BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I am now into my 5th month out and just as long NC (not by my choice as some of you may already know). I am doing much better than I was earlier. I feel the antidepressants have finally started to take effect (even though it did take a while for us to find the right dosage) and for the first time in a very long time I'm feeling hope and occasional happiness through out the day. 

I'm also at a point in my healing that while I still miss my ex dearly I no longer have the desire or wish for us to ever get back together as I now accept that there is no chance in hell to ever have a healthy relationship with her. I can honestly say if she contacted me I would tell her to go pound sand.

However, with all that being said I do still struggle daily... .   sometimes hourly with one thing -- sexually obsessing about her. I've had my fair share of sexual experience with woman and long term relationships. With her though the sex was a completely different ball game. Like nothing I have ever experienced before -- nothing was of limits, and I mean nothing. It was out of this world and would fulfil any and every guys fantasy that they could possibly think off. Now, like I said I've had plenty of experience with women when it comes to sex... .   enough to know that no "normal" or "emotionally healthy" women would do that sort of stuff in the bedroom -- not a chance, trust me! So my question is, as a very sexual guy myself... .  

1. - How do I stop obsessing about the insane sex with her?

2. - How do I accept the fact that yes my next relationship with a healthy woman will be far more emotionally fulfilling but in no way shape or form be anything like it was with my ex sexually? 

I truly feel I'm at a point were if I can get over her sexually I can fully detach and be on my way. However given how crazy it was I just can't seem to get it off my mind. More importantly like I said, I fear from now on in sex with anyone else will end up being a major let down.

Thanks for listening.

Hey Dave,

I understand what you are going through.  I felt the same way for a while after I broke up with my ex.  I have to say, that as time passes, and I understand what it is I want from a partner, the sex is a little lower on the list than it used to be.

I don't think that you can say for certain the having sex with someone you truly love, trust, respect, and is emotionally healthy will not be amazing. 

Without being too graphic, what was it about the sex that made it so amazing?

The sex was a hook for me, too, but lately, I've been able to recall experiences with past partners that were pretty damn amazing!  I think I was in the Fear part of the FOG.  I do believe it will be possible once again to have off-the-charts sex -- with someone who is capable of functioning in a healthy, consistently intimate r/s with me.

Dave - I'm curious about what you think "normal" and emotionally healthy women won't do! Most of the women on here are saying that the sex was off the charts - including me - and since my ex was all about pushing boundaries there was really not much at all that was overtly off limits (although I suppose that neither of us were into extreme s&m - being hung up by hooks isn't my idea of a good time nor his). Could you be making generalisations here? The irony with me is that I allowed my boundaries to be pushed - actually encouraged it in a way - because I trusted him - ha!

Hey Dave44 - I can definitely relate to how you're feeling!  My uxBPDgf was definitely incredible in bed.  Nothing off limits, and the more "adventurous" the better as far as she was concerned.  It really was one the tools she hooked me with initially.  I'll share with you how things worked for me after the breakup and maybe it will help.


I was able to stop thinking about the sex with her when it hit me that for her, her "act" in bed was part of her manipulation technique.  Her heart wasn't really in it.  She did what she either thought she had to in order to keep me, or it was literally a tool she discovered she could manipulate me with in that she would use it to distract me from other issues as they came up and grew worse.  I'm still not sure which it was for her, but I'm pretty sure it was one or the other.

That realization helped me realize I was at fault for allowing myself to get swept away by all of her bedroom antics.  Which in turn allowed me to look at myself and ask "what is it in me that allowed this manipulation technique to be successful?  and how do i address it?"  Once I got into dealing with that, it wasn't too long before I stopped idealizing how good the sex was, and started to see it for what it was, which was another avenue of manipulation.  Turns out that made a big difference.  I don't miss it at all with her now. 


For me, realizing as stated above that sex w/ uBPDxgf was not about love, but about manipulation, things for me shifted so I didn't want anything like what I had with uBPDxgf as far as a sex life goes.  Not again.  It should be another way to connect w/ your partner first.  If that element is not present, then I don't want it.

