BPDFamily.com

Back again after a couple of months away and my first post on the Leaving board.

My previous post was on the Undecided board and it was just before we went away on a 3 week trip to visit her family, Mother and 2 sisters, more than 1000 miles away.  We took my camper and drove there and back.

Previously, all the information I had about her family came from her. I was told often that she was brought up in poverty and in a totally dysfunctional, un-loving, abusive household.

What a revelation that visit was.  Nothing she had told me was the truth.

Her mother was the nicest person you would ever want to meet. I just got on so well with her and she was of the view I would become the new son-in-law.  Of course, all the family photos came out, hundreds of them. Photography in the 1960’s / 70’s was not a inexpensive past time. And here in the photos was the ex. All dressed up in the best cloths, nice shoes etc. , not a poor family.  I noticed that in the annual holiday photos, there was always the latest model car and a camping trailer (caravan), so it seemed to me that the family was never short of money ! And a nice home where she was brought up, where she lived since day 1, and only 200 meters from one of the best surfing beaches in Australia.

Mom talked about my ex’s father (who had passed away several years ago) in the most glowing terms, Jim used to do this and Jim used to do that. I came to the conclusion that they were always in love and she was missing him. Not a sign of a dysfunctional, un-loving household.  This was my ex’s first visit back home in quite a few years and I was surprised to see the welcome her mother gave her when we arrived. Mom is a plump, jolly, outgoing 84 year old. And Mom fussed over her for the 2 weeks we were there. Bottom line, mom loves her daughter.

As for the ex’s 2 terrible sisters, what a joke.  Both well off, married with a bunch of great kids.  Great manners, well educated, outgoing, talkative, all in all a great bunch of kids. (in their 20’s) A good sign that the 2 sisters were well brought up, shows in the children !

So to cut a long story short, all that I was told was a bunch of lies.  And I’ve been around long enough to be able to pick people, except pwBPD. (60 years)  In 2 weeks of living with mom, I would have seen the cracks if there had been any. What a revelation !

Being with the ex. for the 3 weeks, and being stuck in the car while travelling, was just great, we both had a really nice time together. I had made a point of not talking about what I saw in the family.


In my previous post, before the trip, I had said here on the undecided board, that this would be a test and that if we got along ok we would start living together again.

We got back home I we talked about moving in together and that went along OK, she wanted it. I was going to move into her place and we spent 2 days figuring out where we were going to put my stuff. Once that was done she said I could start moving my stuff in whenever I liked, so I said I would start with my cloths and things next day. I did stay over night that night.

Next day I went to get my things and during a break in loading up the car, I checked my emails and she had sent one about 10 minutes earlier.

“I was too hasty in wanting you to move in. I can’t do this. I still love you but want to leave things the way they are. I’m sorry”

I went and confronted her, got absolutely no sense from her. So I left, last words, “Jenny, you’re sick.”

It has been 30 days with NC.  Phone is blocked, emails are blocked. I’ve had enough. I’ve been down this track at least 10 times in the last 2 years, enough is enough. They never change.

MontyD

What a trip you had.

It's an illness.  The fundamental dynamic doesn't change all that much.  It can for us if we do some things making it less volatile and are consistent to not make things worse, and radically accept.  The emotional lability, the fears of intimacy and abandonment, etc those things take a huge personal effort in therapy questioning thinking, actions, and relearning how to approach the world.  So very hard to change those things.

Sorry to hear it didn't end well.  You tried.

I feel for you Monty.

You've ridden in a rollercoaster for 2 years, then get your hopes really high and then... .   nothing, a void.

Maybe she realized herself that by moving together she would just ruin things once again, and everything would become even worse than before? Maybe there was a ray of sense in her and she wants to spare you from more pain? I don't know. I was in a similar situation... .   after a good spell of some weeks, I thought moving together would work. It didn't. After 2 months I realized everything was much much worse, her behavior got really bad. I regret the decision to move, it made detaching horrendously complicated.

Hi KE151,

While I agree with most of what you said and sympathize with you in your past experiences, I disagree with just one point.


