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Title: So mean Post by: drv3006 on March 18, 2013, 04:30:49 PM They are so mean and say such horrible things. I can't understand why I subject myself to this. Over and over. It goes okay for a week and bam. I am trying to stay away I really am. I think the scary part for me and my connection is the suicide of my brother. Because of that I know that people get sad. I blocked him out again. He says Im am arrogant and a liar and a victim. Victim I agree with. He says all of these things and so I say, it should be easy to walk away from me if I am so da#n bad. And it should be easy for me to split if he thinks I am such a piece of crap. I am trying to just accept that this is how he is but it is so mean. Its like when he starts talking he gets in this trance and it goes on and on and on and never shuts up. If I talk and cry I am a victim, if I don't talk I am cold and callous. It is awful He says he is not BPD but Bipolar 2. I swear they are all the same.
Why does he constantly want to belittle me in that so called helpful way but most important. Why do I even care. I just don't want him to hurt himself. He has no one. People do succeed at suicide and logically I know that I have nothing to do with that. But it is so hard. Even when I know that that is my problem. It doesn't give me any relief. I know my fear is he will die. I don't have the control or cure for him. But I just can't stand the thought of him going through this alone. Title: Re: So mean Post by: Maryiscontrary on March 18, 2013, 05:22:30 PM Drv, get yourself away from this toxicity now. If he wanted help, he would have asked for it. Start building boundaries pronto.
Title: Re: So mean Post by: mango_flower on March 18, 2013, 05:47:07 PM I understand the loyalty and guilt, I really truly do, I promise. I would probably drop everything for my ex in a heartbeat, and she knows it.
I wish I had the answers... . but I don't. Surround yourself with logical thinking, good friends. Distance yourself slowly and hope that BPD-ex makes new friends to lean on. I'm sorry this is so hard for you and I wish I knew what to advise... . I haven't found my way out of those same choppy waters yet either though. It's horrible when they suffer, because you feel part of them and it's very hard to disentagle yourself. I know that there are some good resources here about being in the fog (fear, obligation, guilt, I believe). I think I need to find them and read them too! xxx Title: Re: So mean Post by: drv3006 on March 19, 2013, 10:00:20 AM After a slew of horrible voicemails agan from hm last night, I just said I loved you but I am done. I am doing nothing but enabling and feeding whatever this is that I am feeding. It is a big mind "F" for these people and they have "F"ed up my mind pretty good. And everyone my mind was pretty messed up in the first place. I do not deserve this, I am a child of God. He is a child of God, but we cannot play together. It is dangerous. And if he dies, or if he hurts himself or if he even hurts me (and I do fear that some times) I have to remember that I did not cause it. No matter how much he says that I can't see my faults and how awful I am The worst is when he throws up my AA recovery program and says I am fake and have no compassion and don't care about the girls I sponsor and stuff like that. Sometimes everyone sometimes I beleieve him. And that is what scares me the most. He is toxic and I know toxic. This is bad. He is in some zone, state of mind now that I don't even get. Thanks for listening.
Title: Re: So mean Post by: Surnia on March 19, 2013, 11:00:29 AM drv3006
I feel with you! Sounds like you are in a very unhealthy situation. I agree with you, you cannot save or heal him. Can you do something for you to feel safer and better? I try to find it in your prior posts but no success: Are you living together or separate? Title: Re: So mean Post by: drv3006 on March 19, 2013, 11:31:22 AM No we don't live together. Thank God. I just want to forget him and I love him too which makes me sick. What kinda a person loves someone who belittles them and treats them like crap. What does that say about me. What am I getting from this. Drama, stupid drama and I just keep looking for those little scraps of kindness. And that gives me self worth. That is pathetic Waiting for his approval and reassurance is just crap and that is what I do. I have never felts so stupid. Well that is not true. I was felt worse as a drunk. At least I have not desire to drink. I would never drink over this man. I am just really angry today. Thank you all for listening.
Last night I just was told how horrible I am. I could have thrown a million thinks in his face. But did not. But people I wanted to. |