BPDFamily.com

I've learned a lot on these boards but there's one thing I haven't found yet.

How do you deal with the frustration of watching them be so cruel?  My BF's STBX with BPD says that she's got a "much better life" now and wants to move on, but her actions are the opposite. 

How do you deal with the frustration of wanting them to "get theirs" and seeing that it rarely happens and when it does, it doesn't come close to matching the level of cruelty that they have committed?

I may be able to share some insight that I find comforting.

Last fall, when BPDH went to alcohol rehab in another state (stayed with his brother at night and weekends), he filed for divorce and declared that he was never happier.  He'd be very cruel to me during phone calls, emails, etc. 

I was very hurt because here I was the one who had been the constant target of verbal abuse, and yet now he was singing that he was "so happy" to be away from "horrible" me.   He seemed to be having the time of his life... . new friends at rehab, his brother and wife cooking/cleaning for him, going to the gym a LOT, watchig a lot of TV, going out with new rehab friends, etc.  It was very insulting as I was left behind to "carry on" with home and family and pets, etc. 

Thankfully, I have a sister who is a LCSW therapist.  She was on the phone with me twice a day and was a lifesaver.  She assured me that H was terrified and not having the time of his life.  She told me that everytime he's throwing out a cruel zinger, he's only doing it because he's in great pain and he gets a moment of "relief" when he's insulting me.  But, then soon the "relief" is over and the cruelty has to repeat itself... . more insults, more ridiculous phone calls, etc.

I wanted to believe my sister, but I just couldn't.  He truly seemed to be having a blast.  His rehab was only from 9am-2pm for the first month, weekends off.  Then during the second month, he only had to go one day a week, so it did seem like he was having a vacation out there.  His rehab friends had BBQs, and Football nights, etc.  They'd go out to eat and to the movies, etc.

But, and this is a big but, when he came home in November and stopped the divorce, he confided that he was miserable there.  He felt that he lost EVERYTHING... . wife, kids, pets, home, everything.  And, that he wanted to be together... . and stay sober. 

so, my sister was right... . 100%.

Sadly, it was short-lived.  the drinking never stopped.  He has an idiot T in our home town, and he's moved out and filed for divorce again.  This time I'm totally fine with it.  I know he's not really happy (I know that probably sounds mean, but it's easier for me to deal with this knowing he's not having a great time.).

My kids are thrilled about the divorce (they didn't want the prevous one stopped) because they are so sick of his verbal and emotional attacks on me.  I'm trying to stay "no contact".  I don't call him ever.   My kids and I are so happy not to have a walking time bomb in our lives.

So, the point is... . your ex really isn't happy.  not at all. 

SadWifeofBPD,

Many people, including myself have a hard time with this. It is also very common that recovering and healing from a relationship with a person with BPD (w/NPD traits) is much harder than it is for a typical breakup.

Your sister is probably correct about him being miserable inside. BPDs are great at "looking good" and covering up what is really going on. They've spend their life doing it.

One thing that keeps many people, including myself, stuck and inable to move on, is wanting some kind of justice--or for the BPD to be exposed for what he is. It kinda happens, you'll see some things, but it never really does. Because, as I said above, BPDs/NPDs are great at looking good and only acting out when nobody is looking. Other people may think something is going on, but will not really know what happened because it would be too unreal, too incredible.

But you know! You experienced it. But it is so incredibly bizzare that is unfair to expect other people to grasp all of it. Even when they experience. It is so weird that what is happening is beyond comprehension. And it seems that it is so bizarre that we start to question
sanity. So we are looking for somebody to validate our experiences so that we don't think we are going crazy! But it is hard for people to fully comprehend what goes on in private with our BPD (even for many therapists). So, we don't usually get this validation from others to tell us that we are the sane ones and our BPDs are the insane.

The biggest key is moving on. But how? For that, we need to truly grieve and "end" our relationship, understand what happened, what our part in it was, and then move on. But it isn't easy. I suggest that you post this same question on this board: Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0). In addition to the help you will get from the board members, there are links on the right of this board to information about how to heal the emotional wounds we get from being in a relationship with a BPD.

Also, do you have a therapist just for you? If not, getting one make it easier for you to handle your issues.

Keep posting. That helps a lot.

AnotherPheonix   |iiii

Yeah, I get very frustrated every time my SO's uBPDx hurts their D8. I just can't comprehend how selfish a person can be that they wouldn't put their child first. Instead the child gets hurt because the pwBPD is hurt.   

What usually makes me feel better is looking up a TON of stuff about legal actions that SO can take to get custody. Then I imagine him putting a love bubble around D8 and protecting her.

I do the same thing with my SD4. I can't imagine a mom not wanting to care for and protect her kiddo, but that is what we deal with when the crazy is in our lives.

I think it takes years of work on yourself to get to that point. I am not there yet. Still want to see my uBPDexh "suffer" the consequences of his choices when from the outside it looks like he is having the time of his life. The rational side of me knows that's not true, evidenced by many things that have happened and his behavior. However, the emotional side wants to see him hurt because of the pain and hurt he has caused me and son, so it is frustrating.

I try to have faith that things will work out for me and I will be ok, regardless of what he has going on. I also believe in karma, and while it is easy to wish for karma to come around for him, I find for myself it is more beneficial to focus on karma for me - I've taken the higher road and have been nice, so I believe that will pay off for me.

My DH's BPD ex wife (also mom to my two SDs) seems to be able to get away with anything... . and she can be terribly cruel.  But she came by it honestly.  She was terribly abused as a child by her mother and her mom's boyfriends, abandoned by her father at age two.  Whatever happened seems to have left an open wound where her sense of self could have been. 

I think I do not so much wish she would "get hers," but rather I wish that she would received the healing salve of consequences to her actions.  The truth is that when we can receive the consequences of the errors we make, we often learn.  BPD mom does not, which means she keeps making the same errors. 

In our case, BPD mom cannot hold a job, has terrible endings to all intimate relationships, feels constantly alone and believes everyone is out to get her.  Seems terribly painful. 

So when I find myself replaying in my mind challenging experiences I have had with her, wishing she would "get hers", I remember that she already "got hers," when she was a small child and could do nothing about it... . and that the result of what she got is being able to treat others this way.  She does not need more pain.  What she needs, is love with boundaries.  Which I can only occasionally give her, but that is what I will try to model. 

I have a slightly different experience that does back up what others here have said.

XBPDw ran away 5 plus years ago. We have two children together so NC is not an option. I am as LC as possible and only communicate through email. Way back in the beginning I knew nothing of BPD. It took months until things started to fall together. By then we were communicting 97% through email. She sent one very nasty email about all my faults and failings and my interpretation was projection on her part. I replied pointing out what I thought in an honest, firm, respectful (I believe it was and showed my T at the time although she did point out the futility) manner. I said something to the effect that I can't imagine the pain she must be in to say the things she said. The anger that came back was more extreme than usual and she had one of her brothers threaten me. Since that time I have ignored her attacks and stay focused on our boys. It's been 5 plus years and I still get angry emails. I have learned to see it for what it is and that it has nothing to do with me.

My sister swears that time is on our side (the healthy spouse).  As others become the targets for BPD outbursts, they will see these folks for what they are.  For years, we've been their targets which "spare" others from seeing their outbursts.