My experience is that pwBPD have no empathy and so would never consider my pain or feelings. No, this outburst came from within, and us on the outside will never figure it out. The biggest mistake we nons make it to think they think like us. We have empathy, sympathy and compassion and they have none of those attributes. Their thoughts and actions are totally selfish and come from some very dark place symptomatic of the illness.

Monty.

VERY well stated and exactly right.

Another thing I figured out with the help of the lessons and my own observations. My gfwBPD has no framework, foundation, structure, moral compass to construct her life on.

Things said yesterday mean nothing and are forgotten. You can bet “I Love You” today will mean nothing tomorrow.

Everything is done on impulse, nothing is planned.  I had one hell of a job to get on the road for the trip. Consequently their life is in constant chaos. Normal for them but for us nons, impossible to deal with or understand.

Every day is a separate, un-connected compartment where they live for a few hours. Tomorrow will be a different compartment not connected to yesterday or tomorrow.

They sleep well every night without a thought of you because you only existed yesterday and are now forgotten.

Monty.

wow Monty, you would think that after that trip and her saying 'yes move in'... .   would go great... .   not, seems like a typical pwBPD to do this. I am glad you have the strength to do NC and know that you deserve so much better, you are truly a strong individual. I wish you strength and support on your new path in life!

Thanks Vindi for the compliments !

If you do the lessons here, No Contact means NO contact. I read thru the posts here and it seems to me there are far to many people stuck in their grief because they are not fully no contact.

They cannot delete old text messages, pop on to Facebook to see what the ex is doing. This is not truly no contact.  I wish they could move on. Clean out the phone, block a few numbers and stay off Facebook... . And if the ex does get in contact, don’t hit the ball back over the net !

Once you get your head around the fact that most pwBPD cannot be cured or change, and they NEVER had any feelings for you, it is time to let them go, move on and DON”T LOOK BACK. 

They know what pain is, they are in it all the time. Pleasure and joy, they’ll never know. So don’t worry about if they are hurting or not because they lost the best person in the world, you don’t need to know.

Really, it’s not that hard.

End of Rant !

Monty.

well said Monty! you are an inspiration to all! and yes NC mean NC... .   and i guess fully accepting that the relationship is over, done, gone... .   alot of people have the fear of truly letting go.

Your words are inspirational, you've been thru alot and sticking with the lessons and coming out a stronger better person! :)

Hey Guys, I’m not that tough, I’m grieving !

But I’m not going to have my life dictated by someone who is mentally ill.

There are things I cannot get my head around still. 

How can all the wonderful times we had together be so easily discarded ?  I think most normal people would solve their problems so as the good times could continue.  We had so many good times but eventually I would be told “ I cannot do this any more, you’ll have to go ! ”.

She loved camping in our national parks and had bought lots of new stuff to make our stays away more pleasant. Now it all sits in the van in my back garden gathering dust !

This doesn’t make any sense to me.


Monty.

it will probably never make sense... .   yes, she discarded you, your feelings... .   sometimes good times are not enough... .   she probably wanted more... .   who knows she could just recycle the next guy, move on, but the old saying goes, (or something like this) you have to go thru the process of hurt, pain, grieving, etc about losing a loved one in a relationship, b4 you can move forward in life.

I know of soo many people (BPD or not) who can just up and leave one relationship and move into another, replacing people like they are batteries, not going a day without another person by their side, I know of 2 gals who have done this, they dump the person they are with, for many many years, to just jump into a brand new exciting relationship, or so they think, not caring of the hearts they left broken behind.

Monty, you will grieve, you are human, someday you will look back on all of this and realize this was the best choice you could make (not being with her).

Hey Vindi,

I have raised the bar so high, that the next guy is going to have one hell of a job to fill my shoes !

From breakfast in bed EVERY day, right through to a great meal every night. And that was for the days we were at home. We did live together for 6 months last year.

I know money is not everything, but it sure helps.  I have a great 35ft boat (SeaRay) we had spent weekends on and had a couple of trips away, lasting a week or more. And the caravan which she loved.

She loves her golf. Loves to win.  I taught her. I still play off 6. So the next guy will have to lift his game.

Also, I think it counts, I’m 10 years older than her, and brought up in the days when we were taught how to respect women.

