BPDFamily.com

There’s been a bunch of posts in the past couple days about people’s pwBPD jumping into the next r/s within a matter of weeks and many who have gotten engaged within a matter of months.  I’m one of them.  This is related to that.

I found a blog written by a pwBPD.  No idea who she is.  She writes articles about her experiences with the disorder and therapy.  There was one article she wrote in reference to Object Constancy.   Essentially she writes that when it comes to people/rs “out of sight out of mind”.  There’s also an assumption that anyone they are with are doing the same to them (ego-centric).  Likewise there’s an issue with context.  Though she remembers events she has trouble “holding onto the sentiment of [them],” and conceptualizing that these events are connected.

She writes, “How attached are things, moments in time, events, really? How does it feel to be so strongly bound by sentiment that you feel indefinitely connected by a series of things? I simply don’t know.” 

Jesus… I have no idea if my exBPDgf struggles with this.   If she does it explains a lot.  New bf in 2 weeks, engaged in 3 months after 4 years with me.  For months I’ve been struggling with events, remembering the sentiments and emotions behind them.  Analyzing the timeline and replaying how everything transpired.  Her words, promises, attention and what they meant to me.  The words I spoke, plans I made, promises I kept and everything that led to those individual moments in time.  I remember the instant we came upon the conclusion of what was to be our wedding song: the joy and tears and watching the video repeatedly that night. 

Meanwhile, if what this blogger says is true, my ex remembers these things as if they were stories told to her by someone else.  Probably relates to that last paragraph on an emotional level less than those of you who have just read it.  I have such a hard time wrapping my head around this concept.  It makes sense as an explanation to the why and how all these things that have burdened me could be so easily discarded by her.  I’ve read the words, “they don’t operate the way we do,” countless times.   I’ve written them to others here.  I think that this article just drove it home further.  I’m still bitter at the unfairness of it all but there is some solace in understanding the how/why of it.

Thoughts on reading this pwBPD’s blog…  One could argue that we’re all a bunch of masochists.  Reading that blog has, at times, felt like self torture.  It has invoked this huge battle within me.  It humanizes this pwBPD.  I feel compassion for her and her struggles.  There’s a side of me that fights that with every word I read.  If I can be compassionate towards this author than I can be that way towards my exBPDgf.  I don’t want to be.  I want to hold onto my anger.  The pain is still too close.  There have been moments while I’ve been reading where I begin to rage.  I want to post on her blog.  Scream, “it’s no excuse!”  Rage at her.  Tell her to withdraw from the world so she doesn’t hurt anyone as that’s the only thing she has to offer.  I don’t do that though.  I wonder if I should be reading it at all.  Is it therapeutic or just looking for pain?  I’m so twisted around I don’t know.

Kahnighit

I feel with your struggles, these sudden mood swings are for me difficult to understand too.

You have compassion for your ex or the blogwriter. Do you have the same compassion for yourself, for your feelings, the anger, the pain?

For me it was on of the important things in my shattered marriage to learn how hard I was/am with myself. Nasty voices in my head, not accepting my feelings.