BPDFamily.com

Hi,

This question bugs me. My uBPDbf constantly tells me that he is an "open book" and that I am closed.

He also had this complaint about his last gf. The irony is that he really isn't that much of an open book because although he loves talking about his feelings he keeps key things from me (ie lying about being on dating websites, lying about contact with other women, refusing to tell me about his day with his ex f-buddy/friend etc etc) I know I am rather closed at the moment but that is because he has really hurt me - I do not think I am closed At ALL normally and I love a good conversation about feelings and psychology etc. Also he says I am not a "people person" when in fact the opposite is true.

Anyone else seen this?

Since you are feeling a little closed to him right now, why not go ahead and validate that. "Yes, I have been feeling a little closed off from you right now."  (We normally only validate their feelings, and not facts like this, but in this case his observation seems to be true).

It's not really an "accusation" if its true.   :)  It doesn't mean you are a withdrawn or closed off person in general - just right now, under the circumstances you feel vulnerable and lack some trust (with some good reason, which you can go into with him or not at your pleasure).  

I wouldn't debate his perception of himself as "an open book" - just stick to why you feel closed right now. 

And, in answer to your questions, yes.  Our partners have distorted perceptions of themselves and us all the time.     Don't let his perceptions define you.  Be confident in yourself.

Sounds like he could be projecting a tad, eh?

I like what briefcase said about how to validate him.

Thanks for your quick replies! Great validation tip Briefcase - in fact I have just said those exact words to him which validated him at the moment.

I think I phrased my question wrongly though - what I meant was that he has consistantly said this to me for months even though I have been open and at my best with him. That's what I meant really, when I have been talking and communicating with him he will still tell me I am closed. Nongf - I thought of projection as well - just wondered if it was common.

Just a few clarifying questions:

Has he said "you are closed and I am open" from the beginning of the relationship?

And if not and he just started saying this a few months ago, was there some sort of change a few months ago?

It sounds like in his own way, he is trying to say there is a communication problem, or is he just generically saying this as a criticism?  It sounds like you are taking it as a criticism, so I am assuming that his context is critical, but just wanted to clarify.

A couple of things probably going on here.  Projection for sure b/c he himself withholds personal info from you.  Also, your recent turning away from him d/t being hurt is probably upsetting the normal pattern in which you are happy, open, and nurturing.  It might be harder for him to get his needs met/mirror with your current state and he is uncomfortable.  If this is the case, he needs to sit with his uncomfortable feelings.  Validate his discomfort, but also take care of yourself if you need emotional distance.

Thanks Rosannadanna - you always have good insight on the boards.

I appear to have tied myself up in knots with this question! What I meant was that he has said this from the beginning of the relationship and I know that I am an open person with him and many people have told me this. 

My recent 2 weeks of closedness is a different issue really and we have spoken about this. It was the fact he thinks I am closed even when things are great that made me ask the question. For a long long time I have been very happy and open and nurturing towards him. You are totally right though that he has to sit with uncomfotable feelings in this time.

Thanks :-)

Actually this is the only trait my uBPDh doesnt distort. I am completely open and honest so I think he cant even believe it if he said it. I did ask him about empathy once in a conv. said he has too much. I said really? Almost spit my tea out from laughing inside! Sounds horrible but I really did not know what to say at all to that one! Thats how they want to see themselves then thats how they will!

Often a pwBPDs definition of things like openness and empathy are not as yours would be. The disorder handicaps their ability to fully embrace the concepts, so the definitions are often just words, they cant live it and as such dont truly know it.

They hide things by nature, to them that is normal, so they expect you to do the same. They dont truly empathize with you hence they dont believe you truly empathize with them.

This is a generalization of course as not all pwBPD are impaired to the same extent. My partner seems to have a degree of empathy as long as it does not cross any self interest then it is overridden by self need. This leads to a double standard whereby , for example, she will empathize if XYZ does something to affect you. But is completely blind to her doing the exact same thing.

Once you learn to see this for what it really is the easier it is to live with and not let it bother you. There interpretation of feelings can only be judged against their own ability to feel them not yours.