BPDFamily.com

I'm just curious how many of you had the courage to inform your ex that you know/suspect they have BPD and what their reaction was?

Once I got online and learned about BPD and knew that was the culprit, I immediately wanted to inform my ex.  Of course after further research, I learned that maybe that wasn't going to work due to the denial aspect of the disorder. Then I thought I should tell his ex-wife... . or maybe his teenage daughter who struggles with his raging to validate her and why he can be so difficult... . no, my counselor says it's not my place.  

I still struggle with knowing that he has a disorder which will inevitably take further victims and all I can do is sit on the sideline and watch quietly.  It's like I know a train wreck is about to happen and I can't do a darn thing to stop it. It just doesn't seem right to me.

I did openly ask my ex if he has a "fear of abandonment"?  Of course, he said "No."  I asked if he feels a need to pull away in a relationship when things get too close or he starts seeing faults in his partner.  He said "No, but he felt i pulled away in our relationship."  Totally not true but once again, they project their faults on us so I shouldn't be surprised by that answer.  Gosh, do you think he's going to be receptive to learning he has BPD?  Obviously Not!

I feel so sad in knowing the truth.  I was at a point whereby we were going to counseling together and I wanted to try to work things out but right about that time I went online and learned about this horrific disorder which robs us from having a normal, healthy relationship with them.  As I sat in counseling and saw him continue with his lies and deceit, I knew I had no choice but to let go... . it broke my heart.  

Am I the only one struggling with this?  

Yeah, I told her I thought she might have it (she even knew herself there was at least something not right about her). But she got mad at me for trying to diagnose her myself.

A week after we broke up for like the fifth time and I went NC, she calls my house phone and my mom answers. She tells my mom to tell me I was right, she does have BPD. Apparently she saw somebody and got diagnosed. Dunno if she's doing anything about, though. I'm guessing she's probably back in denial.

For me, there is no need to tell. She would deny every aspect of having BPD (w/NPD traits). She feels she can do no wrong.

Nobody likes to hear they are nuts or have issues, even if they have acknowledged the issues briefly in a moment of clarity.  I've found they want you to tell them they dont, its not that bad... . etc.

As regular folk we can say that we think someone has BPD.  It's really not our place to diagnose.  Usually goes pretty bad too since there's a huge stigma with mental illness.  Getting a label doesn't mean getting a cure.  We can get caught in that myth that once the label happens the person attends to it.

You can focus on behavior and things that concerned you - I'm sure there's enough there to keep the conversation lively - if he approaches you to talk the relationship. 

Suggested about 1 week into dating her (suspicion from a few months earlier into our friendship) after a lucid moment one night when she was trying to push me away.  She asked for the symptoms, I pulled up a website and read them off and she emphatically said "that's me!"  She asked what the treatment was and when I told her therapy she said she'd never do it alone.  She doesn't even like doctor visits and instead goes to clinics for womanly checkups.  For the next 1.5 months of dating her there was never any mention of it again. Then the day she left me for her new supply I sent her a text a few hours later suggesting "she seek help for her borderline personality."  A few days later during one of our conversations she mentioned that "you shouldn't tell a girl that if you want to talk to them anymore."  she knows she has issues stemming from physical and sexual abuse.

2 weeks after we broke up I was reading "When hope is not enough" (a book about loving borderlines) and read this one section that put me in tears for the first time about this situation.  I messaged her about realizing where i failed with her and she called to ask about and the name of the book which I reluctantly gave her.

However, we still talk and are on good terms.  She's apologized for hurting me and still harbors feelings for me.

Yeah, I read up on it and suggested it.

She agreed with me, broke down and found an online-test and took it on her own device.

She scored 29 out of 30 i think. She begged me to help her.

A few days later she changed her mind though, and said I was dead to her and painted me black.

Haven't heard from her since, it was six months ago.

Healingmyheart,

My exBPDw spoke with me earlier today saying how depressesd she was.   She went on to say that everybody hates her, including her mother, and that she doesn't know why.  She says, "I'm a good person, so why does everybody treat me like a doormat?"  I suggested that she pose a question like that to her therapist whom she has seen for several years.  She exclaimed that I think she is a psycho... . and went even further to suggest I was the crazy one.  I have never suggested that she is crazy or BPD or anything else.  If my situation is anything to go on, merely suggesting they talk to a therapist can set them off never mind suggesting they have a seriou illness.

Almost from the onset of our r/s did my uBPDxbf want to talk to me about how he felt. He would divulge little things every now and again and I now think he did it that way for fear of driving me away. He wouldn't have though. He talked about his constant anxiety, feeling empty inside, jealousy, fear of abandonment and panic over getting too close to somebody. A year into the r/s and after having experienced all of the above and some more he told me he thought he had BPD. I had heard of it but didn't really know what it was. It turned out a previous gf had suggested to him he had it. Then when he without warning left me and refused all contact. I looked up BPD and found this site. Me also, I wanted to tell him immediately and since he had mentioned it to me before I was hopeful. When we met to talk finally 7 months after this I told him. I listed all the symptoms and behaviors and he said that was him exactly.

Then no mention of BPD for quite some time but we started CT with a DBT/schema T specialist and she told me that he would probably qualify for a BPD diagnosis. However, it was never discussed in T. My ex instead started insinuating I was the one with the serious disorder, but without telling me in so many words. It was very unnerving and uncomfortable. One time not too long ago when we were arguing I told him I knew what the problem between us was even though he was insisting I was sick. He asked me straight out if I thought he had BPD and I said yes. He didn't respond.

It seems that it usually isn't such a good idea to tell them and that it doesn't immediately inspire them to seek treatment, as we are hoping. In our case he had already heard about BPD and I believe he knows he suffers from it. Still it is unbelievable hard for him to deal with it. In my last letter to him I suggested a place he could for treatment for his anxiety. I hope he goes as I know they test for all sorts of disorders but also BPD. If they offer treatment for BPD I am absolutely certain he would take it. He doesn't want to be the way he is but he doesn't really want for others to see his dark secret, the way I did.

Did you tell your ex they have BPD?

Yes, it backfired tremendously. I told her... she then acknowledged a few things. Then a few days later she told me she acknowledged to make it feel easy for me to 'drop out' and then she told me, i think YOU have BPD and YOU need therapy...

I told mine a few days after she had her final drunken messy night and tried to OD on Celexa at Christmas when I said we might be done but I didn't know. She completely acknowledged it and immediately started reading on it and rattling off all of these things she was reading on how to tackle it and improve and even started on a new medication. But then I found an email to her mother (yes I was codependent/controlling) stating she probably did NOT have BPD. So maybe like other things, they just tell us what we want to hear? I dont' know... .