BPDFamily.com

When I first came here times were dark indeed, and I, like many others, was at the end of my tether with despair. Thanks to the help of the folks here I have changed my whole view and approach to handling my RS, and as a reward have made real positive strides. The extremities of alcoholism, medication addictions and overdoses. Extremes of denial, abuse projections and destructive tantrums. Most of these are are now behind us. Now that I have stopped adding fuel to these has resulted in making most of them redundant in as far as providing a way of dealing with BPD issues.

My partner has now come to accept most of these BPD issues as her issues, and rarely acts them out on me or the kids. She has started seeking proper support groups and life skills therapies and started to take a pride in herself once again. Exercising and not sitting around in her dressing gown all day, and generally helping out proactively more often. Our RS has been getting stronger and better. Her BPD and associated thoughts are the same as before, but greater awareness and  general fear of imminent conflict has taken her off the auto all out defensive fight mode. Triggers cause manageable ripples rather than instant explosions.

Of course this is all still new, and her sense of self is still very fragile. Which brings us to last friday, a follow up appointment with the breast clinic. This was delayed 2 months due to 2 missed appointments as a result of  being in residential alcohol detox and hospital for ODs etc.

Result, breast cancer she needs a mastectomy, whole breast removed, then Kemo and further tests to see if it has spread any further, this happens 10/4 or even earlier if they can fit it in. Needless to say we are both in shock and having to come to terms with this. She is a large busted lady (50yrs old) so this is going to have a huge physical impact. There are many things to come to terms with here. It is going to make or break her. It could bring out the battler in her and focus her in a positive way, or it could totally destroy her sense of self, and her big plans.

I know many women have been through this, who I guess learn to adapt to it. If anyone has experiences with a pwBPD who has under gone something like this I would be interested to here your experiences.

I still can't get all the if only's out of my mind, particularly about the missed appointments due to alcohol and ODs,then  this then would have been discovered 2 months earlier, it may not have been so big and may not have resulted in a mastectomy.

There is much to get our heads around, as if there wasn't already. So if I am a bit distracted for a while this is why.

I can say one thing though, thanks to what I have learned here my role as carer and support will be far more effective than it would otherwise have been

Wave, I'm really sorry to hear this :'(

Wave,

I am really sorry! 

What a tough turn your life are taking now... . for both of you.

I cannot give any practical advise. The only thing I can say: I would have the same thoughts like you about the delay. Unfortunately this cannot be undone.

Sending you strength and 

Waverider... . positive vibes being sent your way! 

I am 48 and have had a few good friends my age go through the same thing.  Thankfully, they all have gone well, and have had good help to get through the tough times.  None had BPD, though, so I can see your concern.

I know it's hard to not think about the what ifs.  That's where you have to say 'it is what it is' and take it one day at a time.

You have been through some very difficult things in life, and although here is one more challenge, you certainly have what it takes to get through this.  Keep us posted on how you and your wife are doing, when you can.

Waverider,

I havent had any experience in this, but I wanted to say that I am sad to hear about your wife's illness.  I wish all the best for the both of you. 

Waverider,

I am sorry you and your wife have to go through this - sending extra prayers your way.

 

I have been involved with the 3 Day Komen walk for a few years now, just know there is a ton of support for your entire family out there.  I will be doing the walk again this summer and will make note of Mrs. Waverider for our team support.

Peace,

SB

Yes, this is a defining point, really care for your boundaries. Do not let yourself get rundown. I have been through this with many of my immediately family.

Please take care.

I'm so sorry to hear this.  As you have told me- don't forget to take care of yourself while caring for her.  Our prayers are with you.

Thanks for the kind words of support, I am glad I have a place like this to give me strength and more than a few skills to deal with this so I can better support my partner.

Pre op appointment today, so that will focus it as being more real

Waverider,  I'm sending positive support your way.  I do not have personal experience in this aside from being with my grandmother when she was suffering with cancer.  Just let your partner know you care. 

I've always been interested in what you have to say, and I see great strength in you.  It takes a rare breed to stick through the thick and thin w/a pwBPD.  Your hard work and determination really shines through.  All I can say is keep taking care of yourself first, otherwise you are of no use to her.  It's obvious that the changes you've made have affected your relationship in a positive way.

Wishing you and your partner the best.

Waverider, I'm hoping for the best for you and your wife.

Here is an amazing book about one woman's fight with Breast Cancer. It is a happy ending story, and one with an earlier catch, and the author is younger, and likely has a very different life than Mrs. Waverider. (No mastectomy in this story) I don't know if it would encourage or discourage your wife given the differences. (If she likes shoes, that is a plus!)

www.amazon.com/Cancer-Vixen-A-True-Story/dp/037571474X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364255715&sr=8-1&keywords=cancer+vixen

Sending you all good thoughts and prayers!