I am confident I had done the very best I could for her.  All in all, I spoilt her rotten ! And I enjoyed doing it.

Monty.

I thank my lucky stars I never moved in with my pwBPD, even though she was constantly pestering me to. I knew it would've been nothing but hell.

Monty;

You dodged a bullet.  She did you a huge favor.

Moving-in would have been a constant cycle of abuse and crazy.

So many successful men have been destroyed (financially and emotionally) by these women.

NC is brutal. I am 7 months and still find myself trying to rationalize/understand the nonsense I put up with.

wow, Monty, your ex is going to have a hard time finding a replacement for you! you seemed to have treated her like a queen, breakfast in bed and meals at nite, that is awesome... .   wow you give her respect and treat her like a queen, and she just didn't "get it".

And i know money isn't everything, and yes, it does help. I know of close relative who was married, he gave his wife everything, paid most of the bills, bought her Prada pocketbooks, paid to have her hair and nails done... .   and after 13 years of marriage she just dumps him, kicks him out of the house HE bought for them. I am disgusted by her, and now, they are not even divorced and she has a new bf after a few months! posting pics all over facebook... .   yes, I am venting!

It seems to happen more than we know, people like yourself, treating your ex like a queen, and the queen acts crazy and all over the board, true BPD! yes, you have come far and I wish you the best on your new path, a stronger, healthier, happier man!

and Bondafc, good for you on 7 mos of no contact, it truly will get better as time goes on, I too wish you success on your new path.

thanks for the posts!

I did not like the idea of bringing up money but it is nice to have a little extra in your pocket.

I didn’t buy her all that much really, but when I was at the supermarket (yes, I did the shopping most of the time) and when the roses at the flower stall looked particularly good, I would buy a bunch for her.  Or I would bring her home a chocolate when I had been shopping, really not hard to do, just drop it into the trolley as you go by.

I guess I’m trying to say that she was always in my thoughts and to have a bit extra, it was easy to be able to do something nice for her.  It pleased me as well to see her surprised, I had told her in the early days that I wanted her to feel special and loved. Something she said she had never had before. Hey, she is now 50.

So, like I said above, I can’t understand why they throw it all away. And when she was in a stable state, she would tell me I was the best man she had ever known !

Monty.

Monty, i agree 100%, yes having a lil extra money always helps! and i can understand the topic of money, money is not everything, thats for sure, but a lil' extra does truly help, alot of us struggle with todays economy, so any money helps. For what you did with your ex, shows the real person you are, the lil' extra things that you didn't have to do, you wanted to do, the kindness, the caring, all that good stuff, who knows what she was ever looking for... .   I think with n/c now, it will give you time to focus on YOU and just let her go, you've learned a great lesson here, and that is detaching, for all good reasons, and knowing you deserve better, and from what you wrote, you have alot of good qualities to offer a woman. Take this time for you, to heal and feel better & know you are not alone!

It's sad when someone's fears are stronger than their love.

Sad disorder for the people who have it and sad for the people that love them. 

Monty it sounds like she knew you loved her and she loved you - her fears were too much though.

Exactly right GreenMango,

I always felt I was dealing with 2 people. There was this wonderful person who wanted to be close, and intimate and she was, then this other dark side rise up and take over and I was pushed out !

Bottom line:- The more she loved me, the harder she pushed me away.

Monty

35 days of N/C and I’m 300 miles away from home, using my laptop to get on line.

And I’m feeling good.

One thing I have discovered is that, when I get on line and read thru the threads here, it pulls me back down.  I start to re-hash what went on in our r/s especially when I read of others experiences similar to mine.

I think now that the best way to get away from these sick people with BPD, is to cut them off completely. Have nothing on your phone, stay away from any social media, and for me, I don’t think I’ll spend much more time here.

I’ll give it a couple of weeks and report back and let you all know how that works out.

I really want to be free of this mess.

Monty.

It's the coruminating on leaving.  Once you've got it out its important to continue to move forward.

Inventory board is the next step.  Focuses on personal stuff.

