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I do have a deeper grasp of what the hell is going on - but I never think I will fully really understand how someone can just write you out of their life so easily after 19 years - not wanting to remember a single thing - and how they can move on like you never existed.  I am just so thankful that my mind will never work that way.

I will never understand it either. But its not BPD´s behaviour, many people do that.

Also, I cant understand if BPD is an illness or they are just very selfish people, with no empathy. Its very hard for me to see that they take no responsability and feel they have to be served by everyone else on Earth... . Even a 5 yo knows the world doesnt revolve around him... .

Her illness rules her life and her decisions.

Cal in time we no longer feel the need to "get it" - we are healed to the stage of putting the behavior to rest and start to concentrate on us.

So if you feel you will truly never fully understand it - what now?

Cal - you and I have talked about this before.  We're in the same boat.  We're never going to fully grasp it.  Never.  And we will most likely go to our graves shaking our heads.  We put in the same amount of time.   My exwBPD has never, not ONCE asked how I was doing since she moved out.  To the very bitter end I loved that woman.  I did everything I could to make sure she was ok to the point where I had to walk away from her after I moved her out to her own apartment.  What else can we do?  They may very well be 3 year old inside but they're adults on the outside and their actions are adult actions with adult consequences.  That they bring onto themselves and THEY'RE the ones that have to live with that.  It's our responsibility to hold ourselves up to a higher standard and be the REAL adults in the end.

Acceptance is the key.  We don't have to understand it and we don't NEED to.  What we need to do is let it go.  Give to them what it is that they brought onto themselves.  Start looking in the mirror and get a grip on what it is that we have left.   Us.  Just us.

We can do this.  We can overcome this.  We don't have any other choice.

I talked to a couple of buddies about this, one who unfortunately drinks quite often after two lengthy BPD relationships.  They both said the same thing while we talked about BPD relationships, and that was "If you try to understand crazy, you'll end up going crazy yourself".  I believe that saying is pretty true.  I don't think any of us will ever really understand it all.

All we can do is just accept that they are the way they are and will never change, no matter what they say, how they act, or what they do.  We all still have time to form meaningful, lasting relationships with other people who want and appreciate just us the way we are.  Unfortunately the BPD's will continue to keep looking for the next fantasy to come along and pretending they love them in the role of their next movie.   I know it is especially hard for people who have shared nearly twenty or more years together, I won't pretend to have a clue knowing what that would be like, but regardless of the time we've spent with them we have to all move on with our lives the best way that we possibly can. 

Exactly.

That's what honestly hurts the most.  That you meant nothing.  Blame their sickness or don't, that is just an awful way to deal with someone you "Love".  I almost refuse to see it as anything but illness... . that they can't even respond to an email, a letter, a phone call.  I just do not have words for it.

I remember having a brief two week relationship with a woman.  I slept with her once, and talked with her a few times afterwards but admittedly dropped her flat and went no contact.  She went ballistic on me, and deservedly so.  After about three days, I wrote her an email and called and apologized for my awful behavior.  I was absolutely guilt-ridden.  We are now friends, on Facebook no less - but what I'm saying here is that this how normal, healthy people deal with relationships.  They recognize the error of their ways and find some resolve and closure.   People with BPD CAN'T do that.

Please take solace in the fact that your life will be more rewarding and fulfilling then their lives will ever be. Count on it. You will grow from this, whereas they will continue to spiral out of control and crash over and over again unless they somehow find the will to get better.