BPDFamily.com

Hi- its been a while since ive frequented this board- my BPD mum died in Ooctober so i didnt come on this board again. but now i feel i would like to use it again but this time with a fresh approach-

my mum passed in october at the age of 70 from cancer- we were on good terms.

im posting this thread to ask for help- i am in narcotics anonymous for addiction- i am down to two tablets a day- but struggling... .  i find NA just heightens and amplifies my problems sometijmes- ive been there for three months and have never shared... .  i am unable to talk infront of people

i also am suffering from paranoia- which is getting worse now i am nearly clean and cant surpress stuff with pescription drugs any more. i constantly berate myself for not being perfect- i double check everything i say and then find fault with what ive said... .  i look for approval in everyone and i am chronically insecure.

i think i may have to stop going to NA... .  everything is based around the steps... .  and for me- its just introduced a confusion as it centres around addiction... .  my fellow addicts cant comprehend how i feel half the time- all of them are able to share... .  and dont have the sense of paranoia and chronic insecurity i feel.

i cant tell what i withdrawal symptoms or just the after effects of many years of verbal abuse and negative brainwashing- where i am always not good enough and there is always a fault.

to cap it all- i also find myself aware of personality traits my mum had- which is saying tactless things- rambling throughb insecurity and coming out with nonsense

i try really hard to double check what i say- but even then i still fihnd myself coming out with strange stuff-

im quite confused at the moment and feel a need to step away from NA... .  i dont feel its the right place for me at all and feel that i have two issues combined- addiction but the underlying one of abuse.

are there any tips on how i can move forward? how can i stop people pleasing- getting paranoid and how can i gain more control over what i say to people?

many thanks for listening---ive tried not to be a self absorbed narc.

this is a typical example... .  

after i wrote that thread i looked at the computer and had yet another moment of self loathing- "why am i spending my time writing such sad and pathetic thigns on forums"

all the time i have this devil versus angel on my shoulders.

ive not had a relationship for the past 17 years... .  have never been able to have them and i would like to have one. but i have to come to terms with myself and get sojme peace first.

so my big question is... .  after a childhood of abuse... .  how does one like oneself? and how do you banish the constant self loathing... .  self berating and self bashing that goes on a constant basis?

i would love to know if any of you have moved on and how you managed to do this whilst living a clean and sober life

many thanks and lots of warm wishes and peace to you all

Hi kk, sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom last year too and it left an empty spot that I know no one else can ever fill.

I know what you mean about the feelings you get "writing sad and pathetic things on forums," sometimes I think too how sad it is that I am spending so much time on here as well. But you know it helps. It helps to write something down about how you are feeling and if just one person comments you feel as though someone has heard you. It's a way of journaling for me and a way to see what other people are feeling who share similar experiences. Often I find good ideas or helpful comments about how to deal with some of the issues I'm having.

How do you move on? I think that question has two parts, the first is that you do, time moves on we have no choice but to go with it. The second part is in our hands, that is what direction we move along to. Getting into NA and gaining control of your addiction gives your direction a far greater chance of getting you to a place you'll want to be. For me that place is where I'll be comfortable with myself, I won't feel the need to defend how I feel, I'll be more aware of who is safe in my life and who is not, I'll be able to give love without compromising my needs and be able to receive love without feeling unworthy. I'm working on those things, like you. All I can say is it doesn't come easy. It is a lot of hard work, uncomfortable acknowledgements and buckets of tears. And as helpful as this site is, posting anonymously on a board is really just practise for being out in the world and relating to real people.

This checking on things, and monitoring is closely related mechanically to the practice of mindfulness. You might be outgrowing NA. You can take these intense feelings and shape them to fix the steps of mindfulness practice. Your brain is coming on line and wanting to pay attention to something, well mindfulness as a practice has these cognitive requirements.

You may be following my thread. I have terrible paranoia. brain wants to focus on something, so I am always trying to place that over active energy into paying attention to every level of my processes. And pay attention to the true cause and effective workings of the environment. Maybe your brain is wanting to do that. That is the structure of mindfulenss pratice. What do you think?

A lot of us have these nasty voices... .  

What about each time send a follow up like this:

Okay, this was nasty. Now I try it again the gentle validating way: He, kittykat, I am really proud of you. This was very brave writhing this down and sharing it with other poeple here. Really great. A   for you.

Each time you hear the nasty devil voice, you rewrite it in supporting / validating language! I do the same, and it got better. I am less nasty, critical with myself.