BPDFamily.com

Just a gripe... .  

Seemingly out of the blue, sometimes my BPDh will just start ignoring me and anything I say.  Last night everything was fine, he was not raging or "in a mood".  He took the dog for a walk and when he came back he started watching t.v.  I started telling him about something (not important), just something that happened during the day, and it was like I was talking to a wall.  He just sat there staring straight ahead at the t.v... .   like he was deaf.

This happens alot and most of the time I just move on without making a big deal about it.  But last night, I couldn't stand it anymore.  I went over to him and just sat next to him, staring at him until he looked at me. 

Him:  "What?"

Me:  "Well, I was talking to you and you didn't acknowledge anything I said". 

Him :  "So? Did you ask me something that required an answer?"

Me:  "No, but it is polite to make some acknowledgment when someone is talking to you"

Him:  Silence

Then a few minutes later I said, "I'm going to take a shower" to which he replied loudly and sarcastically "OK!"

I guess it's an understatement to say that I just don't get it. After 30 years, you'd think I would have a better understanding of this disease. Of course, though, if I don't answer him in the right amount of time (the "right amount of time" being a matter of his perception), then he yells and screams. Sometimes I wonder, though, if it is BPD or him just being a jerk?

This is frustrating.  Maybe try prefacing your comments to him with "I'd like to ask you/tell you something.  Is this a good time to talk?"  It requires him to give a response, and to commit to the conversation one way or the other.  If he says its not a good time, ask him when he'll be available to talk.  And, then hold him to it.  Hope this works to change things up a bit.   :)

Hi Maryy16,

I share your frustration my uBPD/NPDh is the same; he requires full eye contact and attention when talking with acknowledgement even if its a retorical question, the most annoying one is when he asks questions that only others know the answer to ( like why did they do ... .   ?) and expects me to know when I couldn't possibly ( of course he is a mind reader and claims to know everything about everyone lol. He also has the time limit thing, he used to accuse me of lying if I didn't answer instantly although he changes the subject when he doesnt want to answer and that is deemed reasonable. When I talk he carries on with what he's doing and when I complain he says I go on too long and he's busy, often I don't get to finish a sentence before he interrupts with something totally random and unrelated.

I have accepted if I want a proper conversation just to call a friend while walking the dog (he can't interrupt, shout out and show off like a child then which he does if I attempt to talk in the house) It is always all about him,no matter what, it relates to him somehow ( that's the narcissist ) The other day I had an important stressful day of assessment and interview, he picked me up and spent the whole journey telling everything that went wrong with his day and not one mention of mine... .   until about 6 hours later when he indignantly informed me I hadn't told him anything, I said "you were busy moaning and didn't ask so I presumed you weren't interested" I then got a lecture about how he'd gone out of his way to give me a lift although funnily I wanted to get the bus and he insisted on driving me.

I guess we have to accept this is how it is unfortunately, infuriating I know but what can we do? Maybe the ignoring is part of that disassociation thing when they zone out and they don't actually notice what's going on around them so the response is deflect ice because they weren't listening.

I find when I say beforehand I want to talk to you or tell you something he behaves like a child who's uncomfortable hearing something and plays with the dog or fiddles with things while I' m talking which is just as annoying so no win situation.

Good luck, stay strong

It's a comfort to see that it's not just in my house this happens  lol

What to do about it? I don't know. I try to accept it. Sometimes when I just stop talking and go on with my day he will ask later about what I was saying. Sometimes not. Usually making a comment on how it would be nice if he shows that he is listening doesn't go over very well, so I try not to do that. Thanks for the idea about "is this a good time?" I'll save it for when I really need him to listen and just work on going with the flow the rest of the time I guess. Not fun, but it is what it is.

Yeah... .   it's so hard to know how to handle pwBPD since EVERY situation seems to require a different approach.  And, of course, the rules keep changing... .   what works one time might not work the next.

Mischeevious:   I get the "why did they do... .   " all the time!  Then he gives his opinion as to why "they did... .   " and if I don't agree with him, he gets mad. And , yes, I "go on" too long also.  I believe he has a very short attention span and if I go on too long (for him), then he does actually zone out and stop listening. 

I have found that if we go out to a restaurant, I am usually better able to talk to him because we have direct eye contact and he doesn't have any other distractions.

Is he diagnosed with BPD?  Other mental illnesses?

Diagnosed BPD and depression.  He's on medication (Prosac and Buspar) but refuses therapy.  He himself believes that he probably has some form of ADD since it was always hard for him to sit still while in school.

Do you have a therapist for yourself? That can help sometimes in navigating this stuff :)

I don't at the moment... .   I have tried in the past, but had a hard time finding someone who understood BPD. 

Actually, the information on this board has been more helpful than therapy for me!

Hi maryy16,

I don't actually have much advice to give, besides telling you that the "respond time/ tone" issue happens so much between my uBPDh and I... .  

If I don't answer him immediately, or if I have my back turned to him/ am walking away when I answer (during irritable times), he would say I'm rude.  But if I ask him anything, he can just ignore me, and I'm not allowed to "push" him.

Again, I think it's a control issue.  They deliberately withold (an answer) so they will be in control.  Nowadays, sometimes when I ask something once and he doesn't answer, I don't ask again. 

Agreed about therapy and this board.

I'm sorry if I almost laughed at your story but it happens to me so often, I usually just react like... .   "Um, I just said something?"

Her: ______

Me: What did you think of that (fill in the blank) I sent (or said)

Her: _____ I'm stressed.

Me: Um, I just asked you twice what you think of that photograph I took. I think it's one of the most powerful images I've taken.

Her: It's cute.

Me: Cute?

Her: I'm going to take a shower. I have a headache.

======

Considering all the other stuff that sets me skin on edge, this is the easy stuff.

But it's extremely annoying and it really makes it hard to listen to them talk about their stuff.

We can't control how someone else behaves ... .   we can only control what we do (or don't do) about it.

We can't make the other person care about what we are saying. We can drop it and go do something useful or fun, instead of pushing a useless dialog that spirals down, or standing there fuming.