Boy that's a rough story... .   and it resonates to me on a few levels... . My ex never did that exactly to me but her twin sister did it more than once to different men and my ex did the exact sort of thing to the first guy she had a relationship with after me.

it's chilling to think this is possible... .   Makes me nervous to read it as I know it can push us to the borders of sanity at times.

It's one thing to understand that their fears can overwhelm them and all the understanding that we have in the world, I don't think can prepare us enough to not be very effected by this ice cold 'switch' that can go off.

The worst part might be not if they leave but if they come back.

Will we do it all again?

Hi Guys.

Back again from my vacation (?),  escape ! Now at 49 days of NC !

I think now I feel much stronger and the brain is working much better than the heart.  I have to admit that I'm not in the clear yet but I feel I'm getting somewhere.

For the first week or so, I missed her terribly, especially while playing golf, and eating alone in the evenings was not much fun.  I think I said above that I used to cook for her. There were lots of things I missed but slowly remembering the hurtful times started to out-weigh the good.

I did have a setback when I got home. There was a letter in the snail mail box !

" I miss you so much. I realise now the pain involved in not being with you isn't worth it. Can I see you ?"          Was dated 16 April.  A week ago.

Definitely went weak in the knees and sick all over.  So I guess she still gets to me.  I haven't responded.

So to sum things up,  strictly NC is the way to go, and get out of town, if you can.  It works.

There is so much work to do in the garden. That will take my mind off things.

Also, I feel that I can comment on the threads here without getting all upset. Reminders of my experiences weren't doing me much good.

Monty.

Monty, good for you in keeping the NC, and yes, it truly works, imagine if you did contact her, you'd be back to the same ol' same ol' and that is not healthy. Yes, keep busy, make a nice garden and stay focused on YOU... .   and she will probably try to contact you again, it may just be easier each day that you know you can do NC again, and again... .   and hopefully down the road, she will stop bothering you.

Great job you are doing staying focused on you, even though there have been some "bumps" on this road, you seem to be doing great in the end! keep us posted!

Hi Vindi,

There is going to be some bumps in the road ahead. If you remember, I was going to move in and 15 minutes later I got the push, car was being packed for the move.  I still have the keys and the remote for the front door, gates and garage. She hasn't asked for them back.

I intend to return them along with some of her stuff I still have.  I'm holding off doing that until I get a bit stronger.  She only lives 600 yards down the road, and I will keep away.

Back in Feb, she didn't know I had left town, and I guess she was trying to contact me. She had come to the house several times and had spoken to the neighbours and they told her I had gone away.  Thus the note in the mail box.

I would like to be 100% sure I won't fall into the trap again. As time goes by, the risk will become less.

Monty

Monty your steadfastness is helping me through my n/c. For me it's been 25 days... .   although I have more clarity now as time progresses, I still find that I am vulnerable and prone to asking myself why he hasn't reached out after dumping me? I have resolved to not contact him at any cost. However, in some quiet moments when the pain is too hard to ignore I can't help but wonder why he has found it so easy to not try and contact me?

Then again he dumped me even though 3 days prior we were discussing our future moving plans.

I really wish I was at the stage where this thought won't keep playing over and over in my head.

Monty your a real inspiration so thanks big time for that.

I'm Just checking in again and let you all know how I'm going.  55 days now of n/c.

Maybe this will help those who are struggling with no contact.

This last week has been really hard. My mind has been wandering back to the good times and how easily she would give them up. The promises she made to me each time we recycled.  How she could not live her life without me, how much she loved me, the best man she had ever known. 

At times I have been soo close to caving in and going to visit her.

When I have been thinking this way, I try to switch to the bad things she did. The coldness, no empathy, the remoteness, and the times I just wanted to give her a hug and she would push me away. God, that used to hurt !

I still have her phone number blocked, texts are blocked, emails are blocked, and there has been no snail mail.

I know I have to carry on, but it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  Some days I pray to God to give me the strength.

Monty

 

Monty,

I don't know what to say except that your not alone in this agony and the tricks your mind and heart play. I was 24 days n/c and my ex sent me two emails and tried calling me past midnight twice. Huge set back and it amazes me how destructive a force they are in just a simple communication.

