Title: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: ScotisGone74 on April 09, 2013, 03:07:16 AM I know right after the relationship with a BPD many of us are depressed and hurt, but for alot of us the expwBPD was a person we Thought was IT for us. Even as we begin to attempt to move on with our lives doing other things and hopefully with other people will we always think back and remember those times with the exBPD that seemed like were the best time of our lives?
What are you doing in your life right now to bring you happiness? Surely remembering all the times with the exBPD will not get me there but I can't just block it out of my mind. It is really as if the BPD took all my perception to see any happiness. Maybe this will go away as time passes, but really it doesn't seem that way. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: HarmKrakow on April 09, 2013, 03:13:24 AM I know right after the relationship with a BPD many of us are depressed and hurt, but for alot of us the expwBPD was a person we Thought was IT for us. Even as we begin to attempt to move on with our lives doing other things and hopefully with other people will we always think back and remember those times with the exBPD that seemed like were the best time of our lives? What are you doing in your life right now to bring you happiness? Surely remembering all the times with the exBPD will not get me there but I can't just block it out of my mind. It is really as if the BPD took all my perception to see any happiness. Maybe this will go away as time passes, but really it doesn't seem that way. Mate, what you describe is being codependent. Your life was her life. Your joy was her you. Take her out of the equation and there is no joy equalling utter feeling of emptiness. I cant provide a link right now as im on my phone, but type in codependency in google or look up a workshop in regards of dealing with it. You first gotta know what your suffering from before you know how to treat it. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: HarmKrakow on April 09, 2013, 03:16:32 AM Oh, and what im going to do? I feel so utterly f**ked up that I quit my job, have been crying in bed for weeks and tomorrow i'm flying to eastern europe to go couch surfing with a bunch of complete random strangers ive never met in my life in a country where they barely speak english and i dont speak their native language.
Either gonna be hell, or something interesting. If i dont do anything at all though i wont be around for much longer Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: laelle on April 09, 2013, 03:21:02 AM Regardless of the fact the situation played out differently in your head vs her head, it does not mean that the good times that you had were not valid and good. I think its ok to miss the good times. Its normal. Living in the past will get you stuck tho.
Simply because they have an illness does not make them less of a person, only a person that cant function as necessary to have a normal relationship with. Some people on the staying board have found peace with what they are given and have enhanced that through communication skills, and some find that while they understand the illness, its not something that they can personally handle. I am struggling with the finding things to do to fill the gap they left, but to be honest, I should have been filling that gap myself. I started back to school, I take good care of myself, treat myself to special things, I like to cook, so ive been experimenting. I have a few friends that I go out to dinner with, I play video games and spend alot of time here. I dont know what I would have done without this website. Slowly as I get further out from the demise of the relationship, I begin to see ME and I like me. It will pass... . just let the emotions come and go as they will, and take care of you. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: laelle on April 09, 2013, 03:26:27 AM Where are you going Harm?
Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: paperlung on April 09, 2013, 03:32:14 AM Oh, and what im going to do? I feel so utterly f**ked up that I quit my job, have been crying in bed for weeks and tomorrow i'm flying to eastern europe to go couch surfing with a bunch of complete random strangers ive never met in my life in a country where they barely speak english and i dont speak their native language. Either gonna be hell, or something interesting. If i dont do anything at all though i wont be around for much longer Sounds like fun. I'd be down, haha. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: Hutsepotmetworst on April 09, 2013, 03:36:48 AM I know right after the relationship with a BPD many of us are depressed and hurt, but for alot of us the expwBPD was a person we Thought was IT for us. Even as we begin to attempt to move on with our lives doing other things and hopefully with other people will we always think back and remember those times with the exBPD that seemed like were the best time of our lives? What are you doing in your life right now to bring you happiness? Surely remembering all the times with the exBPD will not get me there but I can't just block it out of my mind. It is really as if the BPD took all my perception to see any happiness. Maybe this will go away as time passes, but really it doesn't seem that way. After the break-up I too felt devestated, and completely empty... . what's not normal... . It felt as she had touched me in the deepest corner of my heart and soul, I even couldn't cry much because I was too much in shock. I'm trying now, , 2 months out, to move on and see the good my exBPDgf brought in my life. Still have a lot of nice memories of our time together, but I also know and feel how much love, time, energy I had to invest to maintain the relationship on a "happy" level. And I now know it couldn't last forever because she demanded more and more of me. But I think I made a good decision then, to take this pain and look at myself and wanting to heal myself. I'm now looking back at my life, together with a T, trying to adjust what went wrong and filling the voids in my soul without a romantic partner. