to get over that quick, and start exercising some assertiveness about what you know is best for your kids. By appeasing, or feeling guilty, or pleasing other people, bad things happen not only to you, but your kids.

Get a copy of Splitting if you haven't already. It's the bible for nons divorcing BPD sufferers. And read Divorce Poison because parental alienation is almost always the secondary battle we face. That will help arm you with skills and techniques for maintaining a real and loving r/s with your kids, despite the propaganda your ex tries to inflict on them. I'd also read Power of Validation -- it's at the heart of what makes a resilient kid. Your kids will be able to feel that something real happens when they're with you. The same can't be said of their time with BPD mom because validating other people is antithetical to BPD behaviors.

Don't let your L drive this thing. Advocate for yourself and get as much advice from people here. The court system will chew you up and spit you out if you let it, and you need to do whatever you can to turn this ship around!

Went to court today. It all happens so fast and with so little preparation that it is difficult to follow. My lawyer was harassing me because I didn't file custody papers, when I didn't even have an idea about what to file.

As soon as we got in front of the judge I am immediately accused of a about 10 different "transgressions". Since this is not a trial my lawyer tells me to ignore it. I really don't like my lawyer I am sorry to say.

Anyway the main question was how the visits were going. I was accused of coming late, dropping off late, etc.

in the end nothing really happened. Not that I noticed anyway. The criminal proceeding is set to May.

The good news is that a lawyer friend of mine helped me figure out the best path for me for now. Which is to file for joint custody and leaving her with physical custody. It Is the most realistic approach for now I don't have a place for six kids anyway, and this leaves me with my foot in the door and a realistic chance of getting it with the minimum of fighting.

It seems to really make sense to me and once that is achieved I can really focus on getting divorced and remarried and setting up a solid household.

Hmm, if that's how your lawyer friend helped, I'm worried about you.  Too much is happening at once.

But let's start with you.  "focus on getting divorced and remarried and setting up a solid household"  Problem there.  Unless you're a pushover and quite rich, it will take a while for a reasonable divorce.  If you rush it for quick deals, you won't be left with much to restart your life.  And remarriage?  You need time to figure out what went wrong the first time you married.  Sometimes it feels like we're BPD magnets.  You sure don't want a repeat of this.

Why agree to her having physical custody?  Is she really the better parent for the children?  While it may seem 'realistic" right now it will be extremely hard to undo it later on.

The #1 mantra of the Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254) handbook is never to admit to something you didn't do.  First, it's wrong to lie to the court.  Second, any guilty plea however minor it is claimed to be will be permanently on your record and will put you at a distinct disadvantage in family court.  Third, guilty pleas can't be appealed or later denied.

I'm not saying you can't roll over, it's just that you don't have to.

The criminal part is very serious.  What evidence is there?  Witnesses?  Or is it her word against yours?

Didn't you say a children's services agency worker was monitoring things?  Can that person speak out about what's really happening?  Are the children able to relate what life is like with father and what life is like with mother?

Every false accusation must be challenged immediately.

Bring a notebook, and write down exactly what was said.  Then when it's your turn, refer to your notes, and say, "A few minutes ago, Ms. Rewards said 'Mr. Rewards did X.'  That is false, and she has no evidence to support it.  I have never done X.  I ask the court to instruct Ms. Rewards not to make more false accusations."

Shift the focus from "Rewards2 did X!" to "Ms. Rewards is making false and unsupported accusations."

You may need to do this a number of times.  The judge may not like it, but it will force everyone in the room to recognize that your wife is making unsupported accusations.

Discuss this approach with your lawyer and instruct him to help you with it.  If he won't do that fire him.

Find out what options there are to hold someone accountable for false statements in court, or in court documents.  Can she be held in contempt of court?  File a motion asking for that.  Can she be charged with a crime?  Talk to the police, fill out a report and demand that she be charged.  Can she be subject to civil charges?  Find out how to do that and file them.  Use the law to hold her accountable, or everyone will assume that the accusations are true.  (And "everyone" includes your own lawyer.)

Ditto to FD's and LnL's recommendation of "Splitting".  It's perfect for your situation - tons of very important and practical stuff.  Your lawyer should read it too.  Make it clear to him that this is how your case is going to be handled so he should read it before your next meeting.

