BPDFamily.com

I've posted bits about this. Do I have rights to know where my children are when my H takes them places or makes arrangements? We are living together, the D has been filed, there is now continuing episodes of DV and he is not approachable.   He wrote plans on the calendar during the week he is on break next week, but hasn't told me the details.  It is within my right to ask him where the children will be and where they are going? He is doing this to keep in control. He coaches, so on the calendar he wrote in his practices.  I know we still have equal rights as nothing is in place as he continues to reside with me.

Please help as I am so confused how to even respond to this man!  I ask him for details and that's going to be a huge trigger for him. 

I think it depends on a few things.  I tell my ex- if we're going out of town for a few days.  But if it's just what i do w/ our son but sleeping at home (which is 99%) of the time, then i don't tell her anything.  I also don't fret about what she does with him. 

Unless it's something that's a major break from expected/normal routine, I don't bother with trying to communicate about it.  You need to be careful not to be seen as trying to interfere in his time with the kids.  My ex-wife has done that from time to time, and it was one of the reasons things didn't work out like she hoped when she filed trying to get custody again after the divorce was done.

He is definitely on a power/control trip, and knows that this is something he can do to get under your skin.

I was able to move out with my son and not tell N/BPDxh where we were living for 3.5 months, and there was no consequence for that. I don't think there is much you can do right now except document everything while you're both living under the same roof.

It's hard, but the truth is that courts are blunt instruments when it comes to figuring out what's really going on inside our families. So they tend to prefer looking at your case once it makes it's way into the system, and that is a blurry lens at best. Unless it is flagrant, and I mean flagrant, they tend to yawn about things like this. I can imagine a judge thinking, "My wife had my kids lots of time without me knowing where they were."

It doesn't register as abuse to them because they don't have the context you have -- the abuse and mental illness. There may be a part of you that worries he is a flight risk, so not knowing where the kids are frightens you. But the courts don't see the whole picture, and will only see a small part of it once you start moving through the process.

It sucks.  :'(

You're going to have to get used to this.This is what happens when you divorce and have kids.I don't know what my kids are doing when they're with their mom,unless they call me and tell me.She doesn't know what they're doing with me,unless they call her and tell her.My time is my time,her time is hers.It's called "parallel parenting",not co-parenting.You can't co-parent with an unstable X,or else they'll want to demand that you do what they tell you,on your time with your kids.

If I find out that something unappropriate is taking place,I tell her,usually met with raging,but I document it.Nothing I can do unless she's breaking the law.Same for her though.