I will say, w/ my current SO, I'll just say our bedroom life is better than anything I've ever experienced, but that's because it's about our emotional connection first.  Now, her and I are also "adventurous" and have really enjoyed exploring various things together, and we've had our share of off-the-hook moments.  So, it's definitely possible to find someone new that you can connect w/ physically again, but in a relationship that is actually healthy too.


My experience has been that a woman's boundaries in the bedroom have generally been unrelated to whether she was "emotionally healthy" or not.  My ex-wife was what some would call a prude (with me anyway - missionary only, no other positions or acts, once a month if that, lights have to off, has to be covered by a blanket, etc. - the emails I found between her and her cheating partners revealed much much more w/ them... .   go figure :-P).  XW is a bit bipolar and NPD-ish. 

My experiences with women in their mid- to late-30's, early 40's since my divorce... .   which admittedly aren't lots and lots of women but enough to give a small sample size... .   no correlation between their bedroom likes and dislikes and anything else about them.

The biggest thing for me when I was going through what you are currently was to realize that I was under no pressure to find a new relationship, and to just take life one step at a time.  Right now, you're single.  So enjoy living that way.  When you meet someone new, enjoy that too.  Give yourself a break, have some patience, and realize you don't have to solve all of life's lackings right now.

Also, the "I'll never find another one like her... .   " thinking was a bit FOGGY for me.  That's fear that you won't meet anyone that meets your needs, or fear that there's something wrong with you for wanting what you do.  Don't live in fear.  Let that concern go.  Don't let fear that is ultimately still inspired by your ex- impact your life.  My uxBPDgf actually used to tell me when she was raging at me that I'd never find another woman that could turn me on like her, that would do the various things she would, etc.  She was wrong, I'm happy to report.  :-)  I've found much better, and much healthier both in and out of the bedroom, than her. 

You can too.  Just be open minded, don't give into fear thinking anymore, and concentrate on enjoying what you have going on right now.

Wow... .   thank you so much for taking the time to respond in such detail. This post really gives me hope, big time. I hope I can one day look back on all this in the same light as you are... .   I really, REALLY do.

I wanted to add that interestingly enough I didn't find myself ever obsessing or even fantasizing sexually about her while in our relationship? Also, it wasn't like we had sex all the time either? Matter of fact there would be several days pass in a lot of cases were we didn't have sex and in some cases I can distinctly remember many times going to bed with out the urge to have sex in general. As soon as it was over though, it was only a matter of days before I started obsessively thinking about it. Kind of like the "you only want what you can't have" phrase. I'm so confused and really struggling trying to understand my feelings about all this... .  

perhaps there could have been some manipulation there on her part, withholding for some reason? but that's highly speculative, withholding/using sex isn't a BPD trait, rather a very common one, just how far a BPD would go with it could be more extreme?

Dave44, i feel a lot of what you were saying other than when you mentioned:


are you sure this is true? i've experienced two r/s since my breakup where my partner was much freer in bed, whilst at the same time being waaaaay more sane out of bed. it's hard to say without knowing specifics but perhaps we can dance around the issue without being so explicit and keeping with forum rules (i'm assuming there's some rules about freakiness here, lol). let's say a person was into saying "degrading" things when having sex (i'm not, but hey i'm not judging, let's just say someone is)--would this mean that a person has to be emotionally un-healthy to enjoy this? we should check that premises. in a way it almost feels like you are asking yourself if you are ok, sexually, right? b/c if no "emotionally healthy" person would do that with you are you saying that you are only attracted to having sex with unhealthy women? i would say that if you only get turned on by unhealthy women, i mean, only getting turned on by someone who is completely off, then this may not be such a good thing. but, perhaps you are putting to much stigma on your sexual desires? and, although what may turn women on may be different in quality from what turns some men on... .  i dare say their sexual desires are just as strong, even if different. let's brainstorm--are there healthy sexual communities you could find where you could meet with other men and women who have the same sexual interests?