My very best friend underwent surgery last week for bilateral mastectomy and as it is part of BOTH of our careers it was especially staggering.

I'm hoping sincerely that the fighter comes out in your wife, the journey is tough, but it can be done!

Big hugs!

CiF

Oh Wave     


I hope it does the former. We haven't had any major health issues, but my partner has been through a couple of motorcycle accidents (one a little too close to death). My observation is that on the surface it can give him something else to victim about, but underneath it stirs him up and does bring out his battler. It is like it cuts through the BPD.

I hope it does for your partner.

Look after You.

Love Blazing Star

waverider, i am sorry to hear this.

I know 2 other women right now who also have advanced breast cancer. Both have mental illness issues--1 is schizophrenic, the other bipolar. I understand the "if only's"--My friend with schizophrenia totally ignored the oozing from her breast for months. She was also off her medications. Finally had to go to the emergency room in an ambulance, and when the doctor told her what the problem was, she flipped out and ran from the hospital. Went back a month or so later. She is now stage 4. She's taking an antibiotic for a staff infection and something to decrease her estrogen levels. I talked to her a couple of days ago, and even though she is back on her medication (for schizophrenia), she is still delusional and thinks the antibiotic is a cure for her breast cancer. She was happy and upbeat and told me "I'm going to beat this!" but in reality, she is definitely NOT going to beat it. It has spread all over her body--she's stage 4. All i could tell her is "that's good news _____, I'm so glad to hear that".

The bipolar friend is not doing well at all with it.

The only thing I can think to tell you is that while this is scary for you, it's a lot more scary for her. Don't try to take those feelings away. Don't say "don't be scared... . " If ever there is a time for exaggerated emotions to be appropriate, it's now. Allow her to feel it. If it gets way out of control, perhaps you can talk with her and try to "schedule" (as stupid as that sounds) time for intense emotions.

I don't know... . just thinking out loud. I wish you both some peace here and there.

doubleAries

I have thought along those lines, and it is an issue were the projection channels are left wide open, she can project her thoughts onto me all she likes. This is not her "baggage" to hold, it is ours. If she chooses to block much of it and leave the worry to me thats fine.

Current issue she is having is that anesthetist wants her off most of her psych meds before operation, thats causing a fair amount of stress. Will have to talk that one through carefully.

Waverider,

I wish I had some advice for you, but I haven't experienced anything like that.  You are one strong man, I marvel at what you are able to handle.  Just lending support and prayers to you both for a peaceful treatment and good outcome. 

I'm so sorry to hear about this too Wave.   My thoughts are with you and your wife. I know we have amazing medical solutions today, still, it must be scary for you both. We're here for you buddy.   

I too send kind thoughts to you and your family and especially your wife. The healthy partner in a relationship where one is ill can become the forgotten person. In the acute stages of the illness it is about the person who is actually dealing with the illness. Almost always though there is that someone standing behind, being the strength, assuming more responsibilities and helping the rest of the family deal with the gut wrenching emotions that follow a diagnosis like this. I hope you have a wonderful support person there for you.

Very sorry to hear this, Waverider.   

Hoping for the best for both of you, Waverider. 

 

I'm sorry to hear all of this Waverider! I'm sending you all the support that I can.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

AnotherPheonix 

Thanks guys.

Holding up well so far, now has to go on a reduction regime to rid her of half her psych tabs. That's causing a bit of anxiety as she has used them as a mental prop for a long time. It will be good to get rid of a lot of them though in the long run

waverider 

There is life after breast cancer.  I was diagnosed in 2000 and had a double mastectomy and 6 months of chemo.  It is a difficult time for sure but having someone next to you who both loves and cares about you is more than half the battle.  Stay strong for her because your wife will need your strength as she battles this disease.  Sometimes just being there to hold her hand will be enough but mostly it will be your kindness and warm hugs that will help her get past this. 

I wish for her a full recovery and I wish for you the patience and understanding you will need on this journey.

tailspin

I'm so sorry to hear this, waverider.  You are a strong, loving husband, and she is lucky to have you by her side.  Wishing you both peace and healing. 

Mentally wheels are starting to fall off, stress over this and realization cancer is fairly advanced. having to stop smoking, & coming off 4 scripts(valium,amilsulpride, lamatrogine,naltrexone), all at a time of maximum stress.

