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Title: my exwBPD is remarried and I'm still a mess Post by: imstronghere2 on March 19, 2013, 06:26:44 AM Oh the joys of being a non. Been divorced for going on 1 1/2 years, the exwBPD has since married the POS NPD she was having her affair with and I'm looking forward to my next T appt. tomorrow to help get me squared away again. What a bunch of crap is that? I do pretty well most of the time now and I can't quite put my finger on it but every few months I need to get back to the T because I can feel myself unraveling. Just this past weekend I was alone in my house and just started to cry. The wave of pain came crashing over me out of nowhere. I was raised by a BPD and then spent 22 years with my exwBPD so I understand I'm probably more messed up than most but you would think it would be a lot better by now. I'm beginning to think that these sporadic waves of pain and utter confusion will come and go for the rest of my life. When I was a young man (30 years ago) there used to be a phrase that was used a lot - "get a grip on yourself". Sure wish I could get that grip to stick for good. Kinda makes me think I'm a bit crazy now too. Maybe I am. Just don't know for sure but I think it's more likely PTSD symptoms. Those can go on a really long time.
Title: Re: my exwBPD is remarried and I'm still a mess Post by: Clearmind on March 19, 2013, 06:41:34 AM imstronghere2, I can understand it. I waited for the other shoe to fall with my ex's new replacement. When it did - I knew it wasn't me to blame.
I also grew up in a BPD household - certainly going for therapy tune-up is a good idea - much of our anguish lies in our childhood not with our ex's. I probably don't need to mention that we are much better off putting down the magnifying glass on our ex's and pick up the mirror and look at us/our past. Have you seen a doctor about your PTSD? Title: Re: my exwBPD is remarried and I'm still a mess Post by: imstronghere2 on March 19, 2013, 09:40:53 AM Yes, much of our anguish lies in the core wounds we suffered during our childhood. I haven't seen a doc yet for the PTSD as I've put off that 50 year checkup for a couple of years but it's time I made that appointment. I struggle with drinking also which I use as a form of release from the pressures of dealing with all of it. Just one more thing to throw in the pile of issues.
I was drawn to what was familiar with my exw. I knew how to live without compassion, without emotional empathy and the raging and abuse wasn't as severe so I could deal with that too. It was all SO familiar that it was comforting and that's the really screwed up part. I was happy with that because it was all I've ever known. |