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: HarmKrakow on April 09, 2013, 08:33:36 AM Oh, and what im going to do? I feel so utterly f**ked up that I quit my job, have been crying in bed for weeks and tomorrow i'm flying to eastern europe to go couch surfing with a bunch of complete random strangers ive never met in my life in a country where they barely speak english and i dont speak their native language. Either gonna be hell, or something interesting. If i dont do anything at all though i wont be around for much longer Sounds like fun. I'd be down, haha. I do this purely out of self preservation. My selfconfidence is so low, that when I hear a emotional song in the supermarket or see a couple my age with a kid, I check out and go straight home. I utterly see no point in continuing life anyway. So why go away, why a different country, why to a country where they barely speak english, why couchsurf with complete random strangers. Because Im looking for validation that 1) im not crazy 2) i can still be of interest 3) i can make new friends. Rather than internet dating, or doing things through social media, which I honestly despise, and are big BPD hooks, I rather try it out in real life while my age still allows me 2. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: SarahinMA on April 09, 2013, 08:58:54 AM Ugh, codependency sucks! I'm still struggling with it even though I'm in therapy and have read up on it, etc. etc. I still think about my ex all the time and miss the good times. Just last week, I was having dinner with a group of friends and saw him sitting at a table alone eating. I wanted to go over and invite him to sit with us but had to stop myself. I hate being this way- despite ALL the pain he has caused me and his complete LACK of empathy regarding my feelings. Every time I see him, it's like a battle within my head/heart - why I can't be nice to him anymore or be the bigger person. He doesn't deserve my friendship or care anymore. Yet, he looks so sad all the time... .
To answer the thread's question: I hope so. I really really know now that I deserve to be happy and I know that I have a lot of love to give someone. I just hope that I can trust that the next person who tells me he loves me, I can believe them. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: hithere on April 09, 2013, 09:33:57 AM Excerpt What are you doing in your life right now to bring you happiness? At first I just basked in the relief that I was not longer walking on eggshells, had no one to answer to, had money, had peace. I reconnected with friends that she encouraged me to lose, I started working out (she wanted me fat), I joined a local sports team, I took a trip with a friend, I took care of ME! Then after about 6 months I met a sweet woman on a dating site, we fell in love and we are getting married this summer! I feel very lucky to have survived my BPD relationship and it makes me appreciate the wonderful person I have now even more! There is light at the end of this tunnel, just keep working at it! Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: HarmKrakow on April 09, 2013, 09:44:56 AM Excerpt What are you doing in your life right now to bring you happiness? At first I just basked in the relief that I was not longer walking on eggshells, had no one to answer to, had money, had peace. I reconnected with friends that she encouraged me to lose, I started working out (she wanted me fat), I joined a local sports team, I took a trip with a friend, I took care of ME! Then after about 6 months I met a sweet woman on a dating site, we fell in love and we are getting married this summer! I feel very lucky to have survived my BPD relationship and it makes me appreciate the wonderful person I have now even more! There is light at the end of this tunnel, just keep working at it! But is this new r/s an attachment to your life or is it your life? Meeting a new love shouldn't be decisive on whether or not we regain hapiness Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: hithere on April 09, 2013, 09:54:50 AM Excerpt But is this new r/s an attachment to your life or is it your life? Meeting a new love shouldn't be decisive on whether or not we regain hapiness No, all the other things came first... . I allowed myself to be happy again by working on myself and my interests and my life. Once that started to fall into place I met my fiancée and she compliments my life - with my ex with BPD it was all about giving things up for her, with my new love it is about compromising but within boundaries that allow us to each have our lives but with the choice of mingling them together. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: Mightyhammers on April 09, 2013, 10:00:16 AM Excerpt What are you doing in your life right now to bring you happiness? At first I just basked in the relief that I was not longer walking on eggshells, had no one to answer to, had money, had peace. I reconnected with friends that she encouraged me to lose, I started working out (she wanted me fat), I joined a local sports team, I took a trip with a friend, I took care of ME! Then after about 6 months I met a sweet woman on a dating site, we fell in love and we are getting married this summer! I feel very lucky to have survived my BPD relationship and it makes me appreciate the wonderful person I have now even more! There is light at the end of this tunnel, just keep working at it! When I first looked at that I read it as we got back 6 months later lol That’s great Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: hithere on April 09, 2013, 10:19:58 AM NO!
