BPDFamily.com

In one short week I have discovered the name for  the madness I have been living for 3 years.

I have immersed myself in many of your stories and they are all so achingly, heartbreakingly too too familiar.   What an insidious disorder BPD is.   So tragic.

My doctor partner is in total denial of all the tragedies he has created.    He has reached the pinnacle of a career as a surgeon, lost it all, been deregistered,  faced a suspended jail sentence,  is addicted to online porn and gambling and has lost 1.6 million in the last year.

He is estranged from his family and I am his "everything" but I do not want to be

He has a $200,000  tax bill looming on May 13 and I know he is gambling and I cant take it anymore.

The denial, the betrayal, the heartbreak, the fallout

The denial kills me.   I plucked up the courage to write a very gentle supportive letter outlining why I think he has uBPD and he refutes it.    Whilst he has been treading gently the last week i have the familiar feeling he is up to something.  Younknow what Immean.  Too calm.  Too nice.  Too kind.    Its not right.   He isnt really there in his eyes, he is somewhere else.

He has admitted at times that he does actually play games to see how far he can take things

He has also said he could have been an excellent psychopath or actor

Hmmmmmm

He is constantly bored, well, I realise I am actually bored with the same old BPD behaviours and conversations and dramas and endless talk about him, him, him, him

What about me, me me me

I just told a white lie and said i cant meet him for lunch as I have an appointment.  I am not sure what I want to do next

How can I continue to fake it.

I am not happy

Feel constantly betrayed by the lies about gambling and porn etc etc

I know he is trying to suck me in again.  Whats the phrase, idealisation?

Knowing this makes it even worse because I see the insincerity and I have run out of patience and sympathy

In three years Inhave written countless letters and cards of encouragement, praise amd love

In return I have received one card with nine words on it and one inscribed recipe book which he actually took back in a rage

Take take take


And i give give give

No more

I cant even give him a meal now

  I feel so used

His denial is all encompassing

His mother rang and offerd him her superannuation.  she knows he can never paynhis tax bills.   she has enabled him her whole life.   I told him I hoped he wouldnt accept it but he probably will

No conscience

No regret

No remorse

I have never received an apology for anything

What do I do or say

You said "you feel used, no more, you are not happy".  You also said he is in denial hence will not take the necessary steps to change. 

How much more do you want to take or can you take? 

I just left a 2 year relationship with a controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive BPD boyfriend who lied and deceived me.  It wasn't until the abuse affected my daughter that I took the steps to leave.  You have to decide what is your limit.

You said partner so I'm lead to believe that you aren't married.  Have you been to a counselor to discuss your options and help you deal with your emotions? 

I know it's hard once you learn the hardcore truth of the disorder and that it truly is so difficult to treat especially to those who chose to deny their problem.  At first I wanted to try to help my partner but once I learned that I couldn't, I decided to help myself by leaving... .  although I'm still healing, I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. 

Well done stolemysoul

You are to be commended for your resolution and bravery.

You are right, we are not married, keep separate homes, he comes and goes as it suits him.

I have finally conceded the damage he is causing to my 9yo son and have already commenced psychological therapy with him.

Your story is familiar to me.

Everything hit me last week when I heard the distress from my son in front of my psychologist.  It gave me strength and resolve.  I then realised he had BPD.  Massive lightbulb moment.  I am recovering from an operation and my doctor partner is "seducing" me with kindness but I know it will be shortlived.

I cant fake it anymore or feign interest in the problems of his own making.

I am quite frankly bored with it all.   It isnt exciting.  Its just mire of the same drama after drama

My son is keeping me honest and letting me know if it feels like I am weakening in my resolve not to stand up to him.

No child should have to do this.

I resented my own parents for parentifying me.

I think he senses me pulling away and not engaging in pacifying behaviour and is possibly a bit concerned about that hence the kind efforts this week

Once we start the pulling away it is difficult to know what to say

I am so lucky I own my own safe home and have made it clear he cannot rage here so basically I am keeping away from his territory where he usually attacks me

Unwittingly when I confronted him with my opinion he had BPD I accidentally left a page in that I didnt mean to pertaining to the realisation that I have always been attracted to exciting dangerous men

Despite the other four pages of kind gentle observations and suggestions and offers of support he only chose to focus on that one line, rang me, berated me, raged for 2 hours, said he was violently sick with disgust that he wasnt special,went right off.

Completely BPD and all the while denying such a preposterous suggestion.

After all he has the medical degree, not me!

He hates the thought if being found out or outsmarted.

Massive ego

Anyway sorry again

Im pretty damaged and on the brink of pulling right back

Wish me luck

Thanks again

Hi optimismandlove

I really feel with you. This is so draining and exhausting.

Is there anything that can you do for yourself?

Do you know the Lessons on this board, Choosing a Path? (here on the right side?)

Surnia I think I am instinctively familiar with the steps.