being on these board seems to bring so much relief to so many (including myself), because of the community, because of knowing, yeah, you're not the only person that feels this way... .  there's many many others. i'm willing to bet there's a lot of healthy men and women that share some of your sexual fantasies, perhaps a good goal would be to try and find this community/niche. eyes wide shut! 


dood just have to say this probably isn't the case. good sex, for me is a requirement in the r/s. i just know and accept this about myself. for some people it's not so important, but for me having really free, really good sex is part of being in love. i don't separate the two and don't think i need to. to me sharing this with my partner is sharing a way of seeing the world. one other thing i know about myself is that i'm good at being monogamous when i love someone even though i have pretty strong sexual desires, stronger than most men from what i can tell, so that just means i have to find a partner with the desires to match. pretty simple. my gf now, wow, we laugh b/c we got into the habit of having sex before the date b/c we can't wait, lol. but then we always have a great date.

she fooled ya! gaslight :light: fooled ya into thinking a woman has to be crazy like her to be good in bed.        perchance?

i see no correlation between a woman being immature/lacking integrity/an emotional baby and manipulative to her performance in bed. healthy people are just as freaky too even if they hide it  :)

To be fair... . if the substitute for the mother combined with the emotional makeup of a 3 yr old is the draw... . then you will have a hard time finding that with normal women for sure. :)

What I found over time with my exBPDgf... . was that she would do about anything... . and it was clearly about manipulating me, not enjoyment for her/us... . and when I became clearly aware of it, I had little desire to have sex with her... .  took a long time to get to that point though.

As to other women, I have been with about 25 in longer r/s in my life and two were wilder/better in bed than my pwBPD... .  and both had issues... .  one resembled a librarian... . seemed normal and then just kept getting wilder... . and admitted to having had the goal in high school of sleeping with every guy in her graduating class (it was a large school)... . and many of the teachers... .  she seemed normal, boring even, according to her the brighter/quieter someone is, the more cerebral they are and the more in to fantasy and even kink they can become. I broke off from her when I figured out she was paying bills via sex on the side.

The other wilder/better in bed one set off all my  red-flag , and didn't have the huge attachment thing I had with the pwBPD, she eventually married another guy, doused the bed with lighter fluid and lit it ... .  he got out and was okay and divorced her... .  but she was nuts.  Can't draw any big conclusions other than the saying that the sex is better the crazier the gal... .  might be true to some degree.

The fact is... . most of us on these boards... . don't need sex so much as intimacy, and I think a whole lot of us try to accept sex as a substitute and they are two very different things. In a genuine loving relationship the sex is like icing on the cake, its a celebration with the one you love... .  it doesn't need to be kinky to be good. With a pwBPD... . with you both sharing one egoic false self... .  the porn star sex needs to be over the top, to cover the empty feelings where genuine love should have been.

Will say that as a second rate substitute for intimacy... .  great sex is my favorite.  :) lol

^ lol lol

i posted in this thread (post #20) and I cover my beliefs about what sex really was about between my ex BPD and I.

Hope it has meaning for you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200047.20

I´m going through the same thing. And let me tell you it´s damn hard. Every day. But I know that the sex was good but also that it was a manipulation game. It is usually the best when she/him needs attention and not about love or a balance of the right emotions. But it´s really really hard and I sometimes fall into this kind of thinking, but it´s normal and will take time.

Loved your post... .  it nailed it... .  egoic all the way... . false self, no one healthy could maintain that nonsense... . and even the both of us with our unhealthyness couldn't. Long term effects... . can't be good.

Great post... .  bit of a bummer to reflect on... . same as most the great posts I read.

