BPDFamily.com

I keep wondering if I will ever wake up and realize this whole thing is just a nightmare.  I'm getting along better each day - growing stronger and starting to detach my heart.  But still will never be able to figure out how things changed so quickly from a sweet dream to a nightmare.

I think one of the obstacles is that the relationship really was a "sweet dream". It's hard. My initial adrenaline rush of freedom has passed and the anger and depression are haunting me. I was living in sweet denial for a long time. I had the house I loved and enjoyed keeping the yard up and doing projects. I worked hard to improve myself because she had me convinced that I was the problem and I did everything I could to remedy it. In the end, I found out the hard way that there was nothing I could have done to "fix" it and was ditched and forgotten. We have minimal contact - for our son only. I haven't been back to my house in 2 1/2 months - most of my stuff is still there. I'll be getting things I need that she "packed away" the next time I see her. It's nice not to have to put up with the projecting, gaslighting, passive-aggressive, blaming, isolating, etc that I've had to put up with.

On the other hand, I'm angry over how I worked so hard to make the marriage work and the fact that I put up with so much in which I could have called it quits long before I sacrificed my identity and self esteem.  I become depressed knowing that she's "packing away" my things; considers me "gone", and I miss the life I was working on before I left. I may never set foot in my house again but I still get to pay for it and watch my savings dwindle.

I've made some friends since then and reconnected with old. Both have been checking up on me regularly and trying to re-assure me that things will get better. I run a lot - entering races when I can. Those things and this forum are what are keeping me going.

I know exactly how you feel. 5 months ago I was planning a wedding, wearing a beautiful engagement ring, had our perfect house, life, and everything made sense. Now - it's all gone and i'm a mess.