BPDFamily.com

I don't know if my exBPDgf does this on purpose or if she's just trying to be nice. Ever since I told her that I was done seeing her on the side (she has a bf), she has started to chase me slightly. Or at least it seems that way. I told her I was done being her backup a few days ago. Now she random texts or facebook messages me. Its nothing about the relationship but she could be baiting me to see if she has power over me.

Like today she texted me about a funny commercial we saw together out of the blue. I responded back 10 minutes later agreeing and didn't say anything else. Its hard to move on because when I do, she chases me and then when I chase her she pushes me away.

Mine did/does the same thing.

We broke up in mid-2012 and an average of once a month she'd send me something that she knew I'd be interested in.  Never "I miss you" or anything like that.  I have gotten to where I don't respond anymore.  I see it has her trying to keep me on reserve.  No thanks.

I figured if she really loved me, wanted me, etc, she'd make it known somehow.  The fact that her texts have tapered off shows me I didn't really mean all that much to her.  It's a sad realization but true.

Besides, she's seeing another guy.  That alone should be enough for her to be dead to you.  I understand though.  The hooks are powerful and it's hard to remove them.

She constantly would mention that the new bf was going to propose very soon too. I think part of the reason she comes back is that I don't submit to her... . I'm so calloused by her antics that I come off aloof even though sometimes it still gets to me secretly. I feel like she wants me to turn into one of her many ex orbiters who are kind of pathetic. They just wait in line hoping that she chooses them again. I guess its that I've remained a challenge and have not chased after her much since the break up. If I wanted to lose her for good I'd probably have to act very beta but I have too much self respect for that. If she gets engaged on facebook I'll probably "like" it... I know its kind of malicious but whatever...

My ex has many groupies, including exes or guys she dated.  I'm not going to be one of them.  I have removed all means of contact.  It does "secretly still get to me" when she texts me.  The last time was about 7 weeks ago when she actually bothered to call and for some reason was concerned that something may be wrong with me.  (Um, yeah, my heart was crushed and I was left devastated but, other than that minor detail, nah, I'm doing fine.  She probably meant it in some other way excluding her from any responsibility.)  I told her I was fine (a few days later) and have not heard from her since.

If all of these pwBPD's orbiters found out about BPD... they might stop holding out hope.

It sounds like you want her back... . if you continue to answer her she will continue to keep you warm on-the-side.

You are right that I need to stop replying. I've made it known that I won't be her backup anymore. Ever since I kind of blew up and told her I was done being her 2nd string, I feel more free and honestly don't want her back. I know now that I don't ever want to be with her again. The spell is slowly being broken... . 4 months out of the break up and I'm starting to feel better. Day by day.

I changed my number so she couldn't text or call me anymore. It's done wonders for me.

It sounds like this is a lot of sideways conversations, or communicating by not communicating. 

Its okay to want to try and get on the same page here. It's okay to communicate clearly too.   But communicating by not communicating is really frustrating.  That's the dance.

Say what ya need to say if you need to say it-

-I'd like to talk with you.  I don't understand these texts when we have had problems. Is like to talk about that first.

-Id like a monogamous relationship its important to me.  I appreciate you might not feel the same.  We want different things and its affected my ability to be friends with you. 

It's okay to have needs, to share them and to communicate when they aren't getting met in a way to constructively address it.   

A good bet here is to take a look at the choosing a path - the undecided board lessons.  Really weigh out realistically if this person is what you want without the FOG looming over ya.