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Howdy,

Initiation of contact - normal

Last month my ex contacted me and started to try to get my attention back. The usual path with talking about the loneliness and exploring if I've found someone new and some compliments. Now I find nothing odd with this. Any person who would try to reconnect would probably walk this path and tread carefully.

Bringing up that we had a disastrous relationship - normal

I gently explained that any contact would eventually evolve into stumbling on the relationship problems we had and that it needed to be dealt with somehow. The Pink Elephant needs to be pointed out and dealt with. Perhaps not at once, but after some time.

Reflection of the problem red-flag

Here's where the fun began. After continuous more attempts and at the same time ignoring my demand. Eventually it was brought up, I simply refused to engage socially without my demand being at least discussed.

My ex would say it's both faults in general and that it was a communication issue. Now here is where the dysfunctional things came up.

- Consequences of ex's life incidents, I was blamed for not covering. (I'm responsible?)

- My ex can't pin-point anything where ex is to blame. (So it's not boths faults?)

- My ex started to explain to me what I felt and my opinions in certain situations (?)

Conclusions

Now if I would draw a conclusion of this, it would be that my ex CAN'T take responsibility. This basically mean any relationship with EX, me or anyone else is screwed. Simply because one can not be 100% at fault. It also explains a lot of the anxiety, anger and eventually rage that came with the relationship.

My Reflection

If I put myself in my ex shoes and would feel that my partner is ALWAYS sabotaging, cheating and lying. If my feelings always betray my intellect. If my selfworth is so low that I take everything as criticism. Well... .   then I'd be doing the same thing.

I sincerely feel sorry for my ex. I wouldn't want to walk a mile in those shoes. Not even a few feet. It must suck big time to feel ___ about myself all the time.

At the same time, we are totally equally worth. I should be allowed to make mistakes, be clumsy in discussions, have my own interests. Just as I have to take responsibility for my own well being and say NO to a person who drags me down. I have to admit. I've been too weak in this department. I have not been honest with myself when I lent a hand. I expected things in return. That's not lending a hand, that's putting someone in guilt.

excellent stuff