I have stepped right back and am on the verge of sending a letter telling him I can no longer endure his denials.   Especially after I realised I had lived with so much denial growing up.  Ive been there before and Im not going back.  Enough.

Hes out of excuses.  I think he is weak now

I have lost a lot of respect

I am tired, recuperating from a medical procedure

I can no longer pretend to be fascinated by his troubles

Fear holds me back

Fear of the terrible rage

The abuse

Im too tired

I hear your exhaustion. Sounds like you are in depression. I am really concerned about you.

Do you work with a therapiste?

Did he get ever physical towards you?

Optimismandlo,

I've been and am where you are, one thing that we all need to remember is to take care of ourselves, that's the thing that is most worth saving, right? We have to be honest to ourselves, and journal the facts and our emotions to experiencing them. If I wrote a letter, it would cause mayhem. If it doesn't work (letter), write it but don't give it or write on to yourself and therapy is for you so KEEP going no matter if you leave. I'm sorry you are going through this too. Hugs.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm)

He doesn't really have the emotional growth necessary to understand your situation. I wouldn't worry about sending him any more letters trying to explain or justify. Some good tips in the link. Gradually start pulling back your support and contact in as boring a way as possiblle. Take the its me not you approach. No legal worries since you are not married or have joint property. You are tired and confused and need space to rest and think... .  when you stop playing your role in the dance he is left to his problems and you are left with your own.

Oth

Thanks everyone for your support.  It means a lot to me.

I hear what you say whereisthezen about writing a letter and not sending it.   This has been one of my tools for many years.  Very good advice and very therapeutic.

I reread everything, edit and re edit before I ever give a letter.

Oth,  I also hear what you say about perhaps "wasting" my energy writing letters that cant be appreciated. 

I keep them to a minimum and painstakingly choose my language.

My last contact was by phone last night in response to me texting I was sad and needed reflection time.  He pressed me for the reason and I repeated my concern he is in denial of what we know.

He is very upset with me, a layperson, analysing and labelling him.   Says its not appropriate for a partner to do. 

I get that so I reworded a letter I had prepared, omitting all references to the label BPD, instead making reference to emotional troubles.

Once again I am imploring him to make an admission he needs help.

What drives me is not reacting from violence or aggression.   he has never physically threatened or harmed anyone.   it is the dreaded knowledge that he is continuing to gamble uncontrollably and the looming disaster of when the tax deadline comes and it cant be paid.  I know he is leaving my home after a family meal to gamble and watch porn .  That is his escape.

That is what upsets me.

That and the absolute refusal to ever acknowledge he has a pathological gambling problem.

That is our problem.   He honestly thinks he is managing!

The denial is so deeply entrenched.  I think his fear is if he admits there is a root cause he then has to face that root cause and he just wont go there.

I am continuing to be polite but distant, trying tomkeep the lines of communication open.

I dont believe ultimatums work but stating my boundaries will.

I am tired and finding it hard to be cheery for my kids

But i will be okay

I see my psychologist next week as does my 9yo son

Thanks again

Optimismandlove

You see yourself as a layperson? Why? Because he makes more money and can't control his impulses to use his gifts properly?  You brought up your truth to him. He gave you his answer. Do you believe him or your own truth? What is the best course of action based on what you believe to be the truth?

Hey Oth

When I say laypersonI mean I am not a clinical psychologist and therefore not qualified to diagnose someone as BPD. 

I respect myself and my abilities and instincts.

I do know my truth is real and I am sadly pulling away gradually

I think he knows my truth but it doesn't suit him

In seeking to understand the reasons for my codependent behaviour I am being confronted with bad memories of my childhood so am having to deal with that as well.   I have told my partner this and that I am feeling very tired and he is giving me space.

Hi Optimismandlove:

Nice to meet you. I really resonate with your story.

High functioning, small town , visible persons etc.

I left my uBPDdoch 2 years ago. from what they here call an extinction burst. OH MY that was a drama.

D8 (at that time) and myself were quite ill living in the rabbithole of UBPDH addictions.

I think you have been very smart to have kept your space and home separate etc.

of course it's nice your finances have enabled this.

The folks here are very wise. They have been right and their predictions for what we would continue to encounter have been spot on, sadly.

I am in the phases of detatchment and much self inventory.

It is a slow climb out of this hell.

BPD is an awful disease.

Regardless of our amazing compassion, they will take us down with them.

At this time I have very little hope.

In the beginning, I spent thousands interviewing top docs and specialists on BPD in North America,as I just could not believe/accept the prognosis.

They were spot on too.

It is a disease of denial. period.

Be grateful you do not share a child.

Thanks for sharing, misery loves company <3

Hey there Nona

I am sad and sorry to hear of the damage your BPD relationship caused to you and your daughter.

Yes, I am very fortunate that my financial position allows me to keep my own separate safe home and that I havent been completely engulfed and drowned by this insidious disorder.

