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i'm trying to remember if times were good in our r/s while she was getting away with cheating on me. i think its only when i would catch her would things get bad.

but did her cheating on me 'help' bring some peace and calm into our relationship?

Hmm. I think I understand what you're asking, but... .  I just couldn't ever subscribe to the notion that 'ignorance is bliss' when it comes to something like commitment and/or loyalty. Any "peace and calm" you might consider as a justification is pretty much negated by the betrayal and possibility of STD's.

well, i guess what i'm asking is from her end. does it allow her to bring more peace and calm and affection or more good overall into the relationship, if she's able to go and cheat without getting caught

its just a hypothetical question. haha, this isn't me bargaining. just thinking back over my r/s

In my r/s, when he was cheating online we had relative peace and calm and he was more sexual during these times (I have now figured out -gee and I thought it was me!) I do think it fed something in him which calmed him in some way and he was less aggressive.

I also believe now this is something he is addicted to for reasons unknown to me. I believe the "dating" time, or the seduction phase to him really feeds him and makes him feel alive. My T feels it is an NPD trait. I was unable to ignore the behavior and because I did not "leave" I sent him the message it was okay. While I am very open-minded I am not able to be intimate with someone who lies about intimacy.

I did my best to get past it, we went to counseling... .  he was never able to empathize with how I felt about it and he flat out denied continuing too.

As it turns out he was unable to stop (to this day).