BPDFamily.com

to make long story short.  my mom came to my house to help taking care of my first daughter for almost a year.  much to my mom's reluctance to come because my dad had a stroke and needed to be visited at his rehabilitation center on almost daily basis.  My wife was stressing out about no one could help taking care of my daughter while she is very career minded.  so I stepped up, getting to work later and leaving early later at daycare after my mom returned to her home.  strange thing is that my wife not only did not appreciated my mom tried to help, she actually started to pick on small things about my mom and shutting her out to the point that is just psychotic.  My mom is 80 years old, has a little shake on her hand and crippled, but she always helped with diaper changes and take the garbage out and wash dishes, which I told her not to... .  instead of being appreciative ... my wife made fun of her shakes and cripple... claiming it is all a show to gain sympathy.  My mom is from another country and I also came from there when I was 12, so I have a pretty deep emotional tie to my former country.  My mom tries to respect her by not bringing culture into our house, and my wife has repeatedly made really grotesque comments about how my mother is a racist just because she can not speak English and my mom should go back where she is from... repeatedly and even now in front of my 5 year old.  Most recently, we had another daughter, my mother is afraid to ask to come to see her because my wife has flared up in front of her, and she is a bit afraid of my wife and did not want to cause any trouble.  But she finally asked and so I casually asked my wife to see when is a good weekend for my mom to see her new grand daughter (meanwhile, my wife's mom already visited my newborn daughter many times).  She didn't say much.  For the past few weeks, i have been making breakfast and bringing it up to her.  I went up this morning and heard her talking either talking to herself or to someone ... about how my mom should just go back to where she came from and interact with non-English speakers only ... it is short of chanting kind of speed... .  I heard it and I stepped back and went back down stairs pretend nothing happened.  It sounded more like she was talking to herself.  It is kind of disturbing... .  not sure how to make it out of it.  Does a BPD / NPD does this kind of weird stuff?  I have known her for 14 years and yet ... .  I feel like I don't know her at all.  If I knew she is this vicious to any one ... let along my mother, I would never like anyone like that.  I mean it is just such a horrible trait... .  it is seemingly irrational.  But again, BPD is not a rational problem... .  any input to this appreciated. 

From what I have experienced BPD takes on all kinds of weird problems. What I noticed with my BPDbf is he is not so excepting of other peoples family members. When I was living with him, he was always good about letting my kids visit or stay for a weekend, however, while they were there he made no attempt to converse with them. He would make little remarks about them like how they look like their dad or when my son came over he thought it was weird how friendly he was. My son is very socialable and easy to get along with. It bothered me very much and it got to the point where they did not feel welcome. Is your wife diagnosed with BPD? Does she show any other traits? If not, maybe she is just not comfortable having other people in her home, but to be so critical is unexcusable. Some people just have a problem with inlaws period.

I've struggled with this issue, and can sympathise with your situation. My parents helped out a lot when the kids were smaller, and they would have helped even more had my wife let them. My wife has a rather selective memory, so now she can say things like  "when the kids were small we didn't get any help with them" which is simply untrue - but she seems to really believe that now.

One thing that I really had a problem with was that we could spend some time with my parents, seemingly having a good time. Afterwards when we came home, my wife would start complaining about something my mother had said or done. I eventually managed to set up a boundary on that kind of situation, and told her that if she has a problem with my mother she needs to adress my mother about it when it happens - I can't be the middle man afterwards. She then tells me that she doesn't dislike my mother at all etc etc. Hard to understand.

My parents sensed that something was wrong, so I eventually had to let them in on the situation (which was a relief), but they have not really been comfortable talking about it since. Have you tried talking to your moher about it?

Benny2, sorry for the delayed reply.  My wife has always been quiet and she would send mix messages while we were dating about seeing my family.  I thought she didn't mind it and I only found out that she really hate to see them (all of them) when she went as far as making things up to get me arrested just because I asked when can we spend a holiday with my mom and sister's family and this just happened shortly after my dad passed.  I can not fathom what would go through someone's mind to behave the way my wife have been behaving.  I don't think I would do half of things that she did even for my enemy.  I notice that she has this tendency of "parental alienation" ... . for example, if I let my kids watch TV for a little bit, she would exaggerate and say that is all I do with them and meanwhile I am the one who takes them to parks and most play dates and etc.  I also work with my older daughter on readings and math.  Meanwhile, it would be ok for her to give them tons of TV ... . and she would argue what she does is appropriate.  This goes for candy, ice cream and etc.  Anything I do is inappropriate, so the only way for kids to get those stuff is to ask mom for it.  She has no intention of building a partnership.  I mean how do one builds a partnership with someone who you constantly attack and demean infront of kids?  Your ex bf sounds trouble to me ... . and probably would evolve into what I am experiencing later on for you.  Good that you got out... . otherwise too much drama to handle.

EmpathicGuy, Yeah... . my wife flared out infront of my mom and returned her gifts and etc... . so my sister saw it too.  She practices parental alienation frequently.  So watch out for that.  I am sorry that you are going through the similar thing that I am going through.  I wish you luck and let me know how things are ... feel free to IM me since we are going through similar situation.