You are so right.  It is a disease. Of denial.

I am struggling to sleep at the moment as I have been reflecting on how I came to be this person with this compulsion to try and fix people.

Its brought up sad memories of a lost childhood and the scary realisationthat I may be mirroring my own mothers behaviour ie co dependence to my abusive father.

Very confronting.

I am struggling to find the right moment and words to say the blunt truth

I see my psychologist on Thursday

I am already grieving for the lost opportunities he had with me

Thank you for sharing with me.

You are very brave and have done the right thing.   You are giving your daughter an opportunity to heal as a child which will help her in later life immensely.

Stay strong.   Reward yourself daily.  Even if its just smelling a beautiful flower or gazing up at a starry sky.

I hear what you are saying about not wanting to accept BPD  and consulting many professionals.   I know my layperson's diagnosis to be heartbreakingly true and am having tomlook back at the last 3 years of my own denial and even further back to past relationships.    I have a welldevelopedability to block out the bad and focus onwhatever good I can glean from any situation.    This has been my coping skill for my entire life due to an unstable childhood.  I feel I need to go right back in order to heal myself.

I have also realised,quite shockingly that I do have a fear or inability to really be on my own.   I have been a serial relationship seeker my whole life.   

Even if the relationship has serious flaws it is somehow familiar and I am always hopeful that this time I will turn it around.

I had a "safe" marriage for 18 years from which my two sons were born.

Emotionally, financially, socially it was safe but there was no intense connection, or dare I say, "drama"

When I left at 39 to have more fun in my life I found myself drawn to an exciting "damaged" man who was adventurous but an angry alcoholic (like my father). We didnt live together so I always had somewhere safe to withdraw to.

After 5 years I broke free and moved back to my hometown to almost immediately engage in this current "exciting" relationship.  I am now seeing the patterns. 

But with each passing day, and as a parent, there is aleays hope in life.

I hope you find peace, learn to smile easily, and continue to be kind to yourself

Optimism

What does connection mean? What does exciting mean? Do we feel exiting? Do we try in meaningful ways to connect or do we look for others to give us that because we don't feel the confidence to be exciting and seek out connectedness ourselves?

Do both partners seek to fill a certain empty feeling in these relationships? Can this work in a healthy manner? What can we be truly resonsible for? What actions can we take to make the best decisions for ourselves?

That is a lot of questions, Oth

Many questions.   Many possible answers.

No black and whites.

In answer to your question about connectedness I experience that on many levels with many people in my life.

I do not exclusively need to seek "excitement" externally or through projection


I am not empty, far from it and I have many lifelong friends.

I am experiencing a new chapter of my life with the very recent realisation about having an uBPD partner and I am seeking all avenues of help available to me.

I have only been travelling this route for about two weeks.

In time I will find answers to many questions.

For now, I look  forward to sharing my two weeks of experience with my trusted psychologist.


Nothing in life is absolute.   i do not subscribe to black or white thinking, more like an endless range of shades of grey.

Incidentally, I believe my partner experienced a breakthrough yesterday after learning his father had his land for sale in our town.  He talked to me  today about his feelings of abandonment by his father but also of some relief that his father wasn't moving to our small town.  He started recalling unpleasant memories of his father's bullying behaviour in his teens and surprised himself with his recall.  We were able to calmly share reflections of our turbulent childhoods and are realising some similarities.  The methods we developed as coping strategies when we were children vary but the trauma was similar. this is an area he hasnt been comfortable with considering before now.

I see it as a small breakthrough

He knows I am facing my own childhood memories to help me seek answers for my own behaviour and choices so hopefully this has prompted him a little to do likewise

I accept I can not change him and that any insight and change can only come from him

That is so true, even then the insights are often only fleeting and often feel like cruel teasers that keep us on the hook. real changes take a long time with much commitment and many false starts.

From your side, you are correct it is about protecting yourself from the destructive aspects, both real, and emotional.

Main steps are to stop making it worse by staying out of pointless conflicts and away from outright abuse. With the aim of reducing conflict and tension.

This is backed up with personal boundaries and a whole lot of Acceptance about things you cant influence.

Even if you can get the RS on a manageable level, it is quite possible that now your eyes are wide open that you may simply be no longer compatible, even if the dramas are avoided. The original idealization that drew you in is most likely gone forever, and even yhat hindsight may not hold the appeal it once had

Hi waverider

I understand changing the survival habits ingrained over a lifetime will be a slow dawning process at best.

The little glimmer of insight I saw today was fleeting.  Yes.  But enjoyable.

I have already stopped idealising the RS but I will always have very warm fond memories of our first year together.

The rages are directly linked to gambling and are infrequent.

I read the warning signs early and avoid all conflict.

I simply remove myself calmly and quietly back to my place.

