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My uBPDW has worked three consecutive nightshifts with a combined amount of sleep of approx 14 hours in the last 84 hours and instead of relaxing, decides to go out to dinner and a night out(driving which is dangerous enough but also staying over at a friends for the night).  It appears that even what I assumed standard behaviour is no longer the norm... . She has been dysregulated with me painted black for a few weeks and this behaviour is getting increasingly worrying, we are both gonna be at her folks tomorrow for Easter dinner... . I think she will be falling asleep and this may be an intentional ploy as her mum is old school and tells her just to get a grip of herself... . At what point does this become a health issue, I'm documenting everything but now getting concerned about her ability to parent our kids- I had slight issues before but now these are becoming bigger concerns... . Any advice from those who have been nesting whilst I can sort myself out, (emotionally and financially)... .

Through a little research on the "hater phase" you dont need to point out as I now realise I am in the hater phase and therefore beyond the point of no return.  Time to start thinking about my/ the kids future in earnest.  My first few steps along this tunnel are about to be planned.

whichway,

what signs tell you that you are in hater phase ? How do you know if it is permanent or temporary?

Hi Wantoknowmore,

She told me on 15th March she wanted us to split up after I misguidedly removed my daily signs of affection when I realised it was always me having to make the effort, on 16th she got annoyed when I pointed out her inconsistent treatment with the kids' welfare and by 18th said she would never forgive me for pointing this out.  Since then she has spoken to me without compassion, as if removed with a harshness (on all but one occasion).  I view this as a turning point, but she could have just as easily chosen any other interaction. She has spent little time in the house in any constructive capacity... . Choosing to visit friends or when in the house, compulsively on the mobile phone texting and disappearing into Facebook etc.  I have reviewed our text messages which extend back to nov last year and the signs have been made clear.  My concern after a rage in January led me to find this site.  I think that my attempts at validation have actually brought about this extinction burst with escalating behaviour and I am now painted black in the hater phase due to her seeing me behave "stronger/differently".  My focus now is how we tell the kids and how I prepare myself on making the arrangements with the house/ contact etc.  think I'm off to the leaving board.

whichwayisup

In many cases hater phase is not permanent esp if it happens while pwBPD is dysregulated. When they get regulated, they start thinking rationally again. If damage to r/s can be minimised during dysregulation, there is a chance that r/s can survive.

This is true for me as well. You can to some degree mitigate the damage, and buy yourself more time. You will fade to white eventually. Usually... . but never as white as you once were. You can use that time to make the appropriate plans. You need to lead. This roller coaster doesn't end. It's an ongoing thing which gets worse over time.

Can you post a link to that worrying behavior thread?

She's trying to avoid you like the plague. If she can't do it physically by going out, even if she is sleep deprived, she's doing it mentally with Face Book. She's saying, "I've told you it's over, so there's nothing more for us to talk about". To add to what Satis said, it's a rolelr coaster ride but not just for her. You're on it too. The only difference is that one of the times it goes down, you may not come back up again.

Telling the kids shouldn't be too hard. It'll hurt them, possibly a lot but not nearly as much as it would if you were to stay in a home with that "walking on eggshells" dynamic. I'm still only separated but if she were to come back seeking a second chance (I seriously doubt this), I won't do it because our son is 3; too young to interpret anything more than the fact that we live in two separate places. On a hypothetical recycle, he'd be old enough to understand the negative dynamics of the relationship when it fell apart again. Not worth the chance.

Well I know why she was trying to avoid now - she's been cheating... .   I knew I wasn't mad!

Whichwayisup, I feel for your situation. Being with a BPD spouse will be challenging, and the r/s is a convulting mess of infidelity, lack of empathy and a whole trod of mishaps. Perhaps, the time is ripe for you to think of yourself and your children. I have read numerous accounts of them cheating after marriage. This is because they fulfilled their predatory instinct of hooking you up for good and once you remain loyally good they will took you for granted, and scour for new emotional feelings. Go NC and do please do something nice for yourself. We have a hard journey ahead. Be strong. Let her go... .