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It's funny how quick I am to own my problems.

I have come to look at it as both a good and bad thing. I am happy to be personally accountable at all times and feel I have a good measure now of what to own and what not to own.

But I am still bad at comfortably attributing blame to another person - even when they clearly deserve it.

I forgive myself after some initial monitoring, but I forgive them almost immediately and I am not sure that is a good thing. Because it's not the kind of forgiving that also comes with a promise to myself to never let someone treat me that way again. I literally forive and forget immediately, ushering in the chance for the same situation to occur again.

In relation to my BPD r/ship, I look back now and know what I own. My likely codependence was at times almost as serious as my ex's NPD/BPD. But the bad periods of mine were fleeting. So today, I had a look at all of the Cluster B PDs to see if I perhaps had any of the attributes in a big enough way to seek treatment.

... Nope... .  that's not me. Nope... .  I'd never do that... .  Yeah... .  I do a little bit of that... .  Nope, Nope Nope... .  

I am not sure why going through the list helped me, but it really did.

I guess the only thing I really struggle with as I heal (and I am largely healed) is the discard bit... .  how someone could disappear like that and never communciate again.

But ultimately I have concluded that my reaction to that confusion was completely normal. And as importantly that my ex's ability to actually do that is not normal.

All of this has helped depersonalise a few things for me... .  and allowed me to see the illness and not take things personally, you know?

bb12

Hi bb12, yes I know!  Your post really resonates with me.  I'm glad that you are getting more insights and sharing them with us.

I am also so quick to take responsibility for whatever is happening in my relationships, sometimes I think it's too much - I take on the other person's part, too 

The discarding thing is so painful, I'm with you there.  It really wiped me out.  I think what happened with my pwBPD is that when he was triggered by past trauma, or closeness with me, or a major stressor, I (as the closest person to him) instantly became "the enemy."  The cause of all his pain.  He then superimposed a scary person onto me, someone who meant him harm - he couldn't even see the real me anymore.  Naturally, he wanted to get away from that.  So it helps a lot with the detachment to understand that he wasn't relating to me at all when he broke it off.  He was relating to a boogieman in his past. 

It's really sad and breaks my heart to understand what he has to go through, every time he gets close to someone.

I'm glad you are learning to forgive yourself faster or as fast as other people   |iiii 

Did this thread speak to me today! We had a staff meeting. Over the last year our group has grown from three to six people, so really needed to get everyone together to see how things were working out and to address any issues that were created with the growth. Well one thing we identified was communicating, some things just weren't getting to everyone as we are all coming and going and never all together in the same office space. One issue was brought up that  I had been responsible for. I didn't get the information about the schedule changes so reverted the schedule back to what we had been using. Not a big deal at all, no blaming, no harm done. I apologized for the error and a new method was identified for passing on schedule changes. Meeting adjourned before lunch, everyone had their say and no one had any further concerns. At the end of the day I was dropping some paperwork off in the receptionists office, she was cool and distant, thought she wasn't feeling well so asked, everything OK? Whoa. She was angry, said she knew all kinds of lying was going on about this schedule change and could I look her in the eye and say to her I didn't know anything about it when I reverted the schedule back. Seriously, this was not a big deal, she wasn't in any trouble, or in any way responsible. I looked her in the eye as she asked and told her no, there was no lying going on. I was left feeling bad and then realized, this is the first time I have come up against a person with a PD since I started educating myself. I was able to back down my feelings of personal responsibility and allow myself to let her be accountable for her own feelings and not try to own them myself. So I still feel a little bad that she is upset but not like before when I would have continued to talk to her, try and make her feel better etc. No, I listened to what she had to say, acknowledged it and left.

I just finished reading "Why does he do that? : inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. It was very validating and is helping me to see the abuse of uBPDexh and how I was not responsible. The author does a great job of conveying his understanding of how abusive men make women feel responsible.

I think what we have to look at there are "aspects" in us that approach things rigidly, and without adaptability. Same non adaptive reponse, over and over. Mental and behavioral responses that cause us suffering.

I am also too quick to take responsibility. It results in poor outcomes.