BPDFamily.com

I'll graduate from high school next year, but in the mean time, my depression and anxiety has worsened bad enough to start giving me migraines... .   Almost everything I hear and all the light I see bothers me. My non-BPD mother is managing her own medication that she's been taking for years for her anxiety (yep, I've got the genes for it!) and is usually my last place to lean for support during my tough time, but has bursts like now where she is completely unavailable for emotional support and echos my own bad thoughts, calling me "dramatic" a "hypochondriac" and "lazy", also she rants about how I don't do enough. Honestly I'm busting my chops just to get by, and I do far more than my sisters in the house. Most of the time I want to scream when I get over-stimulated by light and noise, or punch a wall, say something terrible, but I stuff it and holding it in like that comes out in bad ways like insomnia, worse depression, and sporadic anxiety attacks out of the blue.  I used to cut, but I've been off it for two years and for the last two years didn't have much of a suicidal urge, lately I get so overwhelmed that my old thoughts of suicide come back. They're angry little thoughts in the back of my head that say things like, "The rest of your life will be like this/You can't keep living like this/Your parents won't get out of their own slumps, maybe if you die they'll wake up."

Now when I say I have suicidal thoughts, I mean those that I mentioned, thoughts that my life will not get better and everything I've done up til now to help myself and my family is worthless. I don't mean that I plan on doing it though. I have had previous suicide attempts, my first being when I was 10, but I haven't done anything like that in four years. I don't want to die. That's why I used to cut, because I just wanted some darn control in my life. With all the control my parents try to shove on me, I don't feel like my body or life is mine. Again, I don't want to die, but still have these thoughts pop up and feel guilty about them. I've been to a mental hospital before, the hospital itself was okay, but my parents were both hysterical and when I chose to come back home they shovelled the blame on me like how could I hurt them like that, and BPDDad declared me "Satan" and tried to put me back in the hospital and disown me, saying I was destroying his family because I was an evil psycho.

So here's the tough part. I tried therapists, they just made more of a rift between everyone in the family and myself, the therapist could read me like a book but the problem was that BPDDad was the big issue yet he will turn his worst BPD rage, screaming til he's blue, at the mere suggestion of getting him therapy, and I needed medication, another thing that will drive BPDDad to his worst. My mother is on the fence about it, thinking that giving me medication at 17 years old will damage my brain, but is a soft yes for giving me medication at 18 next year.

I just want a band-aid solution until I face college next year. Outright calling the cops or telling another adult in the extensive family will cause a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge blow up and require me to drop everything just to get out now instead of later. It does look like I have a future if I stay, I'm just walking on eggshells til then and looking for help on a small scale. If I do need to go head-first into the commitment of fixing my problems and setting my BPDDad up for therapy, well, I'm nowhere near prepared for that this year. It's bad enough now that I need to set aside a time to prepare for that.

So about moving out. I don't have a car, or a license. I signed up for driver's ed this year. I don't have a job or my own bank account yet. My skills are medical and animal-related, I have a horse of my own that I care for alone, and want to take up a vet tech program nearby. I need to make sure my horse will be cared for, she has arthritis so I need to give her medicine for that. She lives on my (father's) land so her cost for care every year is just under 2k. I don't want to leave her with my father, so I could probably board her at a neighbor's that would bump her yearly cost up to 3k a year. Or maybe I could contact a help group for family members in danger of domestic abuse that would direct me to some pasture I could stick my horse on, I've heard of safe house groups that help the pets of people that need it. Also, if I can't get a dorm room by scholarship, could I go to a woman's shelter til I get on my feet? Does anybody know about how that works? It's sort of possible that I could move in with a relative, but they don't know anything about my situation or how my dad really is, and I'd have a biiig extensive family crisis if the relatives found out, I don't know if they can keep a secret like this.

I promise you right now it won't be. I've been in a wreck of a life like yours and gone on to travel 3 continents, make some great friends, excel at school. Your future life will be a picnic compare to this, hang in there.




