BPDFamily.com

hello my dear friends, I have been away for a while, but I missed you. Hope you are all doing well. My life has taken a turn I didnt expect to happen so soon, I discovered internet dating in the last month, which has been fun, another distraction and way to "forget" and also showed me that I can distinguish between men who are worth it and men who arent, and that unlike 15 years ago when I was desperate to settle down, I can be so much more relaxed now.

But back to reality, still in the rented flat, My exuBPDh has been seen out hand in hand with new woman, and worse still when we went to the house before school one morning, both my kids saw them driving out of the garage, her in the car next to him. My son cried all the way to school saying "you?ll never get back together now". I wrote an email to ex asking that he talked to our son after school, that he must stop raising the kids hopes that the only solution is a reconciliation... . and that maybe he was moving on and if so I was happy for him... . to please be realistic with them and say maybe it is for the best after all that mummy and daddy arent together but we love him etc... . he didnt reply to this. But later my son said he told him not to worry, she wasnt his new partner she was just a friend that was comforting him and going to the theatre with him to keep him company and give his cuddles. My son was soo relieved with this explanation... . ! And so still thinks there is hope! I think my partner has had his head stuck in the sand the last few months, he is not able to face reality, or understand why it has happened, he is happier just being angry, and being the victim, and making me out to be the cruel and wicked woman... as far as I know avoiding changing doctors as I had urged him to, or changing medication, or going to the specialist at the personality disorder centre I had found... . refusing to discuss arrangements for the kids because he doesnt want to accept this has happened, it makes me feel so sad for him,  but I am just so relieved that I am now calmer and feeling so much stronger in myself.

Many posts talk about the BPD doing the abandoning suddenly, in our case I snapped after many years of emotional abuse. Sometimes I think maybe he was right and I am the one that is mentally ill to have split the family up in this way, to have moved out and moved on without looking back, because I didnt want to be crushed and hurt any more (thank you Zoloft). The only way to stop it was for me to run... . will he be angry at me and hate me forever, I guess it is possible.

This reminds me of [part of] my story. Neither of us has filed yet. I don't know what her intentions are, but I'm just taking some downtime for myself and amending parenting and spending plans as they arise and documenting everything as it occurs (not too eventful, but you never know what may become significant in a courtroom months or years from now). After what I dealt with and the divorce being an adventure into the unknown, it's time for some time in the breakdown lane. I've been out on a few dates; taking it slowly and I'm still in some form of contact with all of them. I'm clear up front that I'm not ready for a relationship and that I'm over the whole "settling down" thing.

Luckily my son is too young to understand the dynamics; he only knows "home" and "dada's house" and little more. This is my motivation for not doing a recycle; he will be old enough to pick up on things when things fall apart the second time. She still has no remorse or validation for how much I've been hurt and still labels me as an "abuser". Not my son, but other people ask if we'll get back together and I'm unambiguous when I say no.

The garage thing reminds me of one of our bigger episodes. Right after I moved out, she changed the locks. When it was time to bring our son back she failed to mention that we were meeting elsewhere. I had arrived at a dark house. After I got done consoling my 2 year old (he couldn't understand why I couldn't let him in) and getting him back in his car seat, some guy in a Mustang drove by the house, up the driveway, and into the garage for which he had an opener. She said he was just a guy from work that was doing her a favor because she "didn't feel safe" around me. The only person who wasn't safe was him: the only thing that saved his life was my state of total shock and disbelief. I could care less who she's with or what she's doing with whoever, but driving into another man's garage thinking you're going to confront him takes balls. That was the point of no return for me.