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well I have recycled for the umpteenth time and this time I am putting no pressure on the relationship what so ever. We see each other several times a  week and connect several times daily. There is no I love you, or any talk of future plans. I'm doing ok with this because from what I understand now with BPD it is best not to pressure because it makes them turn away, but on the same hand, I feel like I am being used until something else comes along. I don't know how or if I should ask him where our relationship stands. Its very hard being in limbo especially with someone that you had at one time planned on spending the rest of your life with. I thought about telling him that I love him, but I really feel he should make the first move on that because if he responds, it may be just that, a response. Hes turning 50 in a couple weeks and I am expecting fallout from that, in fact its already starting. He said he looked in the mirror the other day and saw wrinkles and last night he started talking about ailments again. I have to laugh because his behavior has become soo predictable. Maybe now would not be a good time to bring up relationship issues? I'm not sure if there ever really is a good time.

Hey benny

I doesn't sound like you are doing ok with this arrangement.  You said in your post that you feel used and in limbo, and surely you are not ok with that?  It doesn't feel good to recycle under his terms; I'm guessing that your frustration and feelings of powerlessness is getting to you.  It sounds like the motivation for not speaking your truth is b/c of your fear of him turning away.  When you emotionally detach you will be able to speak your truth and set healthy boundaries without fear of losing him.  Ironically this tends to make our partners relax so that our time with them is more reciprocal pleasurable. 

But you must know this:  he will turn away, but then probably come back, especially if you represent a strong, supportive person that he can count on (instead of a codependent one that lets him drive a boundaryless, chaotic relationship).  You cannot prevent him from turning away by contorting and compromising your truth.  He has an attachment disorder and even with treatment, he will probably never fully attach to you the way you can with him.  Depending on the depth of childhood trauma and his temperment, he has had a disruption in early attachment that is rarely reversed (there are exceptions like A.J.Mahari).  He will come close on his good days and this is wonderful, but there will be days when his mind will tell him not to trust you and he will turn away.  Enjoy the time you ahve with him and don't take the times he pulls away from you personally.  Give him space and do other things.

Take care

Rosanna, I think I'll print out and carry around that last post. That is such helpful guidance. Benny, I know very well how scary & hard it is to start acting the way Rosanna is recommending, but the people around here who seem happy longterm in some kind of connection to pwBPD are those who deeply accept what she is saying, live that way, and don't twist themselves into endless pretzels trying to avoid bad reactions they can't ultimately avoid anyway.

Yep, there never realy is a good time to bring up triggering relationship issues.   

Our partners are anxious and frightened most of the time (even if they seem super confident and are raging).  Your timidity, anxiety and fear will not be attractive to him - confidence and purpose are attractive to our partners, even though they often do and say things that undermine our confidence and purpose.  Self-censorship doesn't fix him or help you. 

At the same time, there are bad and worse times to bring things up.  If he's triggerred about turning 50, that may be one of the worse times.     The best time to rock the boat is when the ocean is calm. 

Oh, boy, benny, do I understand where you're coming from all too well!

This is EXCELLENT advice, rosannadanna!  I should also print it out like patientandclear said.

I have a friend who is a T who works with many pwBPD, and she reminded me last night that pwBPD need people around them to have strong boundaries.  If your boundaries are "squishy," she said, then pwBPD will end up uncomfortable and not able to trust you.

I reunited with my uBPDbf a couple of months ago.  How I wish I'd have brought up all of the r/s topics we should have discussed early on before I again become more emotionally invested in this r/s.  Instead, I made some assumptions that made me feel safe enough to re-engage with him.  Now, I think of all the things that I left unspoken, and I have huge regrets.

I'm learning how to stop walking on eggshells.  I found a good therapist who works with pwBPD, and she's been helpful.  She pointed out in my first session that it sounds like I need to learn how to better stick up for myself.  So, I'm working on that, and I just might be losing this r/s because of it.  We will see.  I just can't spend my life not speaking my truth, especially in my most intimate r/s.  I know how scary it can feel to take that risk and speak your truth, benny.