BPDFamily.com

Hi all !

im dooing a lot of reading at the moment, and i came to the subject splitting, in the lessons section. Especially the reply from A.J. Mahari. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0


Im trying to understand, what i been through - Understand the dynamics of BPD and relate them to the things ive experienced. And down the road, things make a lot of sence. But as i was the one in the relationship having therapy, and often took the guilt / and looked into my deepest. I can't overlook my own part / feelings. Here comes some detail, before the main questions.


After 2 months in my rela. I got anxtious. I haven't felt that way in about 4 years, since i quitted my drug abuse, and got a depression. I started in therapy, to find out, that my anxiety is related to relationships - and the fear of abandonment. It was at the same time, i experienced that my GF lost her new-love - or what i see it as now, began to devaluate my personality. I found out Later on, that my fear, is grounded in a trauma from the age of 3, where i was hospitalised - and my parents wasnt allowed to stay at the hospital. I cried my self to sleep, without hospital was taking action.

Anyways, i trusted my new gf completely - Until i found out, that she 4 months in the rela. was setting a freind up with a guy, that she eventually once had a flirt with - and this evolved further. But never physical.

After i found out, she brokeup, after an episode of vicitmization - and me demanded her to closing those doors, if we should be together.

we broke up 4 times during 12 months. Before break up 3, i confronted her with why she bad-mouthed her EX ( who she has 2 kids with ) so much. What was underneath this anger / Black thinking. And i furthermore, made it clear for her, that i found it very hard to play my role in this relationship, with my kid - every time we got together again, she started to obsess with he's doing ect. and at the same time, she took her distance and intimacy away from the relationship. I really tried my best of just making her do her thing, and stay calm - But at sometime i hungered for closeness / intimacy - And when in som way i made her aware of that. Typically it started a conflict - with blaming for me who don't accept her needs, what she did for me, how i was swinging, and how my reactions was unacceptable.

After this brakeup, she tried with her EX again, but where back at me 3 weeks later. She explained, that she had troubles showing voulnability, and i was the first to see right through her, therefore, she had to push me out of her life to regain controll - But she wanted to move forward with me more than everything. We tried again, slowly - but it quickly got back to me giving it everything, again. The last time, and the episode im now relating to the most. Something similar happened. 1 hell of a nice month with closeness, sex, transparancy, open emotions - Then it turned around. It was now problems with their old house. I tried to support her the best way, making her handle the things herself. But as we got around Xmas, and new-year. I was a bid sad, that we shouldent spend new-years together. ( Because of breakup, we didn't see eachothers freinds ) they where on both our sides - and at that time, i didn't care, we had to break that wall and involve eachother. But - i took to another city, as she didn't find it appropriate. When we got over new years. we didnt see eachother for a week. In her book - she needed to catch up, because she was behind schedule. I accepted that, even though my needs was to be more toghther. A week later, we saw eachother again. I remaind calm and didn't act needy. But in the night, i wanted intimacy after 3 weeks of none - but she was too tired. I was so frustrated. And eventually i got mad at myself that i couldent give her the space. Next morning, hell broke loose - and the conflict was there. i tried to talk it through, but it got worse. Eventually this ended with 14 days of silent treatment. And after that, i broke up because i was so emotionally devastad - took the guilt ect.


But how are theese fear of intamacy traits seen / Fear of abandonment ? She didnt come running again before she had breaken up with me ( the pull ) and in my fear of abandonment - i didn't take distance. i stood the ground, and tried to cope with my feelings. She said, that beeing close to another person, took her energy in stead of charing her up. Is this related to BPD ?

Fear of abandonment, do not make me run away - But stay - eventually giving more of myself that may be healthy, making other people crosss my boundaries. But how does this work with BPD ?

I wanted the intimacy so much, and the closeness. But it only came in the start of the period when we got toghther. Can problems with the EX, obsessions with problems - Mask her abandonment / intimacy fears ? She got very stressed theese periods - lost weight, wouldnt eat, migrane ect. Probably normal in some ways. But do BPD's hide this problems behind other problems ? she was high-functioning and not diagnosed. BPD is only my best explanation for some things.

