BPDFamily.com

I'm in a weird, unknown gray area with my exBPD right now. Between seeing a therapist a couple times and these boards, its been really helpful with moving on and not try and "fix" her. I cant, more so I wont, have a romantic relationship with her unless I see some positive change on her part, but she really hasnt shown the slightest bit of romantic intrest in getting back together since we broke up anyways. But, we both want to remain friends (Or so she says anyways), and its working, mostly because of the effort on my part. She's absolutely horrible at maintaing friendships beyond a couple months. She simply doesn't know how. I dont go out of my way for her, but I'll occasionally instant message her once a day or so just to see how things are going. Our conversations are friendly, and there doesn't seem to be any ill will between us. Or so it appears anyways. Last night we each even had a friendly, civil conversation about the possibilities of dating new people. It was weird, but I can happily say I was okay with the idea.

That said, I really have no idea what's going on right now, and that's what bothers me. Its not that I dont know whats going on in her life. If I ask, she keeps me up to date with what she's been up to. But everything has a positive spin to it, like she's trying too hard. Its more for the first time, I dont understand whats going on in her mind. Her thought process. For example, her T has gotten so frustrated with her, she's canceled the remaining scheduled appointments. She also left a voicemail explaining why, but my ex is too scared to listen to it. She's "feeling much better and doesn't need it anymore anyways", she tells me. The same line she used with explaining why she dropped out of her DBT class after a month. Alright, fine. if thats what she says she feels, I wont argue. I dont know if this is an act she's putting on, or if she really is happy. My gut feeling is that she's trying to put on an act, in a sort of passive aggressive way. Like a,  "See everything is fine and Im much happier with out you, you're the reason my life sucked before" with out actually saying it.

When we first got together, I watched her do this sort of thing to her last ex a lot. They tried to be friends, but I watched them sabotage their friendship with each other to the point they hated each other. She even tried to use me to make her jealous on occasion. I let it slide, because her ex was bi-polar and extremely emotionally abusive. Now it seems like she's doing the same thing to me, except she really doesn't have a person to make me jealous of. She doesnt have anything to make me jealous of. A lot of the things she tells me, start out with "Im not sure you want to hear it... .   " or "I dont want to make you jealous... .   ". Instead, her attempts leave me puzzled trying to understand what she's trying to accomplish. When she sees I dont get mad or jealous, she quickly retreats and I dont hear from her for a while. And then it starts again. She's been doing this so much the last month, it doesn't even phase me much anymore. It just seems so childish, I ignore it and go on about my life.

I just dont know if this is something she's doing with out even realizing, or if she's actively trying to make me mad. From the outside view, her life is just falling apart right now, but she either doesn't see it, or doesn't want to admit it. Im wondering if anyone else has been in similar situations with their pwBPD, and what are some positive ways to respond? Or possibly what she is trying to accomplish?

You are on a good path about not trying to fix her.  |iiii

What I think is indeed some grey aerea is your daily message exchange and remaining friends. Sometimes it prevents from detaching little bit more being in daily contact... .   perhaps from both of you.

What do you want from this relationship?   

How is your life going without her?

Good and important questions asked above.


Really, I am not sure you will get any positive outcome from a friendship with your ex-BPD - it will leave you stuck and spinning most likely (sort of how you are now).  She won't be able to be your friend because if she has BPD she probably needs to paint you black so she can move on.