It is not a tempestuous RS in that sense and we are great friends

I do ponder different scenarios such as could we just be friends and right from the start it was friendship first so maybe it is possible

I am well over the "honeymoon" phase of romantic love but am very fond of the well him

My personal boundaries strengthen each day and I am having a lot more time to myself.

We have an unconventional set up with the two homes but it does work

My overriding concern is the gambling and I know  he leaves my place early each night to go home and "gamble carefully" for the looming tax bill

I loathe it and I am distancing myself further each day but being polite and respectful and not giving any reason for flare ups but preserving my dignity and self respect and wishes.

I am planning to take my boys away with me for the next school term break

I accept he can or will not stop gambling and therefore there is no solid relationship

I am sitting back calmly watching the next 7 weeks unfold and will simply observe what happens regarding the payment of the tax bill.  I have emotionally detached myself and have no interest in monitoring his finances anymore.  It is pointless.

I have more time and energy to devote to my number one fulfilling pastime.  Being there for my two beautiful sons.

Thank you all for your continuing words of wisdom, questions, and guidance

Optimism

I have heard the same from my EXpdh as well as being accused of "armchair psychology" with my uBPDso. You have allowed yourself NC by not moving in with him, etc... . as I have done. I applaud the way that you are taking care of yourself and your son. I also have a son. I find that this ACCUSATION by anyone is really abusive... . it is "discounting" what we are trying to say to them. We do not have to have "a degree" in psychology to SEE what a person is doing and that they "may have" an addictive behavior. We are not idiots and we are seen in the "extremes" either angel or devil, white or black and there is NO INBETWEEN with them.

If we "state an opinion" they DISCOUNT it by saying that we don't have the qualifications to determine it. Delusional. Denial. We know better.


Unfortunately for both of you, it is VERY real and you can no longer deny that.


Of course, he is a doctor after al, he is "ABOVE" you and he doesn't want YOU to think that YOU know MORE than he does in anything; especially about him.


You have a right, as a person, to NOT WAIT ON HIM to give you anything. YOU can TAKE THE SPACE you need without apology or excuse. He doesn't HAVE TO understand, accept or approve of what decisions you make for yourself and your son. He has DISREGARDED, DISCOUNTED and DISMISSED your concerns about HIM and may not even allowed you to voice any concerns about how you feel about a relationship with him.

Take care of yourself and son... . NC "until YOU feel like contacting him" would probably be best, at least that is what I think that I would be doing if I were in your shoes right now. Hang in there and take good care of you and that precious son of yours. 

Thank you reallady

You certainly understand.

I feel very proud of myself for not initiating ongoing contact.  It is empowering. And liberating.  In this detached observing state I am noticing every nuance he makes and am speaking freely but without antagonism.

I am noticing his silent disapproval when I calmly disagree with something he says.

I can see his effort to contain himself in my space and here on my terms.

I feel that if I go to his space I forfeit my home ground advantage.

I grow stronger the longer I stay away from his space where I could be vulnerable.

I visited there briefly on the weekend and within 5 minutes he was triggered.

We called in briefly with my son and his friend who were excited to have a play in the glorious grounds.

My partner demanded I get them to pick up apples instead of letting them play and I calmly said that I would ask them to help me after they had a play.

This triggered a rant that they were "just kids"  and God forbid if I ever upset the "precious kid"

I calmly stated that kids are never "just" kids in my eyes and are allowed to be playful as well as helpful

I asked him how it would feel for him if I referred to his beloved pooch as "just a dog".

He couldnt respond but got my point.  He actually calls his dog his son.

When he is triggered I hear the emotionally stunted child and the punitive parent.  It breaks my heart.

My eyes are wide open.

I have just been to school assembly where my 9yo son spoke clearly and proudly.  My 17yo son had parent teacher interviews yesterday and my heart bursts with pride at the relationship he enjoys with his teachers.   

I have a lot to be thankful for and I will not jeopardise their psychological and emotional wellbeing.

My 17yo son is mature beyond his years and we have a great relationship of honesty and trust.

I give him choices and foster independent thinking but he knows I am always here for him.

Fortunately he has a great RS with his father who lives interstate and we all get on amicably.

I did get lost for a while but am back now.

I will always treasure the magical first year of my BPD relationship.

I read a great post from 2010 about idealisation to devaluation lastnight and many of the observations are resonating with me.  I am considering rephrasing it and sharing it with my partner/friend.

We were friends first and I believe we always will be friends.  We have wonderful discussions about various topics in life.

Anyway, how are you travelling along now?

Peaceful vibes

Optimism

You seem to have a clear idea of what you are facing and where you are at.