Sex with mine was pretty awesome on the surface, but creepy.  Sex can serve a lot of purposes, and my purpose from day one was to have sex as a means of developing and growing intimacy.  Never happened.  About half the time she was overtly about manipulation ("I can get anything I want with a blow job", and the other half was an out of body experience for her, which sex can be for anyone, but she really left.  It was all about her, no focus on me at all, like I wasn't even there, she'd just use my body and get WAY into it, physical abandon, lots of thrashing and vocalizing, and it became clear after a while that she was using it to escape her thoughts for a while as a tool, and the harder and longer she'd go, the better it worked.  She'd finish absolutely exhausted and collapse into a pillow, not a word to me, crappy expression on her face, like reality had returned.  Not much for me there, and certainly not what I needed and wanted.

fromheeltoheal:

Very interesting description that hit a personal chord for me. Both of my BPD exgfs were incredibly gifted in the bedroom (also the living room, home theater room, bathroom, kitchen and occasionally the car) - but yes, there was certainly a "creepy" element. While neither of them outright boasted their manipulative abilities, I get the feeling that both had certainly used it with multiple purposes: to "lock in" a partner and mitigate their abandonment fears, to fill that "emptiness" that they both blatantly exhibited, not to mention as a pure survival characteristic and as a means to get others to bend to their will.

I've mentioned how my recent BPD exgf once broke up with me (over her not achieving an orgasm during a morning quickie, which turned into me "treating her like a prostitute" in her eyes), only to show up on my house a few days later in a very - and uncharacteristically - sexy outfit, just to goad me on and "rub it in my face."

They both practically kept count as to how many times we'd do it in a week/month; one of them used it as a bargaining tool: "we had sex 17 times this week already - is it ok if I smoke a little pot tonight, then? I know I said I'd try to give it up, but... .  ", whereas the other would take note of every act she did on me and whether or not there was a reciprocal act from me onto her (by her unknown standards); it was eerily mathematical and logical, and if she felt the "balance" was off, then she'd either withhold sex altogether and/or blow up on me. Of course, she never actually talked to me about it or anything. I was expected to "just know".

That's an interesting observation you make about her finishing exhausted and collapse, without as much of a word, with an expression of reality having returned. My most recent ex would do this just about regularly over many things. She would almost "snap in and out" of reality; especially after sex. I'm not sure if they were disassociating, splitting or what have you, but it certainly raised a few red flags.

Yeah, the whole thing was just sad.  A gorgeous, sexy woman, naked in bed with me, an extremely powerful draw, with my natural drive to just want to get closer and closer, but it was impossible.  Like putting a feast in front of a starving man, who dives right in, and discovers there is no taste or sustenance, and it will screw up your insides, but hey, it sure looked great.

And of course she's a veteran at her crap and knows what effect it has on her victim suitors, so she plays it to the hilt, which makes it insidious.  Having been through hell, time for true connection with someone who's capable of it, and if she's average looking and a prude, it will be completely irrelevant.

I noticed that my recent ex (the one that essentially drove me to this site) had a propensity to go after men that were 2 - 3x her size (myself included). She claimed she just "liked big guys", but not only was she smaller than almost all her boyfriends (that I had seen, at least), she was often MUCH better looking overall., but my unproven, speculative hunch says that it was because of the power she was able to exert over them. I know that many of these guys would still text her asking to hang out.

I like your analogy about the starving man feasting; yes, just because something looks great doesn't mean it can't mess you up big time.

Though I was certainly enamored (and still partially remain so, but I'm getting better) at the "deep sexual connection" we had; I'm growing more and more to see that a connection like that goes beyond physical beauty... .  

Been there done that... .  

I noticed my pwBPD watching for a reaction... . as is she was watching to see if the washing machine was done yet... .  and the coldness/indifference of it combined with words from her that didn't match her actions/emotions... .  ended my desire to be with her.

My exwife is not as attractive, not nearly as skillful, but was genuine through and through... .  the difference is like the difference between being with someone real, and being alone... .  and that is what it is like with a pwBPD... . basically intense masturbation, as only one real person is present.

Early on on my relationship, I remember her saying 'sex is so much better if you are in love with that person' and I agreed with her although why she said it I dont know. Further along the relationship, she DEFINITELY used sex as a weapon, we would only see each other 2 maybe 3 times a month and she was ALWAYS on her period, and she refused to do it when she was.

I remember the last time we did it, I finished her off ( sorry to be so crass ), at which point she told me to hurry up and get on with it. The night before she gave me the silent treatment after she clammed up after the pettiest thing - Im pretty sure it was just so we wouldnt have sex as we had had a great evening together

I guess in any relationship these point to there being someone else involved... .  