Those are awful. I traced mine to ammonia and nitrates (so Windex and cured bacon/lunch meats). If you're doing a lot of housework you might want to look at the cleaning products you're using, and go on a natural food diet for a few weeks (just as an aside).


Did you see my post on being institutionalized? I think it's common for the "problem" kid to be dumped into psych services as a scape goat for the family. If that happens again, make it very clear the level of abuse you're facing and demand that child protective services steps in.


"Before you decide you're crazy, make sure you're not just surrounded by ___holes."  :)  I've personally found quality therapy and lifestyle management more effective than meds. You're in a huge stress position right now, and your response is typical. You can't change your circumstance, but you can try to work on how it effects you, and the chaos you choose to internalize.


This might need to happen. If there's physical violence against you or the other kids, you need to call the police or child protective services. Be mentally prepared that any hitting is breaking the law, and if he ruins his family life, that's his fault. The younger kids will be safer for it.


You don't need to keep this a secret. If your dad becomes abusive and you're facing homelessness, I'd say to turn to family and open up. It's already past the point of intervention. Like, right now (I read your story about him shoving you in the car after school). Anything he does to you should be anything he wouldn't be afraid to do in front of extended family. It is not the abusee's job to make excuses and protect their abuser. You don't owe him anything.


Here's what I did:

*I had 2-4 jobs in highschool (fast food type jobs). I managed to save up about $3000

*I got the cheapest mechanically functional car I could pay off in full, and insured it myself. Shop in the very small, very cheap compact range and you'll save on repairs and gas. Or look at urban campuses with good bus routes.

*The driver's license is the easy part. Really study the book and watch youtube videos for things like parking tips.

*I also over-loaded myself with extra curricular hobbies and clubs so I wouldn't have to go home. Try to cozy up to other classmates who have cars.

*As an adult, I don't recommend this to stable people, BUT I over-borrowed on student loans my first semester. This is not advisable to keep doing; however, it bankrolled my escape plan, so that is an option. Try to apply for any scholarship you think you might get.

*Try to see if your campus has work study programs, or jobs on campus in the concessions facilities.

*I wouldn't advise the shelter thing yet. It would probably be easier to find a college town with a bunch of kids looking for a roommate. There's always 6 hippy kids in a dumpy house who can't make rent over the summer. Look on the campus bulletin boards or craigslist.

*I picked a campus that didn't require dorm living, and rented my own houses and studio apartments. Sometimes they rip you off on dorm prices and meal plans, but it depends on the city. You might want to get on craigslist and see what apartment prices are looking like near your school choices. Living in a semi-urban or small city will be cheaper than trying to jump into housing in a huge city.

*Be very reasonable right now in your school choices. A state school with cheap tuition is necessary if you're not expecting a lot of financial support. Really rely on your advisors to keep your coursework lean and focussed. Any money you borrow will come back to bite you with interest in mid-life, trust me. If you want to go out of state, start off a community college first until you get residency status, then transfer.

I would also recommend testing out the campus mental health services. Most campuses have those, though the results might not be great (they sometimes use grad students as advisors). I had to ditch that and found a shrink with a PhD. This is a behavior problem that requires some "big guns" who know what they're doing. A lot of the tools are the same as are posted in the workshop pages, so please keep reading through those in the mean time.

You know, also, I've worked on college campuses, and the adults there have seen it all with bad parental behavior. Those teachers deal with thousands of students a year with all kinds of bizarre helicopter parents. Please don't be afraid to beg for help from your advisors, health services, etc. If you don't know where to start, go to the admissions advisors and ask for some resource pamphlets. If you show up and genuinely tell your advisor your household was abusive with a lot of mental health neglect and you need help assimilating, someone will mentor you.

Hi Coral, I have migraines too... .   I only see my family a couple times a year, and usually get migraines right after.  I get them going on for days, I understand how disabling they are and that it's not "just a headache". One resource that has literally saved my sanity is a LGBT clinic.  I don't identify as queer or bi but the clinic sees me regardless of my orientation, on a sliding scale (free if I can't pay) they have been the most patient and helpful resource for all kinds of stuff, they did my insurance enrollment and I currently see a therapist through the clinic.  You might be able to find a clinic like that in your area.

