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This is what always happens, and ultimately, I believe this is the reason why it has been so hard for me to completely cut contact and detach.  Without him in my life, I feel empty.  Like I am worthless. Like I don't exist.  This feeling is worse than all of the drama and anxiety that I felt when I was in contact with him.

I can't stop crying.  I can't do anything.  I feel like this feeling will never end.  I can't stand how I feel, and I don't know what to do!

My dear PM10

You feel empty. We can understand, hell, I feel empty. Empty beyond empty. Heck, I actually felt so empty that I got myself into a depression and a burnout. Meaning, all sense of life for me ... . has gone. And if I can do something I hope you don't hit that point.

The reason why you also feel empty, is because in the final moments of your relationship you made yourself codependent on your partner. What is codependent? Well, that your life was basically HIS life. Your happiness ... . your joy ... . your feeling of satisfaction depended on HIM. Now you are all alone, and 'shockingly' all out of a sudden it's just ... . you. Alone ... . and life feels worthless. Like you are not worth a bloody thing and you might (i assume) ache for a bit of validation. That you exist, that you are someone who should be loved, and achieve attention from others.

Since the end of a BPD break up is always nasty (smear campaign, raging, loads of bollocks and BS, lies, and so forth ... . ) there is a lot of pain involved. Loads of pain. This already adds to the misery. And to add to that, a break up with someone with BPD has no closure. Because BPDers are emotional immature. They don't give you time or space or answers (logical/rational ones) which can help you to grieve. Meaning, your lost with questions and no answers and immense of pain from the person you loved the most!

So my dear, dear PM10. It is perfectly normal that you do feel empty. That you cry. You can cry for hours. At work, at home, at family, at friends. The important thing, is to let it go. Face it ... . process it. Grieve. It seriously hurts. Cry, seriously, if not for yourself, do it for me :)

So the question is, what do you desire? What do you want to do? What is it? 

Watch this video :)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLD0P372xxQ&&hd=1&autoplay=1&fs=1

You are withdrawing from an enormous toxic withdrawal of something you considered the best thing ever in your life. Unfortunately, it was a mixture of lies, cheating, weirdness, irrational behavior and just a load of bollocks. That's just sickening and all that stuff is now getting processed through your brain and physical body ... . meaning ... . withdrawal behavior... . meaning ... . crying ... . (maybe even puking) ... . feeling disgusted ... . low self esteem ... . the whole world seems to collapse ... . and he seems to continue ... .

Please keep crying ... . let it all digest through your body. It's not emotional immature to cry endlessly. You are going through a rough patch.

What I do advise is that you shouldn't is avoid it constantly. Because these emotions will eventually haunt you back. It's one of the reasons why we aren't BPDers ... . and they are. Because they didn't process the things that has happened to them in the past ... .

PM10,

I can fully associate with what you are feeling. I have gone through the same thing recently and I still have my "moments"

I literally had to bottom out first before I could see the little ray of sunshine peeking through the hole of the black veil that covered me (almost to the point of smothering me).

I am not walking down the street singing and dancing, but I do have a little more hope today than yesterday. Please do not isolate yourself away from your friends and family. If you are able, please do not hesitate to seek professional help either. There is no "cure" but there is "help". You can make it through this.

You made an excellent choice to open up on to this board. There are many wounded souls here who have experienced similar circumstances. So, know that you are not alone. 

harmkrakow,

Thank you for the reply post. I have never heard of Alan Watts. Im glad I did. Interesting perspective.


- TUT

harmkrakow,

Thank you for your post... .   it was very insightful and helped me.  For some reason today I'm feeling really blue.  I was just thinking the same thing that the this pain now is just as awful if not worse then the roller coaster ride of BPD.  I guess the difference is that this pain should hopefully go away whereas with BPD as long as its in your life will remain truly destructive and very painful.

i feel the same. And, many times I also feel very angry with him and his reycled exGf. So I cry, feel the rage inside, then I cry again... .  

Thank you for your replies.  Sorry to hear that some of you are feeling the same way. I wouldn't wish this on anyone! 

I wish I could feel anger too, but I just can't.  I don't think I ever have!  I only ever feel hurt.  Never angry- in ANY situation.

I am thankful to have everyone here to turn to.  I don't really have any friends with whom I can discuss this.  No one was understanding that I stayed in touch with him, so I haven't told anyone that I was still in touch.  So I have to do my mourning I private.

Again, you are not alone on that one either. I actually went through that 2, as no one understood it really why i would stay in touch with such a person.

Ur welcome, the video shows indeed a interesting perspective. Sometimes it's just good to sit, watch and listen and really ask yourself, what do you desire?