I think pwBPD use sex as a control technique/weapon, and as a substitute for intimacy (something we accept unfortunately ourselves). Seems like when the pwBPD is mad at you (which is often)... . that the truth comes out.

My exBPDgf would get very crass and dramatic, insult my manhood, claim that it was all about me, say that she was just my F buddy and a sloppy second to everyone else... . and I never saw things that way, or would even use the words she used... .  clearly they were for shock. It took a while but eventually I realized that she developed resentment... . while doing the idealizing stuff that she didn't really feel, and she would remember what she wanted to do, (or really felt, or really thought)... .  but do what she thought I wanted anyway. Then later all the resentment, and a laundry list of every perceived wrong she felt I had inflicted on her came out... . as vitriol. Interestingly enough, the complaints were accurate about my fleas... .  did the schema therapy tests and the results matched much of what ticked her off.

She never complained about me in the bedroom department, in fact she was extremely complimentary, which is why I cant understand why she didnt seem to want to do it often - it just seemed to me that she was cutting het nose off to spite her face all the time

lhd981, i have come to the same conclusion about my ex. she doesn't have any consistency with the size of the men she's with, or race or "type"/style of guy. but, i feel strongly that she chooses men that physically are much less attractive (although mentally they might be nice guys) so that she could control them. i was shocked to meet her new b/f, who she had help her move her stuff out after we broke up. i expected brad pitt but the guy was literally 6 inches shorter, no style, didn't have a good job, had nothing on me really--but boy was he perfectly under her thumb. so much so that he was 100% head over heals with her even though she just ended a 4yr r/s 3 weeks prior to them meeting and still slept in my bed while they were dating. i feel like she needed the opposite of what i was willing to give, which is unconditional devotion in the midst of her crappy attitude; and a new guy who never had been with a woman this physically attractive is the perfect victim for her... .  

HERSEXISAWEAPON

HISSEXISAWEAPON

goldylamont, I couldn't agree more! Yes, control plays a big part in it!

I never directly met any of her exes, but I did see pictures, online profiles and hear many stories. Truth be told, a lot of them seemed like nice guys. Definitely more of the "dorky" type, which is fine by me. Though I feel like an ___ saying it, these guys were pretty much all going nowhere in life. But, no, she didn't have any consistency with the "type" of guy that she liked. She even told me how her friends often remarked at what a crazy assortment of guys she's dated. In hindsight, even the more "macho" guys that she dated still had some serious flaws, so she still managed to keep them under her thumb. I'd imagine her crazy, uninhibited approach to sex had something to do with that.

While she never seemed to use me for my money, which I can't say for some past women I've dated, she eventually began to give me grief for driving around in flashy exotic cars, or hanging out with my single guy friends. The implication is that I was somehow using them to attract other women.

Ah, yes, the "opposite of what you were willing to give" - that unconditional devotion no matter what. It's funny, my ex had a guy best friend who was pretty much all her deadbeat exes rolled into one. A shame, because he was a really, really smart guy and I genuinely liked him. But he was also effectively her "pet". He gave her that devotion no matter what, but I know she still rebounded like crazy. For a mid-20s woman who claimed to have never had a one night stand, and only started dating some 7 years prior, she sure did have a lot of really short relationships.

man can i relate... .  we broke up over 2 weeks ago, but it still feels like yesterday. We had sex like 10 days after we broke up initially (twice) and then again 3 days later. That was the last time... .  But the sex WAS INTENSE... .  I was a sex addict before her, but I NEVER HAD THAT GOOD OF SEX... .  Neither did she, and she told me that she doesn't know how shell ever be satisfied by another man. and i dont know how ill ever be satisfied with another women. It has to do with boundaries and submission and domination dynamic. BPD women seemed to be liked to be controlled in the bedroom and made submissive. My girlfriend loved when i slightly choked her... .  slapped her... .  spanked her... .  Held her arms behind her back... .  and went to town... .  At its peak... .  wed have sex 3 to 4 hours straight... .  I miss her sex and waking up next to her more than anything in the world even though I know shes poison to me... .  