But there was a recycle after 1.5 years, then 6 months apart... . then I wasted another 15 months with her... . like everyone else, I look back and wonder why I stayed and how I could have been so stupid but hey, I would not have met the wonderful person I am with now if not for my BPD experience, so I guess it was fate! Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: HarmKrakow on April 09, 2013, 10:32:26 AM Excerpt But is this new r/s an attachment to your life or is it your life? Meeting a new love shouldn't be decisive on whether or not we regain hapiness No, all the other things came first... . I allowed myself to be happy again by working on myself and my interests and my life. Once that started to fall into place I met my fiancée and she compliments my life - with my ex with BPD it was all about giving things up for her, with my new love it is about compromising but within boundaries that allow us to each have our lives but with the choice of mingling them together. I don't want to offend you but I assume you meant that she is an addition to your life, not the necessity nor fills the last void in your life. Good to hear that you seem to be happy again. You had your first week of NC on the 7th of March 2012 and around april you stated that 'you might give in again' and just a year later you talk about marriage this summer 2013. To me, that does not only sound 'very soon', but very very soon. Again, no offence intended. I mean that. I don't want to sound bitter, nor dramatic, nor jealous. After having read 10205x dreadful stories on this forum I hope you don't blame me for being cautious and skeptic. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: hithere on April 09, 2013, 10:50:32 AM Excerpt Good to hear that you seem to be happy again. You had your first week of NC on the 7th of March 2012 and around april you stated that 'you might give in again' and just a year later you talk about marriage this summer 2013. To me, that does not only sound 'very soon', but very very soon. Again, no offence intended. I mean that. I don't want to sound bitter, nor dramatic, nor jealous. After having read 10205x dreadful stories on this forum I hope you don't blame me for being cautious and skeptic. No offense taken and I have asked myself these questions as well. I appreciate that you have taken the time to read my story. As embarrassing as it is, I knew my relationship with my ex BPD was doomed after the first major rage after 9 months. I got laid off and I have never had someone destroy my character as badly as she did... . then every month we would have these same horrible fights. I wanted the idealization phase of the first few months back so badly. After around 2 years, I left with her encouragement (there was some paranoia about being common law at that point), we both dated a bit then got back together. Huge mistake I knew right away. I made my decision to get out in the summer of 2011 - I saved up some money, she found it and spent it. Back to the planning stage, finally in January of 2012 I was ready to make my move, I had been emotionally detached since the summer. Moved out at the end of Jan. 2012 - I still dated her till May 2012 but with the understanding that we would never be a couple again (during those months I tried NC on and off with a little success). She started dating someone seriously in May, I met my fiancée in June. I don't doubt it is fast, I am in my mid 40's - I want a family and the family life, I did not expect to meet someone so quickly (nor did she) I went into this with my eyes wide open and looked for red flags. Our relationship is not perfect, we both have baggage but it all feels rights and I see no red flags. Excerpt After having read 10205x dreadful stories on this forum I hope you don't blame me for being cautious and skeptic. Nope and so was/am I - I am hoping I have enough life experience at this point to make the rights decisions. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: HarmKrakow on April 09, 2013, 11:02:17 AM Excerpt Good to hear that you seem to be happy again. You had your first week of NC on the 7th of March 2012 and around april you stated that 'you might give in again' and just a year later you talk about marriage this summer 2013. To me, that does not only sound 'very soon', but very very soon. Again, no offence intended. I mean that. I don't want to sound bitter, nor dramatic, nor jealous. After having read 10205x dreadful stories on this forum I hope you don't blame me for being cautious and skeptic. I still dated her till May 2012 but with the understanding that we would never be a couple again (during those months I tried NC on and off with a little success). She started dating someone seriously in May, I met my fiancée in June. I don't doubt it is fast, I am in my mid 40's - I want a family and the family life, I did not expect to meet someone so quickly (nor did she) I went into this with my eyes wide open and looked for red flags. Our relationship is not perfect, we both have baggage but it all feels rights and I see no red flags. All I'm saying. Be cautious. Be skeptic to yourself and hopefully you indeed have the success you so desperately want. Are you happy because she is happy? Would you be able to enjoy your life without her? Would you be able to move on without her? I hope you went into this relationship without the reason of wanting to have a family but for other reasons. Dating your ex BPD in May and meeting your fiancee in June sounds very similar to a lot of the stories written on this board. No time to 'actual' detach or grieve and process. I hope she didn't fill that void of what you needed to innerly process and I hope you didn't rush this marriage for the sake of wanting to have a family because thats starting something for all the wrong reasons. It should be an addition, it shouldn't be the purpose. Again, I really don't mean any offense nor wanting to be hurtful. After having read all, i'm just utterly skeptic. As I've read also 120152x stories on this board where the NON their self-confidence was so broken, that they went through all the phases on the personal inventory board to 're-identify' themselves before they were even ready to start dating again, let alone engaging, let alone marriage(!). Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: hithere on April 09, 2013, 11:35:31 AM Again harmkrakow, thanks for taking the time to give me your insight.
