BPDFamily.com

I don't know how many of you ever get this - but tonight I got another nicey nicey call from my stbexw about something for our daughter (very minor).  Here she has destroyed our marriage, my life and she acts like nothing has happened and nothing is wrong.  It drives me crazy!

Cal she doesn't have the same feelings as you in respect to things like her actions and ramifications on relationships.  It's easier for her move on or pretend like it didn't happen.

It might help to keep your focus on those kiddos.  Doing what's best for them.  It's slow climb.  You can do it.

hmmm... .  

Interesting. My ex did that too. She would call me up and act like nothing happened and tell me all kinds of sweet things. Then, she would tell me horrible, horrible things, accuse me of all kinds of things, call me an ___hole, etc... .  

Good for you for taking care of your kids though.

I think it's par for the course.

Mine BPD wife does the same.  We are separated right now, but she's trying desperately to suck me back in by being extra nice, flirty, affectionate, etc.

I just try and remember the other side of the coin, and all the me tap/emotional anise I've endured. Reading about it, and being on here has also helped me maintain the strength to distance myself.

Yes yes yes... .  I can so relate to this and I am so thankful to know that Im not alone on this scenario.

A positive slant on this - given this call was about your daughter - regardless how minor - is it not a good thing that the conversation was civil?

Yes - it was a good thing the call was civil.  It just hurts in a way that to her it is like nothing every happened.  It is also funny that the call was about something we discussed twice in the last week and I sent an email explaining the situation.  So it is something she knew about - maybe that's why it kinda upset me - it was like she just called to hear my voice.

Snap!

I got an email this morning from her saying she'd heard I'd won an award on Saturday for my sport... .  (she used to do the sport with me, so we all know the same people) and she had just emailed to say well done.

That was all.

I'm pleased it was nice, and it also means that our communication this week is "done"... .  as in, we both get another few days of not feeling like we should text/email to be polite... .  

But I HATE HATE HATE when she is nice, because:

a) It makes me miss her.  It makes me remember the sweet girl I fell in love with, not the person she is now, who appears to be mirroring her new fiancee, and thus I can feel justified in disliking!  It reminds me of when we were together and we were always so proud of each other when we got awards... .  and that makes me sad.

b) How can she just seem to forget everything she has done, left me with bills and rent to pay, all the responsibilities, and just upped and left?  Just because she is happy now with her new fiancee (just 4 months after we split!) she seems to think that I too, should be happy and have moved on? It just seems incredible to me... .  that she can't even consider how I may be feeling at the moment!

So yes.  I totally get how you feel.

I hate when she's angry or ranting about something, but I think it's just as bad in a different way when she is nice!

I agree - when she's angry or venting then I can say to myself (oh yes!, I don't want this the rest of my life).  When she is nice I think - did I do the right thing?  Is she getting better and getting help? Did she see the light? So I actually prefer the angry her ... .  sad to say

I'm a bit unsettled tonight precisely because of this - a phone call to do with kids.  His tone is kindly and he asks how I'm doing and I feel so incredibly petty not chatting back but I have been going over a lot of the bad stuff and really feeling it this time so I'm angry with him. 

But when he's nice like this, I start to doubt myself - that maybe things weren't as bad as I think they were... .  

He leaves abruptly, is in love again with someone else weeks later and talks to me like nothing has happened and we're all friends and mature enough to 'co-parent' civilly.  I feel like he's sorry for me - 'poor Claire - hasn't really moved on'.

Drives me crazy too. 

Urgh, so frustrating, eh!  Yes, I get that.  It's that "how can they think I am ok, just cos they are?".  Really hurts x