Dave44's questions are good ones to ponder, and I'd like to bring us back to them since this seems to be his concern.  It's good that so many want to share their experiences, but this is about Dave and his issue.

Here is a link that offers some information regarding sex and our previous relationships:

SELF-AWARE: When is good sex a bad thing? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136079.0)

There are some questions in this link that are in line with Dave's thread, and may be helpful to think about.

Beware... . , getting painted black after what you described could land you in jail. Police get called sometimes... .  then the slapping/choking becomes assault, and you experience even more of the downside of an r/s with a pwBPD.  Maybe your pwBPD would never change her story and be hateful... . but it happens.

the last guy I dated had the right personality for me to experience what you refer to. I wanted to submit... .  always have and he was intense, strong, controlling, and cocky. These fueled my fantasies of submitting to him. I too didn't want to be hung from chains and the sex was amazing.

This is so insightful. You must have been watching my last relationship. It is to a T correct. Even the break up ended with at text saying Done. Bye.  and then another when he kept calling saying Don't call. Forget me. But I had to do it that way because he had a control over me where I would have taken him back if I spoke to him. I believed everything he said and he was bad for me.

Wow what a great thread. Yes the sex with ex was new temerity for me - very beautiful and fulfilling.

I am a classic BPD "victim" - this was my frist "really intimate" relationship. In many ways i was a "virgin". I was 3 years sober and she was my first in sobriety. She had 23 years. It was a classic "13th Step".

I saw her as an "authority figure" while also pitying her (because of her childhood sex abuse. She could nor hold a job and i rescued her financially. She convinced me ehe new all about love and relationships. i felt I had found the Ultimate teacher and soul mate.

She took me into incredible realms of pleasure and joy -  then it ended abruptly. I had started to "wake up" and was seeing my codependency (rescuing). She wanted me to sell my gouse and nut hers. My gut told me NO.

So now I see the incredible sex as a tool she was using to control me (and get some lustful pleasure).

My joy I had some great sex ... .  but it was not part of a sustainable R/S.

Sex = An act

Intimacy/Lasting Love = You and your partner + messages of appreciation/respect/trust

hit

Intimacy is about being emotionally close to your partner. In our relationships we both pushed and pulled trying to change each other and vie for a position - it was about control - on both sides.

We choose a BPD partner because we fear intimacy! Process your fear and you will find long lasting love, great sex AND intimacy.

Here's somthing I compiled from the info I've read:

I am convinced that in the BPD's new relationships, the initial intensity of their erotic passion sweeps people away, but their motive is double-edged. On the one side, it comes from the instinctive built-in, turbulent emotionality of their disorder. But the other side of them is driven by an equally instinctual and concentrated need to control their partners and to keep them close.

Intensity is their weapon. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate, not please. Sex isn’t an act of true intimacy for them, but rather another way for them to feel admired and in control or to literally “fill” their emptiness. They achieve an emotional high and mistake those brief moments of ecstasy for love and happiness, but they are not.

Their adaptation of “I love you” actually means: “I need you to love me”and “That was the best ever for me” means: “Tell me it was the best ever for you”; “Tell me I have you”. In the end, they feel emptier than before. When the need for consistency of intimacy in their partners arises, they withdraw it. Since the carnal act is separate for them, they will only have sex when they want it or use it. After a while it is usually when their partner has been so emotionally abused and beaten down that they no longer have any interest in touching the BPD. Eventually, this causes The BPD's partner to feel used and distant, instead of loved and emotionally connected.

Emotion is the key-word here. How many of you honestly felt emotionally connected during sex? The sex with my ex was great, but closeness, emotion and love simply didn't enter into it... .  

mrclear

And in the end, mine would throw me off like a dog. No closeness of any kind and like the end of our relationship, no closure at all.

Back to the original question, I too long for that and obsessed over what I once had for, a while. Worst part about it was knowing that she tossed me off the side and was doing all those exact same things with 'him' instead of me. Not only that she described the exact same 'feelings' for him that she had me when we first got together (I played detective on our computer, she covered her tracks very poorly).