Feel free to PM me about migraine stuff, I've had my share of them. Like XL scents and chemicals are a huge trigger for me, lots of food triggers but I can manage all of those if I am not stressed.  Keeping a journal of foods you eat and when you get migraines can be very telling

For work ideas; how about babysitting?  Being a nanny was honestly the most fun job I ever had, I got to play with a kid all day while the boss was gone... .     If you have a creative skill and can set up an etsy that could get your mind off your living situation and bring in some income.  For your horse, maybe look into a boarding or share situation?  Network with as many horse owners as you can, maybe you can groom or teach riding as a trade?  A good friend of mine was given a airstream trailer for free by a couple who shows horses, they didn't need it anymore and could see she really needed it to live in.  All the horse people I have met have been very kind, don't be afraid to reach out!

I mention this as a last resort, because it certainly isn't an easy route but if you are having migraines 10+ days out of the month you may qualify for disability.  My clinic was really helpful with filing for state aid when I was too sick to work, I have never collected federal disability (SSDI) but a friend was on it through college for a serious learning disability. 

Hello there! I understand what you are going through. My senior year got very hectic and my uBPD mom got dramatically worse than what she was doing already. Believe me, once you get on a campus out of the house, you will do wonders. I'm surprised how much I have changed over one year. I am the most confident I have EVER been. My professors show high confidence in me and even say that I'm going places. You'll find some really inspiring professors, just watch. You'll meet tons of people too, some in which you can get support. Plus, becoming independent and not facing the abuse directly everyday is going to help you a lot. Of course, it won't fix everything, but please don't doubt about it getting better. I promise it will. Just wait and see. :)


1. GOOD FOR YOU! You should be extremely proud that you haven't cut in over two years! That's amazing! This is proof that you will survive and do better! You are strong and a trooper! More good habits will come, I promise!

2. All those overwhelming emotions you are feeling-you are allowed to. Hell, someone in your situation, it would be extremely abnormal and possibly unhealthy if you weren't overwhelmed. You have a difficult life. There are ways to try to cope with it and feel better. One way is to try to stay out of the house as possible. My little sister lives at home with my uBPD mom still and she works 25-30 hours a week. Now, I'm not telling you to work that many, that's actually kinda unhealthy for her, but either getting involves with a charity, club, or getting a job that gives you a reason to be out of the house can help a lot.

I like to go for walks when I get too upset. Definitely when suicidal thoughts come. Sometimes it's easier to walk things off, when you are away from anything that you can hurt yourself with. Try typing out a rant on how you feel. Sometimes it's easier to handle your anxiety when you type/write it out. It puts all your chaotic thoughts that were jumbled up in your mind into actual organization. You can work through it logically and figure things out a lot better then.


I am the same way right now. I have suicidal thoughts, but I haven't attempt in a long while. I feel my family is too dependent on me and I would never do that to all the numerous of people who know me, including my friends and family. Please don't feel guilty for those emotions. It is normal for a human under a lot of overwhelming stress to feel this way. It's the fact that you are doing so well that prove that you shouldn't feel guilty! Remember, you are human and it is okay to not be okay.

Committing suicide won't make your parents change. Definitely if they are the way you say they are, it might overwhelm them into becoming worse. What can make them change is you going away to college and becoming successful. They can't drag you down and you won't become what they cruelly claim. You aren't the person the claim you to be. You are a wonderful, beautiful, strong, and responsible person. You are just under a lot of stress. It will get better.


Don't worry, you are almost there. Once you hit 18, it will be a lot easier. A problem with therapy as a minor is the whole parent guidance. Once you turn 18, you can independently find your own therapist-away from your parent's manipulation- and get the help you deserve. I started seeing a therapist on campus for free and it has done wonders for me. I've also tried some anxiety/anti-depressant medicines. My college's nurse has been helping me a lot with prescribing. My parents have no idea that I've been trying different medicine. One year, and you'll be an independent adult. Just stay strong until then. <33 You are almost there!