This is good, now you can focus on healing any residual bitterness and resentment

You are probably ready for the Leaving Board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0) now

In my mind  I feel like I am almost gone

I have set boundaries for myself

I am speaking my mind

He doesnt like it

He has been very cold since I raised the issue he may be living with BPD

Denial but some admission he possesses some of the qualities of some of the traits

In the last two weeks it has been like a cold war

No flare ups but no warm engagement

Just a kind of clinical respect

I know he is gambling feverishly and this has galvanised my determination to stop doing for him

I am seeing my psychologist

I have written an adaptation of the post by 2010 about the lonely child and the abandoned chukd, basically the dance if BOD

I oersonalised it and removed all references to BPD, referring to our emotional troubles instead

Big focus on me being damaged from my own traumatic childhood which I had been repressing

I have it ready to send but was waiting until we went on a night away to a concert which is today

He flared up last night, says my new way of speaking is unacceptabe ie. me asserting my need to be heard

He cancelled the trip

I received texts thru the night hinting he is "checking out"

He says I should qualify as a psychologist as my observations were actually right but that I should be more gentle with patients in future

Has he or hasnt he checked out

I can not check

I just need to see what the day brings

I am sure it is a bluff

But not 100 percent

If i go to his place and he is "okay" where to from there

If I dont go to his place and the worst has happened what do I do

How will I know

Nobody else will know

I am his whole world

This is so hard

My psychologust says he has endured far worse than this

But I dont know

As a doctor he will be mortified with the realisation he has BPD

This is what concerns me

Even though I have gently told him of high functioning people wBPD and that there are coping strategies

I just have to wait and see

I feel like I started this so I have to see it through

Stay strong!  You're right to get away from all of this.

Yes, professionals are very reluctant to admit that they have this disorder.

My sister, a T, has said that therapists are often misled by professionals because the fact that they've had long-term employment and/or have gone thru many years of grad/post grad school, can be misleading because typically BPDs have spotting work and relationship histories. 

She's told me that the reason that there's been a delay in Dx for my H is that he has a 28 year marriage and 28 years employment with the same company.  Those things aren't usually found amongst pwBPD, so Dx is either overlooked or an incomplete Dx is given (depression, mood disorder, etc).    Plus, when he speaks to T's, he portrays himself as a

"go with the flow" person, who's the nicest person in the world, who prefers letting his wife "run the show."  So, that usually misleads T's into a wrong Dx.   He has never told his T's that he had a serious breakdown in college, that he was expelled and suspended from several schools as a child, and that he abuses Rx meds.  He also lies and says that he's only had a drinking problem for 4 years.  My adult children and I have evidence that he's been an alcoholic for at least 10 years... . and likely longer than that, but we only have hard evidence up to that point. 

His current T thinks he's a victim who is an alcoholic because of me! lol  (His T went to a crummy college that is known in the area to "sell degrees"... . as opposed to my sis who went to Top 10 univ for her degrees.).  Of course, since his T has no idea about this prior history, she thinks all of his "problems" are new. 

Anyway... . I, too, am sick of the denial. 

In your case, it's unlikely that this doctor is ever going to admit having this because he'd be afraid of how it would hurt him professionally.  You need to run, not walk, away from him. 

Good luck!  {{{  hugs  }}}

Fear, obligation, guilt (FOG)

Nobody is anyone else's whole world. Do you feel you are his parent and he is a 3 year old? Did he ask you to be that for him? Is this healthy for either of you? Is he responsible for his own emotional well being or you?

Thank you for your perspective, sad wife

How frustrating for you that your husband has his therapist fooled but that you and your sister can see the truth.

Yes, professionals are very good at tricking others and themselves sadly

We ended up going away to theconcert

My older son, who my H believes to be an honest young man, spoke to my H's T for an hour last year.  When my son arrived, he was ready with a list that he wanted to share with H's T to get thru to her how crazy my H can be.  My son told me that she literally had her mouth hanging open thru much of the hour.  At one point she admitted that sometimes clients lie to their Ts.  So, after that, we had high hopes that she would no longer be fooled by him.  It's been over a year since this happened, and she still thinks he's a huge victim. 

It sounds like the T is well under his spell.

She is not helping.  Just feeding the victimisation mindset in your H

How do you function day to day

I got interrupted last night as my BPDSO is really melting down

Its so awful

He has admitted he has BPD and is now going really crazy

His tax bill is looming and none of us will give him any more money as I have told his family of the massive losses and my suspicion that he has an impulse control disorder that when it is triggered he exhibits crazy behaviour

They have finally realised he is not well and have shared insights about his troubled behaviour  from an early age like shoplifting and lying

He is now self destructing for two overlapping reasons. The pathological gambling which has stolen 1.6 million from him and the realisation hehas BOD

Its just awful

He is spinning out of control

Despite me getting legal advice about dealing with the tax office he is hell bent on getting the money any way he can

Would rather die than face more authorities

As he has been under scrutiny for 10 years for an error of judgement

His family have now told him they havebeen toldby me that he is a "lunatic" and that they thereforecant give him any more money

They had fooled themselves into thinking he just had a huge ego that got himself into trouble but the mother knows it is true and is heartbroken and feels it is her fault

Oth you say I am not his whole world but I am theonly person in the world who knows the extent of his troubles the last 3  years. 

