BPDFamily.com

So, my ex-BPDGF and I broke up again when she pushed me away 10 days ago. We've cycled several times. We broke up in late January and she contacted me about two weeks later to try again. I told her I couldn't take her up/down moods, temper, devaluation, etc... She convinced me that she was seeing a therapist for her "issues". Her MO in the past when we broke up was to immediately start dating to distract herself from her problems. This time, she said she wasn't doing that and was going to take time away from dating to get the therapy she needed. I agreed to give it another shot only because of her admitting her issues, getting therapy and admitting she in the past never healed herself, she'd just jump from one relationship to another. We made it 30 days before the devaluation started and she picked a stupid fight and pushed me away again. You can see my intro post.

So, a couple of days ago, I was curious is she was going to keep her word from the past and focus on her issues and not date. I checked on a dating that I'd used in the past that she had never used and we had never discussed and BINGO, there she was. It was like she was using a site to find someone else w/out me knowing so she wouldn't get caught in another lie. It hadn't even been a week that we broke up before she signed up to look for another guy. What she didn't know was I had used this site off/on for the past few years and didn't have my profile visible, so she couldn't see me.

It REALLY hurt me when I saw this due to her telling me how much she loved me, that we were going to make it this time, she wanted my last name, etc... . She told me most of this the last morning together and picked a fight and left saying it wasn't going to work and left. I'd been thinking about what to do. I finally said "screw it" and adjusted my profile, cropped a picture of us together that only showed me and turned my profile back on.

I only wish I could know what she thought when she see's me on there. I hope it stung if even for a moment. She know's I've dated during our past break ups and I hope this hurt her and gave her pause for only a moment that she pushed me away. I know, I know... most will say it was childish and I'm not over her, I'm looking for a reaction, etc... My only true intent was to sting her if for only a moment and let her know I'm not home crying over ending us for good.

I don't have any intention to go on dates right now as I do need to continue to heal but it sure felt good to rattle her if only for a moment. 

Stay away from her. The relationship will never work. Just like my ex, she jumps from relationship to relationship instead of coming to face with her demons. They think that a new boy-toy will fix everything for them once the old one appears broken in their eyes.

I have been in your exact situation and Im going to give you my best on this one. GET OFF OF THAT SITE! There are plenty of other dating sites out there. You do not need that site infact you do not need to be anywhere she is. Do not draw attention to your dating. Do not be spiteful of her dating. MOVE ON! You know she isnt going to change so do not prolong this by putting youself anywhere near her. Trust me. This is for the best.

Unfortunately, she'll most likely use it for justification of her own actions.  She may go so far as to fabricate a reality where you've been on that site the whole while.  You, me and all the other nons operate in a world that has rules: action/reaction, cause/effect, good begets good and evil begets evil. They change/augment/ignore the rules as they see fit in order to keep themselves safe.  We can't win at this game.  Their defense mechanisms are too ingrained and so automatic that they can't be outmaneuvered or overwhelmed.  I too occasionally dream that one day my exBPD will come to the realization that she caused pain and messed up a good thing. Remorse of some sort.  Fact is, she's so adept at avoidance, disassociation and self-distraction that she may never feel that way.  Through the course of the relationship she was constantly convinced and said she felt that I was going to leave.  Those feelings led to her behaviors that I could not tolerate and so I did toss her out.  She has since turned it on it's head and said/believes that she knew it all along, I was never in it for the long haul, my lack of commitment is the reason for her behavior and the end of the relationship.  Circular rationalization much?  

No win situation.  You can't convince someone of anything they don't want to acknowledge when they bend reality to suit their needs.  Hurt them?  Well they already think their the victims but beyond that anything you do will just be seen as yet another reason their better off/justified/whatever.

I don't disagree with what most of you have posted. Thank you for your thoughts. Honestly, my main intention was to simply let her know I saw her on that site, to bust her in yet another lie. Is there any value in this? No... Is it me just being a bit bitter? YUP! I think it was good to see her on there and help desensitize myself to the reality of her dating. It was good to see yet another gross example of her lies.

Paperlung was on point with his comments. She won't face her demons and distracts herself with a new guy vs. getting help. I'm not sure she's spent ANYTIME w/out dating someone since her divorce 2 years ago.

Anyway, what I did was childish. I know this. It still felt good. I can still enjoy a brief moment of satisfaction that she knows I saw her on there and that she's back to her old tricks. I plan on hiding my profile like it was before in the next day or two. I've made my point.

I read about someone that made a fake profile, initiated contact with his ex, scheduled a date and stood her up.

Now there is a devious mind in action.

I love it!