Okay, here's a few things I recommend you trying.

1. Try to get a part time job. Apply EVERYWHERE. Believe me, it will be worth it. Definitely check out some animal hospitals/pet supply stores. Even sweeping the floor is something. Since you said you own a horse, I'm guessing you live in a rural area? Maybe try asking around at the different farms/ranches if they need a little extra helping hand. It might be a bunch of odd jobs, but any penny saved helps a lot.

2. It's okay to not have a car. I don't have a car either. I'm at college, so when I need to go somewhere off campus, I normally find a friend who will. If you go to a bigger school, I there might be some public transportation that can work. I take the train home, so that helps with the distance. Don't worry about not having a car. A lot of freshman typically don't need one-aka why some colleges don't allow freshmen to bring cars. With your license, try to find some time doing that. If you still have time, you can see if you can get a reduce price at your high school (if your high school has Drivers Ed). With your situation, you might be able to get a reduced price. You can check out deals with some of the local driving schools. Once you turn 18, you don't even need to take any classes to try for your license. No permit or anything. As long as you pass the written and driving test, you are fine. That is another option. :) Although the classes do help.

3. Are you already set on a particular school? If not, I would recommend trying those small-private schools. Believe it or not, those might be cheaper than some public schools. Yes, at first glance, they have high tuition, but these schools give out A LOT of scholarships and financial aid. My private school is a lot cheaper than it would be if I went to a public school in my state. At my private school, I got a huge scholarship (and I didn't really do that many things in high school... .   ) and they gave me more financial aid than the public school. Small private schools=less amount of people at the school=more financial aid for you. I would seriously try checking out some of the smaller schools, if you still can.

Thank you, I'm always surprised how caring other people that have been in my situation can be--- I look back at what I wrote and feel embarrassed but then greatly appreciative of the feedback.

It didn't hit me before, but looking at job ads today I remembered that there are places that very much want a live-in barn helper for horses, and some could even let me board my horse there for free! THAT would be FANTASTIC, to live right up next to a stable with my horse there and be paid to do what I like, which is caring for horses and stable management :) I'm going to look into a few live-in stable positions and ask if they would help me with transportation and provide space for my horse. I remember I couldn't apply for most of the stable helper positions last year because almost all of them wanted someone to live on the property (for horse owners of a large stable, we prefer to have someone on site to care for the crazy stupid things horses get into on a daily basis) and see if they would allow me to have times off the property to attend college classes (if I'm lucky, they'd lend me a car for that purpose). I'm very good at handling horses and am a fairly good rider and trainer at my age. My autism allows me to see things the animals do that other people don't usually see. When I was five years old my mother and the zoo thought I was an animal psych and the zoo tried to seriously hire me when I was about twelve years old because they though I was sixteen x) Whatever I do in life, definately sticking with animals.

I'm glad your mood is lighter, Coral.  So many of us didn't figure out our parents' problem until well into adulthood, I wasted years trying to gain my mother approval.  My advice would be not to tell your mother you are job searching, tell her after you find the job.  Maybe take the same approach with college applications (my mother talked me out of applying to the school I really wanted to attend)

That is great that you know you want to work with animals, there are lots of programs for kids and adults with animals, there is a school in my area that helps people in wheelchairs ride horseback, so they can feel legs moving under them... .   I've seen people so happy from this.  There are lots of animal behavior jobs. 

One last thing, do you currently see a Dr. without your mother?  Maybe your Dr. could direct you to medical resources or sliding scale therapy.  If you are a minor and concerned that he will talk to your mother you could phrase it like a "friend needs therapy but can't afford it".  Most doctors really want to help people. 

*mod*

You are all so very kind to offer suggestions to offer support.  Please be mindful that she is a minor and legally under the care of her parents.  The care and concern you have expressed will no doubt doubt bring her back here when she turns 18.  Other online support resources have been provided for her in the interim.