For me it helps knowing that its not REAL not even with the new guy. The emptiness she feels within, is hollow and can never be filled directly. Its kind of like an empty vagina, only the thought of rectifying that by chasing after yet another penis gets her excited once she does get that, its time to pursue yet another one. (God only knows how many there have been in the two years we split up)  An empty useless quest for fullfillment and its sad. :'( While I did love her deeply, I can not love that and honestly where her quest is leading her, makes me pity her.

Also it helps me to realize, "you can not love that which does not love itself".

It does not exactly fill the void she left sexually but it does give me clarity

Thank you... .  mulled it over till I finally felt in my gut that I understood what happened.

personally i feel many times when we had sex it was good and healing. i know there were some things we did in the beginning that we didn't end up continuing through the years... . i'm sure there was some manipulation in the beginning too. for us, during the worst of the r/s (the last 6 months or so) we just barely had sex. it was actually a point of contention for me. i totally understand how for a lot of people there was no correlation between how good the relationship was going and the sex, but for me i saw a direct correlation between when we were having consistent and good sex, and really getting along and supporting each other. the sex for me was good b/c i was doing it with somebody i loved so much at the time, but i've had 'better' you could say from other partners who i really cared for but wasn't in years long r/s with.

my attachment though was not much on the sex. i was happy sexually, but i had very good sexual experiences just previous to r/s with expbd and also even better sex afterwards. my vice was her looks, which i'm sure played into the sex in some ways but sex wasn't the main focus. i think in some ways her lack of controlling me sexually perhaps contributed to the r/s lasting so long (it was the longest r/s for both of us), i'm really independent, in fact a bit too much i'm still learning to be more verbally expressive of my love. i've been called 'aloof' in a couple r/s, so that's on me; but in a way i feel like not many other men would hold their ground so much, and not be so codependent which is maybe? while things lasted so long? this of course contributed to her abandonment issues. she's had 2 r/s in the past year since we broke up, neither making it past the 4 month mark then she crushed those guys (hit me hard too! :) yes it's true... .  

hersexisaweapon

hissexisaweapon

Another recall:

About 9 months into my 1 years relationship I came out of the love bombing / running away fog. I saw two things I needed to work on: my porn addiction andd my codependency.

I had shared with her early on that I had used porn since my teens. "OK - just don't ask me to watch it with you" OK but as things when on I decided felt that it needed to go while I was in a committed r/s (my second) - it no longer felt right.

So I joined SAA and got "clean". We had about two more weeks of love making - the wildest ever.

About the same time I looked at CoDA and saw that I was a rescuer (helping her with her mortgage). I pulled back on this. She was really working on me to sell my house and buy hers (where we would live "happily ever after". (my gut told me No - I didn't trust her with her frequent run aways).

That's when the love making stopped and her devaluation started. Another few painful months and it was over. Right at the end she said she had cut off the sex to try to control me and tried to initiate sex - I declined. Glad I did.

Yes! I noticed that too. She would also often get upset after sex and accuse me of using her. So sex became a trade off: I knew I was gonna have great sex for an hour, and then face the fallout. 

Yea, but I miss the sexual part (along with the emotional idealization during the honeymoon phase). She was a sexy girl, whose body was exactly my type. I'm trying to detach, but those memories really weigh me down.

For me it is absolutely uncanny the commonality BPD/NPDs have in common with regard to sex.  I agree with this statement... .  not sure who said it... .  but here it is... .  "an out of body experience for her".  Funny thing is if i finished in a traditional sense inside her in the traditional place it wouldn't be as satisfying to her as anything else.  When she was in control, e.g. the BJ you could feel her excitement/intensity build the closer I got to climax... .  especially vocally... .  she would actually freeze in time ... .  eyes closed... .  like an addict just got his fix after climax... .  holding on for sometimes 20-30 seconds I guess to savor the intensity... .  kind of creepy/eery and even beyond pornographic for me.    It scares me sometimes in retrospect!