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I was watching tv last night (Nashville, I think) and one of the characters said something that I wrote down. Thought I'd pass it along. 

"Sometimes we spend so much time keeping out the bad that we end up missing out on the good"

Nice words and exactly where my thoughts are right now! I posted on the dating board sonething about this. It's important to risk sometimes. I can be pretty hardened and I can push people away. I did it with my BPDex at times- yes I pushed him away. I do it through fear and through insecurity.

There are lots of bad people out there. We should trust ourselves to let the good ones in. We have to open up to do that.

Is there somebody you want to open up to?

LOL ... .   nope ... . Honestly I wasn't thinking about dating when I heard this ... .  

For me it was about where to focus energy ... .   Focus on all the bad in our past ... .   Focus on the stuff with our ex's ... .   Focus on our own short-comings and eventually that's all you see ... .  

Well, I think it's true both ways. Been realising the past few days that my boundaries were pretty good in the end with my BPDex. I mean I kept those boundaries intact and walked away. I managed to turn stuff against myself though and at times key people on these boards criticise me when I tried to maintain a friendship with him.

I don't mean I'm right and everybody else is wrong I mean its easy to turn it all to black and white too much.

I have been focusing on my shortcomings and I am about to start proper deep therapy but part of that therapy is about accepting the good in me and celebrating that.

We should all feel ok about doing that.

Ps. Sorry, slightly over focused on dating right now!  :)

 :)

That's great is you are ready to date ... .   I truly hope things go well for you 

I could probably date right now but I don't want too ... .   I have a few projects that I want to take care of that are more important than dating ... .   I'll get around to dating again ... .   Or, as it always seems to happen for me when I'm not looking someone will come along ... .  

But i can see how you could apply it to dating ... .   Makes sense to me

 

So, there are at least two types of "bad and good", where we want to protect ourselves from the bad while experiencing the good. One is emotions and feelings. Another people.

I remember talking to a T about this, regarding living with my ex. When talking about living with my wife and how much I felt I needed to protect myself, I said I don't want to be living in the middle of a hurricane where I have to live inside a concrete building with peep-holes for windows. I want to be able to live with picture windows that I can look out and open to feel and smell the fresh air. With something that drastic, the best solution for me is to leave my wife. Which I did.

Fortunately, the real world isn't so extreme. What I've learned is that I want to be able to experience as much of the world as I can, while still being reasonably safe. I could try (1) become superman, emotionally and physically, (2) have inpenetrable armor--not practical, sounds miserable, and as the thread's title implies--will keep the good out the good, or (3) make my self stronger by taking care of myself and have defenses that I can uses when I am threatened--emotional coping tools (self-compassion, self-soothing) to protect my emotional self, and boundaries that also protect my emotional self as well as my physical self. I think we all realize that the correct approach is #3.

To allow ourselves to experience a full and rich life, we need a strong house and we need to maintain it--taking care or our emotional and physical selves, we need doors and windows to protect ourselves and belongings--our boundaries, and, because we will make mistakes and not close the doors and windows when we should, we need to be able to repair ourselves--self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-soothing.

AnotherPheonix  |iiii