And don't take advice from your L friend. I agree with FD. You are going to end up screwed if you follow that plan. Screwed. This is not an ordinary divorce, it's high-conflict, and if you want to raise healthy kids, they are going to need as much time with you as possible. It's remarkable the change in my son now that he spends majority time with me. He was considered an at-risk kid at age 8, and his transformation into a fairly resilient kid in middle school is stunning. Therapy, consistent solid steady loving home, limited time with N/BPDx. It matters.

And FD is right -- what you agree to right now, while it may seem temporary, is really really really hard to undo. Especially if you two agree to it. A lot of us ooze passivity, and tend to be people who appease and avoid conflict. You have to get in touch with your assertive side and pay attention to the bullet train heading your way. Read Splitting -- it will explain what's about to happen, both the legal system and the mental illness when it hits the legal system.

I hear you all. Asking for joint custody is something that I can realistically ask for now.

Right now I am living in my office. I can't afford apartment now. Not only that, we have six kids. Not only can I not afford an apt., but especially if I had to add on to that a full time person to take care of the 10 month year old baby. I need to get myself situated, focus on getting myself set up. If I try to take the kids when I am not fully together it is not going to work out any better than if she had them.

According to the lawyer, who incidentally I hired instead of the free lawyer from the city, I can always file a new petition. Especially if things change and she is faltering in a serious manner in her taking care of the kids.

I am not sure about all your situations so what worked for you all may not be the best for me. After hearing people give both sides of their opinions, one being to sue for full custody, the other being to move on and accept visitation and that is all - this idea resonated to what I think is right for me now.

Our kids are young. 10 mos to 12 years. Yes, it is painful to think about them being neglected with her. I cry over it.

However to help them in the long term I have to get myself set up and together now.

Also, the part about getting remarried was said along the lines of moving on with my life and starting over. Don't worry, I will not be rushing into that. For now I am concentrating on getting through the criminal proceeding, building my side business into a real business, therapy and working on my myself.

Please let me know what you think.

Well, looks like you guys were correct. Wednesday morning my lawyer called me up and told he thinks we should go for full custody.

Based on the kids not attending school regularly and the whole disruption to their lifestyle after consulting with a lawyer friend of his that is what he told me. The papers have have already been served.

The advice from here may have been correct, but it is scary.

First of all the battle. Who knows what she will do.

Second of all if i get custody what do with them all. (Meaning six kids)

I have made a resolution to take it one step at a time, one day at a time and one moment at a time.

Just as I did not expect to be where I am now, I am not expecting anything.

Present the evidence, don't get hung up on the outcome and do what is correct. That is what I am thinking.

The stories from the way the house is not are not easy to hear.

So, I am thinking about taking a two bedroom apt (basement), so I could entertain the kids. As it is now I am still in my office which is just a room. Showering at the gym every morning. Not bad, but  it is getting a little old and the worst is that there is not place to hang out with the kids.

Well it sounds very stressful, but I'm glad you've worked out what you think is best with your attorney.  It sounds like a good plan to me.

Let's talk about "scary"... .  

First, yes, you are in for a battle, but it may not be as bad as you think, and anyway, it's a process you need to work through.

On TV it's always presented as "Mom vs. Dad", and it is an adversarial system, so that's not all wrong.

But you can also look at it as a process to get to the best possible outcome for the kids.

One way to start might be to think - and discuss here, and with others whose inputs you value - what would be the best outcome.  For example, would it be with you in the home, and the kids there most of the time, but seeing their mom every weekend?  Or some other outcome?  Be specific - which days and times, and what arrangements over the summer, etc.

Think about each issue, and the link between what is best for the kids and what you are proposing.  For example, "To make sure the kids make the most of their education, they will be with Father from 6:00 p.m. each Sunday through 6:00 p.m. each Friday, so he can make sure they get to school on time and their homework is done."  ":)ad is better than Mom so the kids should be with him more."  Specific proposals, backed up with kid-focused logic.

Once you have worked through that, and decided on specific outcomes you believe will be best, then you can explore with your attorney all the options you have for achieving those outcomes.  For example, where I live, you can file a motion to have a Custody Evaluator appointed, and/or psych evals for both parents - both steps that I took and that helped.  Get your attorney to list all your options, and advise you as to the costs, risks and advantages of each option, so together you can form a strategy.

Make sure your attorney understands and buys into your objectives, and the strategy you work out with her is designed to achieve those objectives.  And ask lots of questions about how the process works;  one of the reasons this is so stressful is because we don't understand the process, so we keep getting surprises.  Be a student of the process - learn all about it - and that will reduce your stress (by a little anyway).