He has one friend who is now wary of his requests for money and his mother is the only family member who communicates with him

He is alone

Now that he has accepted the "diagnosis" what can I expect?

Any help please?

Its so difficult because our town is VERY small and I cant just ignore him and our associates

I am sure his family still cares about him. It sounds like they are willing to let him suffer the consequences of his decisions. How else does a person learn? If they don't have to suffer the consequences of their decisions what stops them from making worse and worse decisions? I think the best thing to do is to let him suffer through this. This mess is his making. He has a personality disorder. It doesn't give him a free pass. There are plenty of people who have fought through far worse. Sometimes people change when they hit rock bottom also. It might not be a bad idea to give him that opportunity. It is his life. Let him own it.

Ask him to enter treatment if he feels he has BPD. As far as the rest why put yourself into the middle of that. I would take the same track as the family. Let him deal with it.

Any help please?

I am puzzled.  Are you seeking advice for him?  If yes, then I would ask that he should declare bankruptcy (Chapter 13, not 7--the one that allows you to restructure the loans).

He should negotiate with the IRS about installment payments.

He should fight/face the malpractice issues with the help of a good attorney.

He should use a therapist for emotional support.  He is allowed to use family and friends to create good memories and share good times.  This is an emotional balm for all the other troubles facing him.

He should enter a treatment program that is specifically tailored for BPD sufferers. 

This is my advice FOR him.

My advice for you is:  Have a therapist for emotional support.

Be a mother to your child and not to any other adult.

Save your emotional energy for your child and yourself... .   this is the most fundamental unit.

Watch your money.  Watch your emotional and physical boundaries and resources.   Energy and money and time are not limitless... .   compassion is... .   empathy is... .   even love is.

Watch out for your health.

:-)

Optimism --


He has hit rock bottom.  As difficult as it is to watch it happen, it might turn out for the best.  It is happening regardless.  As P posted, he needs the professional help from a lawyer and a psychiatrist/psychologist.  If he would seriously rather die than face authorities and is making suicidal references, he needs to be hospitalized.

There is nothing you can do but encourage him to get help.  You need to take care of yourself and your son.  You can't let this affect your life any more than it has.

Daze

Thank you Oth, palla and daze

You are all so right.

I turned off the phones last night and have spent time with my family and friends.

I spoke to my T today and she discouraged me from communicating with his family especially as they are a part of his ongoing troubles

I am hoping he will hit rock bottom

I am doing nothing

He is long overdue for this

He has been bailed too many times by his family

He is truly on his own now

I have accepted that he may "check out" but I will not feel responsible

I am sure he will at least keep working to repay me the 200,000 outstanding

He hasnt missed a weekly payment of 2500 and the agreement is legally binding

Thank you palla for your logical advice about the various roles of people who can help if he chooses that

You are so right that family and friends are the ones who good times are shared with, it is not their job to rescue adults hellbent on making bad choices

Oth, i hear you about the family, at least the mother anyway, are still caring for him but no longer being prepared to bail him out

I did in fact warn them 5months ago about the extent of his gambling debt and how I had paid his tax debt last year.  I wanted to protect them from any more loss.


I am taking my boys on a family outing to the next town tomorrow with my brother and his family and my parents.

It will be the first time we have all been together in 3 years

We are going bowling. It will be fun

Thanks again for your wise words

Im feeling grounded and strong and more available for my kids

Sounds like a smart plan. It feels bad to pull away from somebody you love who has made a mess of their life but it also gives them a chance to grow. Your energy and time are valuable. It sounds like it can be focused where it really can make a positive difference and should help with your emotions from pulling back at this time. Hope things work out for the best. 

We had a fun family day.

Feeling a healthy tiredness now

Palla, i put things simply for him as you did for me regarding the different roles people can play in his recovery if he so chooses.

Stressing the bit about family and friends being available for emotional support but not an endless source of rescue funds

I have also emphasized to him that I am not his sole friend and supporter

That there are people he can safely reach out to like a psychologist colleague who actually seeks his counsel on private matters

He has choices

I am not his responsibility

I grow stronger each day and remain respectful and supportive in any interactions we share

But i am not giving away myself and my position

Old habits are hard to break but can be liberating

Its a massive burden feeling responsible for everyone

I am seeing the value in being healthily selfish and allowing others to take the steering wheel

I have been good at seeing this in other people but it is always harder in oneself

I am being kinder to myself

So, it is Saturday and I am halfway to a holiday with my son and his mate.

I get a call 20 minutes after leaving town.

Major ranting. He had just found my email of last week explaining why I could not hand back the 100,000 he has repaid me in the last year.

He simply can't fathom why I wont hand over "his" money so he can "gamble responsibly" to makeup the money he owes the tax office!

