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I swear, I feel like we are often in lose-lose situations with BPD mom.  Here is the latest:

Next Friday we had planned a day trip to Sea World with DSD as it is our weekend, and we get her for the three day weekend.  I work on Saturday so it is the only day we could really do it.  We told DSD and my girls we were going.

Tonight DSD had a birthday party at our house.  One of the gifts was a night on the town next Friday at a movie premier--the mom had cleared it with BPD mom, and instead of BPD mom admitting it was not her weekend, she said that DSD could go to the movie premier. 

DSD is clearly torn and realizes her mom should not have ok'd anything on our weekend, but BPD mom wants control so she does what she wants.

We can try to call the mom who has invited DSD and see if we can reschedule for Saturday night.  BUT I am sure if we do, BPD mom will be really ticked off because we are making her look bad.  Hopefully we can do this without too much trouble, but I suspect she already bought tickets to the movie.

We can cancel the trip, but that rips my girls off of a fun day.  AND DSD really wanted to go as well--she was really excited about the trip because she didn't get to go last year and her brothers did (another lose-lose story care of BPD mom).

Thanks, BPD mom.

Any other ideas I haven't though of?

I think your idea of contacting the other mom and seeing about rescheduling is your best bet. Just keep it low-key:

"Oh, there was a mixup about DSD's schedule, and unfortunately there's a conflict on Friday. Could we switch the movie outing to Saturday?"

I second vre's take.  Low key is always best.

If the mom can't reschedule,I'd leave it up to DSD as to what to do,without placing any guilt on her either way.

This way,she's making her own choice as to which event she can attend.That disarms BPDmom,takes you out of the loop,and teaches DSD that she sometimes has to make difficult choices in life,but in the end,she has a choice.

If she decides to go to the movie,you and the others go to Sea World without her.If she decides to go to Sea World,I'm sure the mom will understand.

Turn it into a win-win.

This is great advice.  |iiii

Yeah, I agree - all good ideas.

I'd probably start by calling the other mom and just letting her know the situation - without commenting on Mom's behavior but also not covering anything up - "I guess Mom told you it would work out but it creates a problem for SD and us - could we swap the days and you can do the movie thing on Saturday?".

Out of respect for that other mom - so you don't make your problem into hers - if necessary I would delay the Sea World trip til another time, and just explain it to SD - it's the kind of thing she will be dealing with for many years probably.

Or as Marble and DG suggest, lay it all out and consult with SD.  Sometimes my kids (14 and 16) won't make decisions like that - they'll put it back on me - "I don't know, you're the dad, you do whatever is right!" - and then I accept that and make the call.  But consulting with SD seems very reasonable and maybe helpful to her - let her think it through and see what she thinks is best... .

Fortunately, DSD was able to reschedule--in fact, she did so without us asking her to, probably because she wanted to cover for BPD mom.  Changing the Sea World trip would have upset three more kiddos who had already been promised that we would be going so I didn't see that as an option.

Cool.

Of course it's not "fair" that we have to figure out these situations that could be prevented if all the adults involved would just think and communicate better.

But it goes with the territory... .