BPDFamily.com

I'm just curious.

I wonder if our own slight-brokenness has maybe led us to find people who are slightly broken too?

I had OCD as a child and severe phobias (missed schooling, had a phobia of germs and vomiting).  Tics as a teen and young adult, not tourettes level, but linked to the OCD.  Breathing tics and certain movements I would have to do with my hands for my world to feel ok.

Depression as a uni student.  And ongoing anxiety for most of my life, linked with both the OCD and depression.

It's all ramped up loads lately and I am getting an assessment done in a weeks time to see what can be done :)

I wondered if anyone else here had any issues from before they met the person with BPD?

1) Do you feel you were drawn to them as they were slightly different too?  I always felt not good enough for a complete, whole, healthy individual.

2) How has stuff been since the split - better or worse?

3) What help are you getting?

I do, yes. I myself have always dealt with depression, anxiety, low self worth, emptiness, fear of being alone, and maybe some minor body dysmorphic issues too. I think what drew me to her was how immediately accepting she was about everything about me. And she made it clear that she was "so ****ed up", so in comparison I guess my issues felt minor. And that was very comforting and not at all scary at the time, for some reason. It was so nice to be accepted and feel so needed. I felt like being with her "fixed" me. And now I am again broken and wish I didn't know what I am missing. 

Can relate totally!  About feeling like our issues were minor in comparison... .

Oh - and I haven't been diagnosed with body dysmorphia, but my brother has, and I think I have it at a mild level.  I never felt good enough for anyone. x

1) Do you feel you were drawn to them as they were slightly different too?  I always felt not good enough for a complete, whole, healthy individual.

I do feel drawn to them as I thought she was different than everyone else I met. I was surprised with how easy she accepted me as others always took a while before accepting my sturdy behavior.

However, when I met her, I was on the top of my level, professionally and educationally.

2) How has stuff been since the split - better or worse?

Worse. I tried to overdose on alcohol and pills thursday night and left a note. Ended in more tears and another date with the GP and shrink. I feel my arms and legs are cut off and I struggle the most with the fact that I don't feel 'whole' anymore and that beyond all, I see no purpose in life if I can't even hold a disordered person together. The painting black has been agonizing beyond belief. I just want out.

Diagnose? Depression and a severe burnout.

3) What help are you getting?

Shrink (on a hotline, and consult)

Paxil (for the emotions, however my latest suicidal tendencies are coming from this as i've been told)

Temazepam and Melatonin for sleeping

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain Harm... . I wish there was something I could do to help   xxx

The way this board helps me is as follows;

I see familiarity, when I read here, I don't feel alone in regards of my thoughts and the 'am I the crazy one' ?

I also see progress from others, but also decline. I see struggle, I see people breaking NC and even people who rebound. All lessons I try to learn from, as I also try to learn from your path mango :) Although I fiercely admit, if I had a button next to my bed i'm lying in to dissolve instantaneously I would do so without hesitating for a second.

Before the relationship I definately had some depression, but after the ending I had some clinically major depression.  Felt like nothing mattered, as if it made no difference regardless of what I did.  I believe that after years of being exposed to all the manipulation, lies, rages, and cheating, then an abrupt and confusing ending its normal for me to feel like a depressed dirtbag, I've talked about all of it for soo long to family, friends, and anyone else I could get to listen they are tired of hearing about it. Honestly, if I didn't feel awful after the end That would Not Normal.  Normal people have feelings and care about/for others, compassion for others, and are able to put others' needs before there own if they need to, BPD's are not able to do this.  Although when the relationship first ended I Know I Felt like I was going crazy, but I know now that I wasn't, I had just been enmeshed, manipulated, lied to, and exposed to crazy for soo long I forgot what normal was really like.   Its nice to get on here and be able to get what I want to say out and have people who are experiencing the same things understand what the heck I'm talking about. 

 Harmkrakow

Hang on tight, it's a rough ride. Too many here have been in your shoes, me too. We know the drill. One thing for certain, it does get better... . takes time though. Be gentle with yourself.


Yes. Empowering.