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I was doing a little spring clean and I came across an old picture of my ex and I, and I was amazed at how  beat down, tired, pale, I looked. The really ironic part is that this was before we ever broke up and started the recycling. This was for the most part the honeymoon stage, although I was having to deal with her raging, insane jealousy, circular argument... . etc. I guess you would call this a honeymoon. LOL

I was going to ask if anyone could relate to this but im sure just about on this website could relate.

I lost a lot of weight during the relationship and I was already skinny. It was partly due to the stress, also I was working long hours to keep 'us' happy. I'm in much better health now.

My physical changes were pretty strange. 

- May 2009 - I looked really good on my wedding day.  My wife looked incredible.

- June 2010 - Wife started putting on the pounds.  I slowly got thinner.

- September 2011 - I'm still thin, wife is becoming more and more intolerable, she is still heavy.

- March 2012 - Officially separate, wife becomes close to obese.  My parents comment that I look sickly.

- November 2012 - Officially divorced.  Wife drops a lot of weight.  I gain a little back by year end... . parents say I'm looking healthier.

- March 2013 - Ex-wife looks good again, I have dropped to a very unhealthy weight.  I go through an intense grieving process that renders me absolutely useless.  For the first time in my life, I am seeing veins running through my abs and hips.  A bod pod check at our local university has me at 7% body fat.  I am in trouble.

 

These relationships take a toll on us.  I look at pictures of me during the last phase of our "relationship" before he fled the crime scene... . and oh boy I looked old and haggard.  I was emotionally battered and it showed.  My friends also commented to me about looking "tired" and I really was.

Now I look and feel like myself again.  I've joined a really great exercise group with some friends at work and I feel better than I can remember feeling in a long time.  

Abuse hurts and the wounds of emotional abuse go way beneath the surface.  I see these pictures of me as visual evidence of his abuse, and while in pains me to look at them, it's a grim reminder of how far I've come now that he's out of my life.

tailspin

Yes, this is just one more example of how slanted and unfair it all seems.  During the two months after I found out about my exwBPD's affair and her moving out, I went out to dinner for a friend's graduation celebration and I took the exwBPD with me.  When I looked at the pictures taken during that evening, I looked like the "Walking Dead" and she looked beautiful as usual with a total care free smile.   

It blows me away that they can DO that but then that's just another piece to their incredibly twisted up minds.

There's a huge lesson on boundaries here.  HUGE.

Taking on someone's emotional stuff to point of physical suffering and ailment is real problem.  The other person is only half the issue in this - they are foisting stressful crap your way.  Accepting their stressful crap as your own is the other half.

Learn this instrumental lesson - it will help you in other relationships too. 

A relationship shouldn't turn into crash diet where you lose 40 lbs from stress in 6 months, or your hair starts falling out to the point you are buying strange shampoos - it's good to know when to tap out.  Limits.  Sometimes the word "no" is the healthiest.

Expos:

Sounds like you're getting pretty thin, are you currently seeing a therapist?

Ive been talking to one for the last 8 months and its helped a lot, I highly recommend it.

Green mango, these are very wise words. Like clearmind said in another thread, sensitivity and reactive compassion to another's  anguish is not the same as emotional maturity.

I have went back to seeing our old marriage counselor who we had a history with.  I'll be having my second appointment with her this week. 

I already work out a lot, but when I went into mourning and grief, I had lost my appetite - which basically made me very lean.  Food stopped tasting good... . and at 6-2, 149 lbs, I knew I needed help.   I usually weigh 158-163.   

Hiloguy, can you notice a difference in yourself since you started therapy and where you are now?  Did you relapse somewhere a long the way during therapy? 

I lost about 40 lbs while we dated... and have regained it since breaking up... was breaking out in hives from the stress at one point.

Health has been off a bit since the breakup, sick a lot, still coughing from flu/pnuemonia. Meanwhile my exBPDgf lost weight, improved her looks 100% and is working on guy 2 or 3 since me (its been 7 mos).

I have went back to seeing our old marriage counselor who we had a history with.  I'll be having my second appointment with her this week. 

I already work out a lot, but when I went into mourning and grief, I had lost my appetite - which basically made me very lean.  Food stopped tasting good... . and at 6-2, 149 lbs, I knew I needed help.   I usually weigh 158-163.   

Hiloguy, can you notice a difference in yourself since you started therapy and where you are now?  Did you relapse somewhere a long the way during therapy? 

Expos:

Having a counselor that you know and comfortable with is great also its good that she's familiar with your ex and your situation.

As far as where im at on grieving, Im at about 65% acceptance- 35% anger. Most days i feel pretty good but every now and then i just feel so mad at her for what she's done. For the most part i wake up feeling pretty good and i look forward to the day versus dreading another miserable day.

I have noticed a great deal of difference. I would say that the first few months it was slow going but the last two months have gotten so much better and I feel so much stronger and happier. 

I've had some relapses while in therapy and over the last year I've been recycled more times than I want to admit. Just remember therapy is a process and its normal to relapse but the main thing is to stay with it and before you know it you'll see an improvement.

I would like to send you some information that helped me but i cant do it until Saturday. (BTW im not trying to sell you anything nor am i trying convert you into some religion) Just suggestions that my T came up with along with some things that i came up with that seemed to help.