Ever since that happened I'm a worse mess just trying to keep myself from doing something that I will regret. I'm praying too. Days like today its moment by moment but I know that this too shall pass, maybe not today, tomorrow or 4 months but it is a matter of time, everyone says that and I believe that. Just need to get through this one day at a time. 

Wish there was a magic erase pill I could take to wash him away from my memory but then again because of this all I'm able for the first time in my life to make sense of so many things in my life that I actually never dealt with properly.

Hallelujah!  Maybe that's the untimate purpose of BPD; to have us susceptible types go through enough pain to face the issues still hanging for us.  My ex BPD tried what I now see as a recycle attempt last weekend, 'coincidentally' on what would have been our anniversary.  Sorta malicious and definitely manipulative, and I still don't know if she knows consciously what she's doing, but after 8 months of NC, she can still shake me up with an email; I deleted and didn't respond, but the next one gets deleted unread.  The hooks we didn't even feel go in take a while to come out; pretty impressive if it didn't hurt so much.

Today she drove past my place.

She would have to deliberately drive into my street as it goes nowhere.

I didn't feel much at all.  Two weeks ago, I would have been in a mess.

NO contact works.  Time heals !

Monty.

|iiii


Way to go man.  Keep it up.

 |iiii see how strong you are! just keep that NC going, and going and going... .  nothing can stop you now!

Eight weeks and two days of N/C, and I sort of broke it. I sent her a text. But there is a story.

A very good friend of mine and also a very good friend of the ex's, ex-husband told me the other day, that the ex has been trying to reconcile with the ex-husband.  He has been in relationship (I hope strong) for a couple of years. This attempted reconciliation has been going on for a couple of months, not sure how long, but certainly before the trip we made to visit mother and the sisters.  This trip is outlined at the top of this thread.

The ex has been turning up un-announced and causing much stress for the ex-husband and his partner. They are aware of her BPD and what damage these people can cause, and just want to get rid of her.

The ex had told her ex-husband that she had gone on the trip to see mother but had gone alone and went by plane ! And she and I were only friends.

Well, if you need to lie, you had better have all bases covered.  The silly girl had left all the fuel dockets and receipts for food and accommodation etc in the glove box of the car. I gathered them all up along with some photos of us together with mother and sisters and gave the lot (some stuff I copied) to my friend to give to the ex-husband.

Next thing the ex-husband turns up in the evening.  Thank God I don't have issues with him, much bigger !  We had a long talk over some beers and I had told him that I was in N/C with his ex and he now seems to be the fall back guy.  He left on good terms, and much wiser about his ex and pwBPD.

So, today I sent her at text to let her know, we all know what she is up to.

Briefly :-  Some fool left all the fuel dockets for the trip in the glove box.

I gave them to ****, along with photos.

                 

**** is wondering how you were in flight and buying fuel on the ground at the same time.

We are all awake up to your lying scheme.

Goodbye   Again.

I think I may have made a new friend today.  The ex husband

Did I break N/C  ?

Monty.

Hi monty,

How ever good it must have felt sending her the text, you still broke NC. Not judging or anything, just saying. We all have been /will be tempted to do similar stuff, so don't start to punish yourself for this. But you opened the door for her, into your mind. And NC is about keeping that door closed.

But please, spend a few moments exploring your mind and then answer one simple question: Why did I feel like texting her? And maybe another way of looking at it: what did I want to achieve?

Asking these questions has helped me keep NC.

I was angry with her.  First time in almost 3 years.

After I sent it, I felt good. In the past, I put up with her when I should have been angry.  This time I let it out, and got some of "ME" back.

The texts and Phone are now blocked again. I feel I can move forward faster and get out of this mess.

Monty

I felt the same way Monty, angry!  There's only so many times someone can rage at you, out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, and not want, or be able to, talk it out and find some kind of resolution, except everything is my fault.  I only got angry a little at the end when I'd had enough, but a lot of anger was repressed I've found out and am finding out, as I work through my detachment.  I've fantasized about sending her a nastygram, which would feel good for a minute, but I now see her as a sick person, not a bad one, and adding to that pile of rage in her psyche wouldn't help, and make me feel worse eventually.  Sad all the way around, so I punch the crap out of my mattress when needed, and focus on me and my growth.