Now a full week since diag and not a single member of her family has been round to offer support. Her mum can fit her in for half an hour if we meet in town at a coffee shop, yeh great place for a heart pouring convo, her son can fit us in if we go over there next tuesday afternoon. Her mum had a mastectomy so should know better. Brother doesn't want to talk about it as its too gloomy, but wants to talk about his new two girlfriends instead. 2 sisters are more concerned about the implications for them now having 2 family members with breast cancer.

So its just me (and you guys for me)

Feeling a bit bitter and angry at the moment

Bless your hearts. Are your parents or family around for support hun?

We're here for you 

I have a brother here in Aus whos pretty solid, he's away on vacation at moment, but we're catching as soon as he gets back. The rest of my family is back in the UK

That is a difficult situation.  I'm sorry her family is not more involved.  I'm thinking of mindfulness and deep breathing, and taking it a day at a time.  Peace to you. 

I'm just seeing this wave, and sending some strong, warm good luck vibes your way.

Look at how far you have come since joining this site.  Think about your newfound skills and perspectives and use these to give you the CONFIDENCE that you will handle what life throws your way, and come out the other side better and stronger.  Even if you are knee deep in it at the moment.



This is a 'support' forum.  Use it.  So many here that are happy to help in any small way we can

This is so true, the proof is in the pudding so to speak. It is being well tested both by the illness itself and the BPD causing all sorts of coping issues within my partner. I am learning a lot very quickly about the both of us. Particularly about how petty some issues in the past really were.

God, what a sucky way to find it... . but staring eye-to-eye with the possibility of death does give you some perspective on what is really important. Here's hoping that both you and your wife will learn from it. 

Depression, sadness and hopelessness has really set in now, hasn't eaten for two days. Lots of S & E at the moment, but will need some T soon as she needs to start looking after herself physically. :'(

"Coffees" with her mum was a classic demonstration of invalidation. "don't feel sorry for yourself" "show some backbone" etc.

Still no visit yet from any of her family, not even an offer.

Personally I am feeling a whole lot of bitterness and resentment, but not sure as to were it is directed. I am working on identifying that and not laying it were it does not belong, and preferably dissipating it altogether as it achieves nothing.

Going to have to do some inner centering, I'm a bit all over the place at the moment

I am sure this is normal.

Yes, this is normal!

I would feel the same.

Some T sessions would be a good idea.

While the outrage over her family's callousness is completely understandable, it shouldn't be a surprise. If her family were warm, caring people, she likely wouldn't be BPD.

Not taking care of herself is easy to understand too. Keep this article in mind Shame and Implicit Self-Concept in Women With Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/rusch-art.pdf)

Keep yourself utterly focused on what you can and cannot control. Say the serenity prayer every time you need to. This will allow you to feel your grief and fear, instead of murking it up with frustration.

you know we're all pulling for you.

Man, my heart goes out to you and her. I don't know, it may not be such a good idea being around her family. This is where iron clad boundaries my be helpful. This may be a time to let go of being around other's well established empathy failures.

In my case, I find that I just can't depend on family. I do have really good friends, and I am really trying to learn to trust them. But only from my perspective, being around toxic behavior really, really makes things much, much worse.

From my prospective, a situation may not be able to be made better because of logistics, but maybe it can be made from being worse. Another way to look at is that you may not stop the hemorraging, but you can slow it down.

Slow down exposure to causes and conditions that you know are gonna make the situation worse.

Hoping this doesn't come off as offensive, but for me, not being around ___holes really improves the quality of life. I am not saying that her family isn't nice or is nice, but I am saying for myself, this statement is true. Self soothe instead.

Do you follow me? Does what I say seem clear to you?

I have been encouraging that path for a long time, we go to hardly go to  any family gatherings for the simple reason we have to go though, no ever comes here. But as my partner has never really had that close bonding she is still stuck in trying to establish it. A T once told her it is difficult to cut a tie and move on if it was never there in the first place. They dont talk badly just no physical effort to put themselves out. So one pleasant phone chat and they are all white again and idealized.

Thats all really a side issue anyway.

I did a lot of reading on Breast cancer and support roles. As I have always said what we learn here is a life skill in general, what it talks about is employing SET much the same. The whole procedure and journey is clear in my mind now about what happens and the various physical and emotional issues that arise.

Luckily my partner was just over the hump in BPD, we are on the same page in that and are addressing that together, rather than contesting that issue, so that journey will go hand in hand.

I am about as prepared for this as I can be.

Gosh, is there any way she can stop this trauma bond cycle? If she can really, really focus, she probably has a good chance in beating this. But she had to eliimate every toxic piece out of her life and relay listen to her body.

