BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I think my sister has BPD; she has never been officially diagnosed with it.  She once saw a counselor who gave her a questionnaire that indicated that she was BPD and Bipolar, but the counselor felt that it was beyond her ability to truly diagnose my sister.  That was about three years ago and we have not talked about her mental health status since then.

Since my sister was sexually/emotionally abused at 14, my family has know that she has dealt with depression (both before and since that trauma).  She has received help for it in the past and has been medicated for depression.  I have long suspected, however, that she is struggling with more than just depression. 

I started writing her "symptoms" here but I realize that maybe this isn't the best post to do that.  Believe me when I say that reading descriptions of BPD leads me to feel both a spark of recognition for my sister as well as a feelings of helplessness. 

She refuses to see a counselor of any kind for any reason.  My mom did get her to go to one session with a local counselor but my sister (who has a BA in Social Work) complained that the counselor didn't use "correct" therapy techniques and would not see her again.  To be fair, she could have had a bad experience, but I know that my sister's training in social work makes her savvy to the mental health system and I think she uses that knowledge to get around it as well. 

While my family asked her to go to counseling to help with her relationship and substance abuse issues, we have not brought up that she might see counseling regarding undiagnosed mental health disorders.  I'm not sure how we could do that, especially with BPD.  I don't want to help create a "self-fullfilling prophesy".  My mom thinks that my sister might have a more pervasive mental illness but still believes that many of my sisters decisions are within her control and that "hitting rock bottom" is the next step for her in order for her to realize she needs help.  I'm scared to think of what that might be for her.

Since it appears that my sister is not in a place where she is willing to seek help for herself, I am coming here to get help and support for myself.  This is the first time I have admitted to myself that I also need support as I have been one of my sister's care takers, often knowing more about her life than my parents.

If nothing else, it feels good to come here and write some of this down.  I hope that I can find support here and I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Thank you

Dear VTsister,

*welcome*

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have a daughter who suffers with BPD and I only hope that my younger daughter is as caring as you are. To come here to seek support for yourself speaks loudly for how caring you are. Reaching out for support is huge. Recognizing the BPD traits of your sister and your concern for her... .   simply makes me have goose bumps. In addition, you have recognized that you can't change her or make her seek help, but you can help yourself. That is huge.

You definitely can find support here. We are a bunch of caring people who support one another. In addition, we work together to learn skills that not only help our Borderline loved one but also helps ourselves. Personally, the skills that I have learned here I apply in my business, friends and my younger d. They are skills that apply anywhere.

What kind of support are you looking for? How can we help?

Being Mindful

Hi Being Mindful,

Thanks for the warm welcome.  I guess there are two kinds of support I am looking for.  The first is for myself.  Being the older sister, I have always had an impulse to protect my sister.  Around age 14 she started to become difficult to live with: strong emotions (not usually angry but very sensitive) and reckless behaviors that she would only share with me.  Being only 18 myself, I didn't understand why she couldn't see how dangerous it was to do the things she was doing and I also thought that she was telling me these things to get attention or even get back at me for something.  Sometimes what she told me would scare me enough that I felt that I needed to tell our parents, like when she used what little money she had on drugs and alcohol instead of food.  She also told me of times when she would "accidentally" overdose on a drug saying that perhaps it wasn't an accident and that she really had wanted to die.  I told my parents that I thought that she needed serious counseling but they thought that it was a behavior that she would out grow or that they could "reason" it out of her.  Only recently my mom has finally started to accept that my sister might have a mental illness.  Its been hard not to be taken seriously by my parents.  At the same time I've wondered if I'm the one who's misinterpreting the situation.

Over the years of being her support I have reacted with first anger, then by pushing her away, and now I'm working on accepting her as she is but also trying to understand why she is the way she is.  It's been hard being in this roll of always knowing what she's doing but not being able to help her and it's been hard on me.  I looked, but I couldn't find a discussion board here for family members that aren't parents, children, or significant others to a person with BPD; what would be the best group to join?

I also am here to get resources on how I can help my sister.  She may have BPD, but then again she might not; we won't know unless she can see someone for a diagnosis and I don't know the best way to bring that up.  As I mentioned before, she doesn't think she needs to go to counseling.  Despite major upheavals in her romantic relationships (In the last month, she left her bf that she fought with all the time, but then tried all she could to get him back, and is now sleeping with and going to move in with the ex's friend) and being without money or a job, she thinks that she's got life under control.  Sometimes I wonder if she's still just "young and trying to figure things out" but this has been the pattern in her life since she was 14.  Her ability to make positive decisions and cultivate healthy relationships seems to be deteriorating as she gets older. 

Last night I watched "Back from the Edge", the BPD video by New York Presbyterian on YouTube, and half the time I said "that's my sister" and at other times I didn't think that fit her.  She had suicidal and self destructive tendencies in high school but I don't know if she still does.  She has spoken about how she feels empty inside, but again, she hasn't talk to me about that in a while either.  She gets very attached to her boyfriends and few female friends, but they always end up leaving her which leaves her crushed and depressed.  She never had a "best friend" for more than a couple of years.  In the case of the boyfriends she "strings out the breakup as long as possible"; in fact, she is still in touch with most of her exes because she doesn't not want to have them in her life.  My family has never truly pushed her away, so I don't know what she would do if we "abandoned" her.  What takes up her life these days is "partying" and drama-filled relationships and friendships; she doesn't talk to me anymore about her inner feelings.  To me it seems like she is trying to avoid her inner life. 

I don't know if indicates that she has BPD but I know that she struggles with life, relationships, responsibilities and emotions.  My best friend has a Masters of Social Work, works with at-risk teens, and has known my sister her whole life and she believes my sister is bi-polar or has BPD or both; just like my sister's counselor suggested after my sister took a questionnaire a few years ago.  Of course, my friend is not specifically trained in BPD diagnosis nor was that one counselor my sister saw.   I would like to be able to help her get help if she wants it but I also need help to get through it when she refuses help. 

Sorry if I ramble.  Got a decade worth of stories and emotions inside. Thanks again for listening! 

Hi VTsister,

*welcome* Glad you're here but sorry things are so tough with your sister right now. You are not alone here-many of us can relate to trying to help our relatives through the suicidal and erratic behavior and relationship struggles that you see in your sister. I don't know if you've seen this video, but it talks about the signs and symptoms of BPD. It's very helpful as you start out here. Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder? (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-what-is-borderline-personality.html)

There's also workshops, articles, and lessons on these boards that are really helpful. Also, just want to assure you that you're welcome here whether or not your sister has a diagnosis. :) How are you doing at taking care of yourself while helping your sister? How much contact do you have with your sister?

Take care, dear one. You will find much support here. Sending you lots of caring for your day.