I let him rant, didnt interject, reiterated I could offer support in the way of love, company, friendship but not money.

He says he cant go on unless I give him money.

That I have ruined his previous "support" network.   i.e.   family suckers who keep rescuing him by giving him money

I calmly stated that if he had sought gambling help last year when I asked him to he would not be in the same old disastrous situation as he is now.

He ranted about my psycho babble.  Says talking cant possibly fix his problems.  Only money can. My money. 

I was standing on the side of a highway and said that there was obviously nothing more I could say or do and so I had to go.

I have turned off my phone.

I hate the way BPD makes them feel compelled to try to ruin every special occasion and holiday.

But I am not allowing it.

I will keep my phone off.

The denial continues

Whatever he chooses to do is his choice.  Not my responsibility.

Do I let his estranged family know of his latest threat?

Great, that you could stand your ground!  |iiii

Great, that you could calmly go over his ranting without interjecting. 

Well done.

Looks like he is really in denial about his situation ("his money"!)

About your last question: From my point of view I would not contact his family. Stay detached, go for the holiday with your son and enjoy it!

Thank you Surnia.

I have my phone switched off.

The campground is fantastic.

Just cooked the snags on the barbie.

The biys have been gomkarting around the camp.

All good.   I feel proud of myself.

 |iiii

Having a peaceful holiday by the river and sea.  My 9yo son and his best friend are just gorgeous.  We are going to an Indian curry night at the camp then watching Dr Who!

My partner raged all night but I was oblivious with fone turned off and watching Downton Abbey dvd.

Today got message he is all right

Do they have any recallof their rage?

Just turned my fone on for a few minutes.  He is texting me that  he is smashing walls, mirrors and lamps in the beautiful homestead.

Yet another desperate attempt to engage me knowing how much I adore the old homestead.

At the end of the day it is HIS mortgage, HIS damage.

I rang a trusted friend who told me to let him go and enjoy my holiday.

Fone switched back off

Off to the curry nite... .


Feels ruthless and scary but I know  this is the right thing to do

Its the not knowing if and when he is ever going to bottom out and seek help that drives me so crazy.  And all the physical destruction of property.

The absolute tragedy and waste of this  insidious disease

Whats so hard for me is we live  in such a small town (pop 9000) and are very well known.  He treats all my family and friends and is worshipped like a God in our town.

I am doing the right thing keeping my fone off, goung to the curry nite and watching tv with the boys

This is really hard stuff. 


Yes, this is hard to bear. Some of our SO have really touch bottom very hard. You cannot help him here. His illness is much stronger.

Thank you surnia

The beef madras curry was delicious, and hooray, I don't have any dishes to do!

I am not even feeling guilty for enjoying my holiday

Just relief to be away and free to think for myself and my family and enjoy the little lovely moments life offers us

My parents came to visit and I have told my mum some of what is happening.

I havent used the term BPD just described the disorder.

She actually said she thinks that is also what my father has!

I didnt describe the physical destruction, just that he is ranting and needs to bottom out.

Its scary that I have unconsciously chosen the same kind of mate that my own mother has

But my father didn't rage and self destruct in spectacular fashion like the mate I have chosen

I am hoping he will bottom out and seek help while I am on holiday

Thats the eternal optimist, or "fool" in me... .  

Okay, off to lounge on the couch with the kids and play board games

Do y'all live together?  If not it will be a lot easier to end it.  Otherwise Idk.  I would end it though.  I am right there with you and I too have had enough.

Hey aggie

Fortunately we have never lived together.  I own my own home and he has a whopping mortgage on his.

Yes, it makes it easier to leave.

I wish you strength on your own journey to safety and sanity

OandL

I had ti turn my fone on to talk to my 17yowho is away playing soccer.  There are dozens of texts and missed calls of rage.

Terrifying.the last one threatening to harm himself and the dog

I have told him to ring lifeline

Amongst the begging me to ring are many many insults.

Its pure primal rage because no one is giving him any more money

This has never happened before

He has always been rescued.

Myself and his father are now the enemy

We were previously the rescuers

He says there are gaping holes in all the walls of his beautiful home

Its just so awful

I feel sick

I have never known anything like this

Its terrifying

Its like his brain is exploding or its a furious ego

The ego is massive.  The hugest I have ever encountered, fed by his European father

His  father was a General, their homeland was stolen from them, they endured years if war.  Emigrated as refugees

I have no idea what horror he must have seen or heard or experienced

Its so awful

Its his very terrifying kind of extinction burst, due to the fact he has no more money.

There is no excuse for such behavior, whatever he had to go through in the past.

Yes, it is sick making! I would be feel awful too. 

optimismandlove, I am sorry to hear this.

Raging feels like it directed towards you and I know it hurts. Raging is cathartic - once over the experience be feels relief and vindication. This of course does not stop you feeling like you are to blame. Its really not your fault.

