BPDFamily.com

My situation is a little unique, but i could really use support right now. I am a lesbian and my ex-alcoholic UBPD filed in family court to get joint custody/visitation with my four kids - D5,D3,D3,S10months. We were never married so my lawyer said she has no legal relationship with them but last year I made a very bad decision to lie, tell the hospital we were married so she could have her name on my son's birth certificate. I had been told be several legal organizations at that time that having your name on a birth certificate means nothing, doesn't give you rights so I felt pretty safe in doing it. She had threatened me regarding it and I responded. I attempted to change the birth certificate weeks after he was born and the hospital documented it. Sadly, the courts in my state haven't made a way for this to happen so i am doing to have to file in Supreme court after this custody issue.

I have been reeling ever since this happened, Jan 14th. We had an argument because my 90yo mom had to go in the hospital and I needed her to watch the kids so I could take her to the ED. She was too busy with her drinking buddy. the fighting escalated and in the end I took all 4 kids and my mom to the ER. She is NEVER wrong, and went down that Monday to file behind my back. The following weekend as I was trying to resolve the argument she told me she filed. I lost it and broke off the relationship. The day after I found out she sent me a letter saying she loved me and would drop the case. By the time she sent it, she had already blocked her phone and painted me black. It seems she had painted me black for most of the relationship. Everything was always my fault. I was evil (her words). Now its I stole the kids from her. My lawyer is $350/hr with a $2500 retainer. She has a smear campaign on facebook. My sitter was friends with us both but started sharing every piece of information with my ex so last week I had to let her go. It was hard.

I am wondering what the hell happened? I have put up with the drinking, absences, argumenting, name calling, and criminals, addicts and alcoholics in mine and my kids lives.

I am struggling with getting over her and my attachment. i KNOW that any contact is BAD especially with the pending court case. I also felt until recently i would still let her see the kids once this court thing was over, but she has said if she loses, she's done with them. I also have started to get angry that she is putting me thru this, including the financial burden.

I also struggle with feeling like she only used me for my kids. When we met, she instantly became very attached to my daughter, who was 10 months at the time. I really valued that. I figured in time she would come to love me. About 1 year into the relationship, after alot of push/pull, her leaving, dissappearing on drinking binges, and general cruelty while I was pregnant for my twins... .   she left me on Thanksgiving. I let her go. As soon as she found out an ex was in my life she came back, painting me whilte, promising the world. It lasted 6 weeks. Then i went back to black again and have been there ever since. She believes I bugged her car and apartment. Her drinking has escalated.

I am trying to get thru this mess. I am going to counseling, journaling, anxiously waiting until our court date April 17th, hping it will be over then.

The journals may help you in your battle.

I am sorry you are going through this.  I don't have much experience in this area, but I wish you the best.

She is probably a lonely person with a lot of problems, and she faces losing some kids she got attached to.  It is too bad she is a binge drinker and all that.  She probably really has no claim to the kids, but you still have to deal with all of this.

She has no legal claim to any children you had prior to the relationship unless you let her adopt them.  Probably the same for the children during the informal relationship.  At most, my belief (not professional, just peer support) is that the worst case scenario affects only the baby with the compromised birth certificate.  For that issue, I'll have to defer to your lawyer's conclusions.

What resolution do you think would be best for each of the kids?

Thanks for responding. My lawyer feels that she has no legal claim at all to any of them, even my youngest. I am trying to get the birth certificate changed, but it has to wait until after this custody claim.

What is best for my kids? Well, originally, I felt that she should be able to see them occasinally... .   I know she loves them. I am adamant that it be supervised, ideally at my home because she has no respect for my feelings. When i first mentioned this she was absolutely not, does not want to be "controlled" by me, even went so far as to say if she lost she would never see the kids again because she wasn't going to have me "hurting her" thru them. If it isn't evident now, I am totally split black. Her friends, family and contacts are all drug users, alcoholics, and felons. I was insistent that this particular addict, who she had cut out of her life entirely for 10 years but who reappeared right after my son was born, not be around my kids. She had them calling him "Uncle Dave" and he repeatedly wanted the girls to hug him (they come to his crotch height) and sit on his lap, especially when he is drunk. My oldest, who is now 5, was sexually abused by another one of her friends when she was 4.  Anyway, she practically lives with Dave and the last time I let her take the girls unsupervised was Labor day. She took them to my camp. I said that I did not want him out at my camp and no alcohol. I found out the next day that he and his crackhead girlfriend spent the night and they all got drunk. After that incident, i made all contact at my house.

We haven't lived together in years because of her alcoholism. i don't want my kids around it. I felt bad earlier in this and let her see the girls March 2 at Mcdonalds for 2 hours. It was a bad idea. She came over that night and we slept together. She told me again that unless the visitation was legal, she was walking away. Two days later, I got a blast of mean emails, calling me evil, etc. I decided at that point to hire my own lawyer (she has had one) and not let her have contact with the kids because I don't want them yo-yo'd like that. After I plunked down $2500 retainer for a lawyer, I started to get mad. I paid over $10,000 to have each one of these kids, i have fully supported them their entire lives, I hired babysitters to do anything because she was too busy or drunk, etc. Why should I give her any legal right to them?

In your scenarios, would you elminate the uBPD from their lives if you could? My kids are all very young (5d, 3d, 3d, 10 months son)... .   they will get over her in time. I am trying to be no contact, it is hard. I am addicted to her, just like she is to alcohol. Yet I have been used, manipulated, and hurt beyond measure.