As well as you do with yours. I am pulling for you. I hope she takes the right path.

Until the BPD is mostly overcome, and it might never be, she will always be at the mercy of low self esteem towards her family. Or her mum passes away, which I cant see being in the near future

I'm sorry Wave.  It's good she has you through this.

Take good care of you too through it.

Going away for a few days today before she goes for surgery. See you all when I get back

Take care of yourself wave

Enjoy the break

 

 

My heart goes to you and your wife for these days.

Day of surgery has finally arrived, its been a rough couple of weeks waiting. Still doesn't feel real yet.

Hoping for the best for your wife and you.

Best wishes!

  Hope it all goes well. Keep looking after You.

Love Blazing Star

  I know that feeling heading out for surgery and waiting and waiting and waiting... .   My heart goes out to both of you.

My thoughts goes to both of you!

waverider

I had breast cancer in my right breast 5 years ago this May.  Surgery and radiation.  I was fortunate my tumor was very small and I did not require a mastectomy.  I have been on medication since.  I insisted both of my sisters have mammograms.  One was fine and is being monitored yearly. My other sister was diagnosed shortly after me and she had bilateral mastectomies with reconstruction. She has done very well.  

I will not kid you... .   your wife will be headed for some really difficult days and she is going to need your unwavering support.  Her mental illness will probably spiral upwards, and she will need constant reassurance that she is beautiful and dearly loved.   Watch for depression.

Once everything has healed, she should be cancer-free.  She needs to focus on the positive.

Prayers to you both.   Please hang in there.

In surgery right now. It will take longer than normal due to unspecified complications, Tumor is about 8cm.

Looked so vulnerable being wheeled in

In a way BPD has helped in certain aspects, although her moods and fears were up and down to extremes, an ability to accurately asses what real future projects are acted as a kind of block. Yes there was worst case obsessions but that cycled with over the top positive feeling. She wasn't stuck in reality,  that may come when she wakes up.

Depression and lack of self worth will be a big concern I expect. So will potential over dependency on pain killers and meds, as that has always been an addiction issue even at the best of times.

Been hard to concentrate on much these last few days, just concentrated on getting out and smelling the roses.

Just wanted to let you know that you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. 

What she said! 

Thinking of you and your wife, hoping all went well yesterday! 

surgery went well, now we have to wait for results of tests and scans to see to what extent more treatment is needed. Needless to say she is very upset and the hospital stay is causing abandonment issues.

Hoping this doesnt cause a relapse into pain killer addictions, thats another issue I dont want to have to deal with

I am so sorry. My prayers will be with your concerns.

Waverider

I am glad things are going well.  Your w will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Be sure her doctors are aware of her previous addiction to pain killers.  Take care of

yourself.

I'm glad the surgery went well.   :)

  all the best to the family Wave! Take care.

Back from hospital now, spent a week in there, I was there a lot of the time too, hence my absence from the boards.

All went well so far, tomorrow we get the pathology results back to determine severity and decide future treatment.

A lot of issues and perspectives came to light and will need working through.

This place has equipped me well to deal with this and provide effective support.

Good to at least get back to some kind of routine and be able to contribute more effectively once again

Thanks again for all your support and words of encouragement.

Waverider

Welcome back... .   we missed you.  Glad to hear all is well so far.  Things may become more difficult now that you are home without all the support received at the hospital. 

Let us know if we can help.  Take care.

Have been thinking of you Wave. 

Great that you feel equipped to provide support! Hope you are managing to find some time for you too.

Love Blazing Star

 

   Hi Wave, I'm just seeing this entire post now.  If you take care of your partner with even half of the effort and inspiration that you give to all of us here at the site, she's in great hands while she copes with this illness.   

Just got back from follow up appointment. Its stage IIIC, tumour was 7cm, 10 lymph nodes affected, 50/50 long term survival.

Both in shock at the moment

Waverider

I am so sorry. This is not the result anyone expected.  Of course, you are in shock.

I suspect chemo/radiation may be done regardless of the mastectomy surgery.  Have they done a PET scan? 

You have many friends here for support, and BPDF has a GREAT BIG shoulder.  Praying for you and your wife. 

yes, we are here for you.

  to you both.

Sorry to hear - a big   to you both.

Chemo was always on the cards, radiation was pending pathology result. Chemo will be injection and tabs probably.

Not sure about PET scan they have done CT and will be having a bone scan on Monday.

Waverider

Good luck on Monday.  I am sure your wife is in very capable hands. 

Please keep us posted.