Whilst in this dysregulated state its best you steer clear and don't react or respond. We can make it worse if we do - so its in your interest to step away.

We can never know what the triggers are and to be honest it may not even be about the money - we don't know.

Can I ask how you approached this latest rage?

My Dear:  You have been in my thoughts.  I woke up thinking that I have misdirected you.

I got lost in the trees and did not look at the entire forest.

With this broader perspective in mind:

I wish to state that the primary problem/emotion I sense in your posts is anxiety... .   and Extreme Anxiety.  Before you can handle the issues, you must take active steps to lower your anxiety levels.  Whether the anxiety is due to your SO's problems, your reaction to his problems, or your interpersonal relationship... .   before any of practical issues or emotional issues can be handled, you have to have this defused.

I think clarity will begin to emerge.  And with clarity, solutions will begin to emerge and with solutions, your direction of life will begin to emerge.

This can only begin to happen when you have this pervasive sense of doom and fear and disaster under control.  There is a lot of wasted time and energy and emotion in fighting in total darkness.  The cloud of anxiety will not allow you to sort things out.

So, continue to go to the counselor.  Address your current emotional state.  Ask to be checked if your anxiety is hampering you from resolving key issues on your plate.  Go on meds if the counselor believes that you should... .  

Hope this helps.

Thank you surnia, clear, and palla

Thank you for hearing my pain at this scary time.

I am still away on holiday, haveanother 3 nights, maybe more.

It is the not knowing how its all going to end that plagues me.

I know I need to just let it unfold and that is what Im doing.

As regards my health, I am on an antidep for anxiety and have Xanax to use in emergency situations.   I took a tiny amount last night so I could block my thoughts and sleep.

I am functioning but exhausted.   That is why I have taken myself away to this lovely camp resort where I can relax and the kids are happily occupied.

Clearmind, as to how I approached the rage if you read back you will see it started with a phone call 20 minutes into my holiday.  I pulled off the highway and let him rant without interjecting.   Eventually I said it was too dangerous for me standing on the side of the highway and that I had to go.  I turned the phone off for several hours.

I turn the fone on intermittently to read the rants and any messages from my son.

The only response I have made is a text to say that help is always available if he wants it.

He has labelled me a narcissistic deontologist.  I havent googled it yet.

The pervading sense of doom is lifting slightly as I untie the rope

"untie the rope"... .  

The rope?

Gordonian knot it is and a big huzzah to your courage and determination.

Do save his texts and messages of rage and threats of self-harm.  Then do not hesitate to call the police and ask them to do a well check.  They will swing by his home and check on him to make sure that he is fine.  Everytime he threatens to self-harm or harm the dog or leaves dysregulated messages, save these messages.  Go to the police station, or call them and play for them and tell them that you suggest a well-check.

As you are not a trained clinician, nor a trained emergency worker, nor a trained first responder... .   you simply won't know when he is bluffing, when he is not and nor are you emotionally distanced from him to assess what the most appropriate emergency response should be.  Hence, best is to alert the authorities who have both knowledge and experience to deal with such situations.

This is not abandonment.  Rather, this is the ultimate in compassion and love... .   to understand what your limitations are and to direct him to the right professionals and to direct the right professionals on to him.

Glad to know that you already are aware of the anxiety issues and are addressing them.

:-)

Thanks palla

Sadly I can not talk to our local police as one of the officers has made a false allegation about him which is currently being investigated by the Medical Board. 

This ongoing persecution is part of why he is selfdestructing.  I have posted more about his ongoing legal troubles on my other post.

You will sadly see that he is being punished Over and over again in vigilante fashion by elements of society and the police for an issue which he has already been charged with and served years of punishment for.  Every step he takes is monitored by the medical board and the police.

He only has 3 months of this torturous monitoring remaining after 10 hellish years but this latest false allegation of oversupplying narcotics by an overzealous policeofficer in our small town has pushed him off the cliff.

As you can see, BPD is only one component of the mess he is in.

He is an exceptional, gifted doctor who has the biggest patient list in town and patients travel 100s of kms to see him.

But there are enemies who want to take him down, want to see him stop practising as a doctor.

I would like to see him make the choice to stop practising for a year, take control himself, go bankrupt, clear his debts, move away, start living life

Can you see my anguish

I am curious:  What made you conclude that the allegations are false and that the officer and the medical board is being hyper vigilant?

Given his personality, the rigorous monitoring by authorities may be the only thing that is preventing him from repeating his previous transgression.  Or, given his mental disorder, such monitoring is the only thing that is preventing him from repeating the previous transgression to the same degree as before.

Is there a slight possibility that the current allegations may have actual grounds?

He may be a good doctor only because of such rigorous oversight.

I am just wondering if you have entertained this possibility at all.  :)enial can be quite a tough barrier to break... .   on your part too.

I cant say any more other than it was not malpractice.

Nobody was ever hurt.