Like most people I am complicated and a result of all my life experiences both good and bad. I was alluding to my desire to have a family because I think that is one of the reasons this new relationship moved quickly. I was feeling happy and mostly detached (I had been consciously emotionally detaching for at least 6 months prior to leaving) when I was just dating my BPD ex because I had my own place so I had control, when she started to rage I would simply leave or ask her to leave, I was also at peace knowing in my heart that I would never get back together with her. My new relationship does not define me, nor do I count on her to make me happy. She enhances my life in many subtle and some not so subtle ways. I think of her as the anti-<insert expBPD name here>. Is there a chance she is hiding some mental illness? Could be... . but I am not going to not ride a horse because I got thrown once. I am a bit of a pessimist by nature, so I am being careful but I don't want to lose out on happiness because my ex with BPD broke me. thanks again for your heart-felt replies. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: ScotisGone74 on April 10, 2013, 03:18:41 AM One of the main reasons that I believe my exBPD painted me black is because I would not get her pregnant-for a variety of reasons, so that is why she got married two months after leaving me wondering what the hell just happened and got pregnant with her new husband in less than a month. Maybe I became codependent as the relationship wore me down, but I certainly wasn't that way in the beginning. Anyone that is contemplating getting married for the sake of having a child or family is doing it for the wrong reasons.
Really it just seems like I'm coming to grips with the fact that I may never get that close to or be with another person that was close to perfect as she was for me in the "Good" stage that I knew her, I geuss my problem is that I am just now realizing that her Idealizing me and "Good" stage also included soo much behind the scenes I was not aware of or could have ever contemplated. Right now I'm searching in the dark for for a needle in the haystack -just like searching for the person I was before the BPD came along. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: Hutsepotmetworst on April 10, 2013, 04:54:39 AM Right now I'm searching in the dark for for a needle in the haystack -just like searching for the person I was before the BPD came along. I believe we have to redefine our "self", and not search for the self we were before the r/s. Because the old "self" accepted the r/s with a BPD-person, to fill a void. If we just go back to where we were before the r/s, we are very likely to be tricked again in a BPD r/s. So now it's up to us to fill this void in our lives on our own. We have to recreate who we are, what we want and set firm boundaries. It's not an easy task, because it means going back in our history to see what caused this void. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: HarmKrakow on April 10, 2013, 06:48:44 AM Right now I'm searching in the dark for for a needle in the haystack -just like searching for the person I was before the BPD came along. I believe we have to redefine our "self", and not search for the self we were before the r/s. Because the old "self" accepted the r/s with a BPD-person, to fill a void. If we just go back to where we were before the r/s, we are very likely to be tricked again in a BPD r/s. So now it's up to us to fill this void in our lives on our own. We have to recreate who we are, what we want and set firm boundaries. It's not an easy task, because it means going back in our history to see what caused this void. My shrink does advice me to go back to who I once was with the message to the old self to barricade the doors in your life which were questionable and a questionmark on them, barricade them with concrete. Lol Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: wanttoknowmore on April 10, 2013, 07:42:22 AM Harm,
I know you like straight talk with best of intentions. Let me use your style... . my intention is pure so hope you wont mind. As for your running away to Eastern European country, It seems like you are so scared that you want to run away from your feelings. My take is that even if we run away to Moon or Mars, our minds go with us. These trips can buy some distraction but dont bring real peace. We need to confront our feelings headon and not be cowards to run away from them... . Yes, it may be painful but in the end,truth sets us free. I used to love dogs in childhood until at age 12 ,a black dog bit me and I was afraid of all dogs for two decades. Later, I decided to get a pet dog and I realized all dogs dont bite .In fact, I can love dogs again now. I am certain all