Thanks !

Mind if I try?

I can relate to you on the fear of abandonment and also the loss of boundaries as a result.  folie

From  the BPD side of the argument is someone who is entirely not capable of being alone. They are not someone without the other to mirror. And they fundamentally hate themselves. Feel unworthy, whatever it is. So, of course, how could anyone else Love them? That must make us complete idiots to love them? So that makes us targets of their disgust and abuse. But they still need to have someone there. No matter what. To be alone is the ultimate horror. Essentially, every relationship for a BPD not in therapy will be doomed. Or will last as long as their partner doesn't finally give up and go.

And, they crush our boundaries, because we let them. And the abuse escalates. The more you try to appease them, the less they respect you, and it just spirals down the toilet.

It is better to be alone by choice, than to be in a relationship with a borderline, as you are essentially emotionally alone and a care taker with no hope of reprieve. If you read the boards of the long term married couples some 20 years plus, who did their best, the majority tend to give the same advice. My belief, they are more than correct. 

It's a very personal choice and owning your own fear of abandonment, also sets you free.

Thank you for the reply. :)

It's very helpfull to get some insight from others - Though it's very hard to describe another persons behaviour i personality in words.

If it in fact is, or is not BPD - im not the right person to ask, and labling people isn't my job - I got pointed in the direction, becuase of my experience, and somethings add up - other things don't. At first i saw it as a bit extreme, but as i read on, i read about high functioning / Borderline personality types - Who not are full blown PD's. Thats why i still read - furthermore, because this forum has some good reading, in understanding abusive dynamics - and also inlightening our own part in th so called dysfunctional dance.

My ex. did also have a new substitute on the hand when leaving - if it was only dating og chatting didn't matter - but she always had a new one lined up. Ex housband ect.

I didn't know much about her background. But what i came to know in the start, was how badly she was been treated with her ex, how the good mood changed when he entered the room. How he demanded things of her, and how badly he talked to her. She was never given compliments ect. Perfect victim, i should have seen  red-flag - but i gave her my fully empathy. What i came to learn from her brother, was that her housband did everything he could, and he was a good down-to-earth person - who worked around 60 hours a day, so that they could afford the things she wanted. Never was at dinner at her parrents, but met them - got told she always was btchy about something, when i got invited - but didn't know that.

Nevermind, im just trying to clarify if it's possible for a high-functioning or personality type BPD to mask her fear of abandonment as outcomming problems ( work, ex-problems, family problems, freind problems, physical pain ect. ) - It was never something that got into the light with words. Just trying to figure out how the shift from intimacy to fear of abandoment would look like. ?

Have any others experienced zero tolerance to conflicts or frustration from you ?

In my own case, it was through therapy that I feel that fear of abandonment may be an issue for myself. However, it was not a PD. Child hood trauma at the hands of my father. Pretty bad for a little kid to deal with. He was also a rager. We don't get along.


Depends what it is. Conflict doesn't frighten me, but I won't be raged at nor allow my thoughts and feelings be dictated to me. I had allowed my partner to  pretty much turn my thought processes upside down with the raging and insanity. I was in a very bad place for a very long time.

I am not a therapist, I have only my experiences and point of view. And it too will be colored by my own background. Bias.

Observe as dispassionately as you can the actions and see how the words align or not, then make your choices accordingly. Emotionally, that is extremely difficult. Decide whether or not the situation or the relationship is important enough to you. People make mistakes, sometimes they are truly nothing but honest mistakes. Others, it is very willful and deceptive and the intent is to cause harm. Others, i.e. BPD, it is completely instinctive denial in the face of the evidence. Two of the three you can reason with, the other not.

Thank you to ask that question. It just clued me into something else as well.

Others, it is very willful and deceptive and the intent is to Control.

Unpleasant what can come up when one focuses.