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My Ex had just returned from a trip with his current girlfriend to Vegas. He "mirrored" our previous vacatons there. same hotel, same places, same things, same romantic gestures... .  I was totally devastated. I stayed NC even changing my schedule at work to avoid him. we broke up 2 months ago. He bought the tickets for them the day after we broke up. I was 3 weeks into NC when I get a text. He was very nice and asked if i needed anything he heard I was sick. I replied no. Next day I get a text that tells me about a class at work. I say thanks. Then as expected more texts... more days... it eventually goes to he misses me and my kids ect. He wants to see me. I say I can't. I get an opportunity as well to go to Vegas with a male friend of mine. They had been friends as well but no longer are. He had a conference and asked if id like to get away for a bit. Anyway I go. I was scared because that place holds a lot of memories for me as we would travel there together several times a year. So I go! I walk the whole strip by myself I think Hey I can do this with out falling apart! YAY ME! He continues to text asking to be friends but I decline all of his invites and pleas to see my kids.

Ok- I wake up to a text that says... basically he heard about my trip to Vegas and no longer wishes to hear from me ever again.He cant believe he was thinking he could try to work things out with me. later that night I get a bunch of texts saying I have hurt him so deeply going to vegas with his old friend and how could I do this to him. He never thought I could be so mean... .  um ok! I do point out that he had just gone on a trip with his GIRLFRIEND the week before. He ignores that and continues to say I am such a mean person and if I was trying to hurt him I won. How could I be with this guy. Why would I do such a thing... I didn't really respond other then to say It was not about hurting him so much as me needing to heal. Eventually he accepted this explanation. Then back to I miss you and I am so sorry for being upset and acting like a jerk. Then gives me this sweet gn text. now nothing for 2 days

Ok some help here... .  I get the whole NC thing because I just got sucked in and some how I am now explaining MY actions while he never even acknowledges his and that his situation was soo much more then mine.

I have also realized that I have now been conditioned back into hearing from him.

I feel like I am all over the place emotionally. What is the deal with him being jealous of me? And I was wondering if having these kind of interactions is part of the "charge" I worry I will never find in a normal relationships that keeps me letting him contact me. 

 

If you really understand the NC thing and are now experiencing the emotional wrath from your latest contact, then make the next effort at NC more successfull.

Send him a polite text stating you do not want to be contacted again under any circumstance and if he does you will file a restraining order. And then if he does... .  file it.

If you want to stop dancing you got to sit down.

the tough part of going NC for honeysuckle is that she works with her ex, so she sees him periodically.

i would also be curious as to how one should manage in such a situation

I'm in the same boat.  We work for the same company but luckily we don't work together.  I see her all the time.  It's really hard to heal when you have a constant reminder.

so how do you cope recoil? do you have any suggestions or insights?

Cope? 

I am terrible at it.  It takes all my will power to avoid contact.  I really don't know how I've been doing it.  For me, I just don't want to give away my "power". 

I keep to myself, only confide with a couple of close friends, and stay away from her office/area.  I hold my head up high and just push through, day by day.

She has played some games on me and I haven't responded.  Looks like things escalated a bit recently but today was all clear (may not have been at the office; don't know -- trying not to care).

I am in therapy.  That helps.

I read a lot.  Here and various books on self worth and CBT. 

Luckily for me, she won't own any responsibility.  Instead, she has been trying to manipulate me into talking to her.  That's never going to happen.  If my ex was adult enough to have a conversation with me instead of games, I'd probably take her back, if she agreed to counseling.  No counseling, no relationship.  No deviating from that, ever.

But I doubt we'll ever have that adult conversation.  And it's probably for the best.

Honeysuckle you are doing great.


You realise how impossible it is to navigate the road ahead, so you're hanging up your driving gloves.  :)  My take is that your ex wants you to be available when he chooses. You doing you own thing is seen as abandonment. We get conditioned to the madness and allow behavior we shouldn't.

I had a similar experience where I heard my ex verbatim repeat to my replacement a whole script. It was bizarre. That is what he is doing with Vegas. He knows how to get a good story started, repeat, repeat, but he keeps expecting a different ending.

You know he is no good for you, all he had to do was treat you in a similar way you treated him, but BPDs are never satisfied. They always need more. Unfortunately 'more' is always shifting.

What happens in Vegas... .  

                                      Doesn't stay in Vegas.

His texts are emotionally chaotic.  They show a double standard in his perceptions of what you did and what he did.  This type of situation can be really maddening.  It's very hard to "talk" reason with a person who's at this place emotionally because it usually has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them.  How they feel, how they react, what they expect and what they want.

The escalation of texts as he gets more desperate for a response from you is an extinction burst.  Like you mentioned your responses have changed they are less emotional and engaged.  The burst is going to happen, it's important to not reinforce the new level of extremes he needs to go to get your attention by getting into any circular arguments or rewarding this.  Detaching slowly like you were doing and staying the same course as you withdraw by being consistent can help.

Nasty cycle though and hard to handle.

How are you doing today?

I am ok today. Thank you for asking!

Green Mango-What is an extinction burst? I've never heard of that. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Here it is.