women are not like pwBPD (only 2-3% are). There are loving and caring amazing women in this world... . pwBPDs are very ill and they donot have capacity for long term intimacy and lasting love. Harm, face it... . Man... . I am facing it... . I get sad and angry sometimes but I want to face the reality. I felt like going for vacation in other land but relized that I was trying to escape from my feelings and then, cancelled my tickets. I purposely stare at gifts and cards given bu pwBPD and smile... . it was a reality of that moment in time but that is past... . I say to myself Let me die to the past but it was good till it was good. There is no place to hide... . there is no way to run away... . because wherever we go, there we are. Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: HarmKrakow on April 10, 2013, 07:53:12 AM Harm, I know you like straight talk with best of intentions. Let me use your style... . my intention is pure so hope you wont mind. As for your running away to Eastern European country, It seems like you are so scared that you want to run away from your feelings. My take is that even if we run away to Moon or Mars, our minds go with us. These trips can buy some distraction but dont bring real peace. We need to confront our feelings headon and not be cowards to run away from them... . Yes, it may be painful but in the end,truth sets us free. I used to love dogs in childhood until at age 12 ,a black dog bit me and I was afraid of all dogs for two decades. Later, I decided to get a pet dog and I realized all dogs dont bite .In fact, I can love dogs again now. I am certain all women are not like pwBPD (only 2-3% are). There are loving and caring amazing women in this world... . pwBPDs are very ill and they donot have capacity for long term intimacy and lasting love. Harm, face it... . Man... . I am facing it... . I get sad and angry sometimes but I want to face the reality. I felt like going for vacation in other land but relized that I was trying to escape from my feelings and then, cancelled my tickets. I purposely stare at gifts and cards given bu pwBPD and smile... . it was a reality of that moment in time but that is past... . I say to myself Let me die to the past but it was good till it was good. There is no place to hide... . there is no way to run away... . because wherever we go, there we are. Hit it to me straight brother! No point in saying it will be fine if you don't mean it. I totally get your point and I fully agree. However, I will also go to places of which I once thought where special to me (my name *cough*) and try to face and realize that it's just a place. Concrete, grass and shops as all other places. Its' ridiculous to attach emotion to a place. Other than that, i'm not going on a 'single's holiday with a tour operator. I'm not going to exchange my bed for a bed in Eastern Europe to cry there for 3 weeks and then come back to the Netherlands. I actually am going to couch surf. I am going to meet new people. I am going to socialize and I do this to overcome my codependecy (this trip is the first thing after the break I truly did for myself). I am not going to socialize because I want to, I am going to socialize because I have to. And I hope that other people can give me the insight Im so lacking as i'll be sleeping at places with complete random strangers. What I could do, was maybe visit a friend a half our away from where I live but I already had issues going to the supermarket where I live(!) which is 3 minutes away. Because I see couples with kids, I see joy, I see flowers. Agonizing! And I run back home, close the curtains and cry and from time to time visit therapy. My problem with that is that I felt 'sinking away'. To such extent that it became dangerous. So, am flying away. Is it purely running away and putting my head in the sand and could it be 100x time worse the moment I get back? Could be brother. Could be ... . I mean that. It seriously could be... . the prolbem is I aint happy now either. It's currently 2.49PM where I live, and I will fly 7.20PM. Scared? ~less. I've already done so much things today which I havent done for weeks purely because of shame and complete social isolation lol Title: Re: Do WE ever find Happiness After? Post by: wanttoknowmore on April 10, 2013, 08:12:34 AM Thanks for clarifying. I get it now. So, I will not call it escape trip... .
LETS CALL IT LIBERATION TRIP. Freedom from emotional bondage to our past with pwBPD... . a new chapter ... . a re-surrection... . a new spring in life... . with self confidence and self respect... . let's march on... . brother. We were fine before the BPD storm came... . we will be fine again... . lets rebuild our house of emotions... . brick by brick... . Wish you all the best on your Liberation trip. |