 

That is shocking news.  I am praying for her and you. 

I'm so sorry Wave.  I'm thinking of you and your partner.   

I know that's shocking.  Sending prayers and love to both of you.

  I was hoping for better news.

I wish there was something I could say to make sense of it or make it better.

I am so sorry Waverider.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife. 

    

Really feeling for you Wave.

Love Blazing Star

3-6 months of chemo ahead followed by 5 days a week for 5 weeks of radiotherapy. Probably hormone therapy too. Find out results of bone scan on friday, hopefully it hasn't got into bones.

Oh my. Do you think she has the mental and physical strength for this?

 

Sending you healing thoughts and prayers Wave.

On the surface no, but sometimes serious issues can wash away much of the trivial outlooks previously held.

Obsessing over it and depression, especially once the side effects of chemo kick in will be hard.

I'm so sorry.  Praying that her bones will be clear.  

As this comes off harsh, what is truly fragile in nature will break. Not just physically, but mentally.

Does she realize what she needs to really do to beat this? I mean, really clean house. Impeccable nutritional, physical, and psychological management.

I say this because my mother did not have what it takes, and though she went though chemo once because the doctor talked her into it, I talked her out of a second round, as it would have been an exercise in futility and added immense pain for no payoff. I tried with my grandmother, but she was she was brainwashed by the money grubbing sociopath doctor, it was to no avail.  She died in agony, and it could have been averted. I tried with my young uncle who had stage iii, but he went full into it, and died an undignified, agonizing death for nothing. His doctors were very enriched, however.

I have taught 1000 plus student of the medical professions of all types.  I am well aware of the patterns of cancer, and what a person is likely going to be up against. From what you have told us, this battle is going to require almost super human stamina, and extreme attention to all life details on her part. Is she willing to do the paradigm shift?  

I am saying as a scientist and expert in this, the people that survive this kind of disease and treatment are the ones that have their ducks perfectly and immaculately in a row. If they don't, they and their loved ones suffer extreme pain, zero life quality, and indignity for no reason.

I know I am touching a raw nerve, and I apologize if this hurts. My father had a life threatening illness and almost died a few years ago. He self abused all of his life until that point, but he got his act together and was immaculate in his efforts of recovery, and worked like a dog at it. It mostly broke his extreme narcissism, as a matter of fact. But if he didn't get his head straight,he would be dead, like my mother, at way too young of age.

waverider

Stay strong.  Please know you are being thought about and prayed for.  We wish you and your wife

comfort and hope during this very emotional and difficult time.  Take care.

You are quite right in what you say and that answer to this is unknown. It is also my concern. BUT and this is the unknown, she has extreme obsessive behavior and is driven by this to either extreme effort or zero effort depending if the impulse kicks in.

When she was younger she was an extreme gym/fitness junkie to the point of concerning excess. But when she stops wouldn't walk to the corner store. It has been the same with anything if she applies herself she will push herself way past the point of exhaustion and natural failure that would apply to anyone else. The difficulty is kick starting that obsession. There is no normal levels of effort. Could train for a marathon but not for normal fitness.

Down side is she is hypochondriac by nature so can make a mountain of the slightest ailment. Serious side effects of real illness may jolt her into reality, and constant contact with medical profession will not be alien to her.

To be honest mentally it could go either way. To not go through treatment would not allow her to live a happy and oblivious life, as she would still obsess about it and maximize any ailments. I think to actually fight it will at least give a real focus. She will have a real tangible enemy rather than fearing shadows.

At the end of the day, the effort made will be her choice. I can only encourage i cant make anything happen

Wave, it is true you can't make anything happen--that is on her.

But give yourself some credit--by knowing this, you are going to support her where appropriate, and other than that, get out of the way and let her deal with it the best she can.

Many people are capable of becoming an extra problem when dealing with something like this. (Yes, I am dealing with some medical issues in my wife's family... .   and some other family members are making it worse!)

And we're all rooting for both you and your wife in the meantime. 

Definitely experiencing this, some people step up to the mark, others disappear and some totally devalue the significance.

Support without pressure is the go I think.

Oh my. Try to minimize contact with anybody who is not 100% supportive. True colors will abound.

Hi Waverider,

Wishing you and your wife as smooth a journey through this as you can possibly have.  You're in my thoughts.   

zaqsert

Bone scans clear chemo starts in 3 weeks once surgery wound is fully healed. Followed by radiotherapy 5 days per week for 5 weeks

I will lock this thread now as its getting a bit long for the staying board.

Any further related issues worth bringing up will form a new thread

Thanks for all the support I have received it has made a big difference